DS’s dad cut his hair without asking me

[Minimelanie]

me and DS’s dad are separated. Never married. He works full time and has his son on the weekends.
we agreed a hair cut when DS started school and he paid. I told him how I wanted it to be and it turned out ok although I do prefer longer hair on him.
the cut was a mid length shaggy cut. I now want DS to grow his hair long again so I told ex’s partner I want it to be left to grow (me and ex communicate by email or I pass messages to his partner).
she dropped DS back last week and he’s cut his hair into a crew cut without asking me.

Am I right to feel annoyed that he should have asked me? DS is in first year of school.

YABVU

YABU

In future, LISTEN to your son

You were wrong. He told you what kids did say and you just blew off he's being picked on because you like him with longer hair. That is a selfish choice that didn't benefit him. It also taught him you don't really listen to him. He's also 5 and can have some input into how he wants to look.

His dad did the right thing here. He listened to his son.

Having more custody time doesn't give you any more rights than his dad has.

I can actually see where you're coming from with the ex making a decision without consulting you. I would have been furious. But my ex had the DC far less than yours does (6 hours a week if nothing better came up), and I'm the one who listened to what they wanted.

I think, in the circumstances, your ex did the right thing. Your DS is old enough to have a say in his hair style.

OP, the naivety of this comment is actually shocking; I have some neurological issues and the bullying started for me at age 5 when I started school. Did you think bullying just kicked in at age 10 or something? You need to listen to your son; I’m sure you enjoyed when he was an infant and toddler and you got to decide on his hair, but he gets to choose for himself now, and he wanted short hair. Your ex has respected your son’s wishes on this, and you need to make sure you do in the future as well. As a parent, there are all sorts of things you WILL have to override your DS’ feelings about, often for safety reasons, so it’s important that areas where he can safely make his own decisions are respected. It’s an important part of child development.

Your son should decide how he wants his hair not you

You need to listen to your son. Boys at this age look like girls if they have long hair. It isn't necessarily bullying. It is just other children and staff who don't know him making a mistake or children telling him he looks like a girl because they tend to be quite straightforward and honest at this age. His father made the right decision in listening to your son.

Well you don't.

I, a girl, was bullied when I was 6. By another girl.

You are ridiculously naiive OP if you think a 5 year old boy can't be bullied. Or, frankly, just feel "different" from his friends, in a way he doesn't like.

And more say than the kid himself, apparently.

I mean, I'm a huge fan of long hair for boys, but I found the only way to get my son to grow his hair long (as a teenager) was to keep telling him to get it cut.

Why are you dictating to a child how to have his hair? A child at 5 will be more than self-aware enough to know how he wants to look and he's opened up to you that he's being teased. That's actually horrific to ignore him and enforce a hairstyle that let's be honest makes him stand out. Just let him have it how he wants. Do what's right for your child and stop trying to win petty arguments with your ex or your ds will grow up hating you.

He's 5. As long as what he wants is sensible, conventional and within school rules, he decides. Not you. Learn this - as he gets older, you will have to allow him more agency.

This literally happened in my childhood.

I had the longest, rattiest hair that my mum kept wanting to grow. My dad took me one weekend to cut it to a bob. I loved it but my mum went ballistic.
As an adult I can see how shitty she was as a mother, it was always what she wanted and didn't see me as a person with my own mind.

You have no more right over your sons hair than his dad, he has done what your son wanted with HIS hair. Stop trying to make him grow it when he doesn't want to.

My great-nephew's mother insisted he must have long hair all through primary school. He got bullied as a result, but she said - whenever his dad wanted to get it cut - "I like to see him with long hair".

Your son's dad was right to get him a haircut because the child clearly wanted it cut.

You're wrong.

Oh why don´t they bring the laughing emoji back! YABVVVVU

I'm curious - WHY were you so invested in your son having long hair?

Your too young to be bullying comment is ridiculous. And anyway, even if it wasn't now, do you not think that if he does have any kind of bullying later there won't be some horrible child who said "Remember in reception when you had a girl's haircut?"

If he wanted his hair long it would be a different matter, but he clearly doesn't so would never thank you

At five, the only person who should have a say in how your son wears his hair should be your son. Of course he isn’t too young to be bullied at five, and I think you’re really at fault in not listening to that and respecting his wishes.

YABU he said he didn't like the long hair. You really should have listened. It's his hair and his feelings.

Well, now it is obvious that you are 100% in the wrong @Minimelanie! In fact I am now actively on your son's DDad"s side, as he obviously listens to, believes, and respects your DS. I know I am sounding harsh OP, and I am sorry that I feel the need to be. If someone had said something like that to me, when my children were the same age, I would have probably burst into tears, so I hope you are both stronger, and more mature, than I was all of those years ago. But, you did ask for our views, and that is mine.

I am only commenting because I want to implore you to always listen to your children, believe them whenever it is at all possible to, especially if they are talking to you about something that seems difficult for* them to say, or about something that upsets them, and even though he is still only little, please respect him as well. As for the bullying, *of couse children of five years old can be bullied, and very sadly, they can also be bullies, especially if that is the lifestyle they live in.

I think that you owe both your dear son, and his dad, apologies, and please remember that unless one parent is an abusive bully, they both have a right to make those sort of choices for their children. In an almost ideal world, and when possible, both parents should discuss things with each other when it is as important as their child claiming that they are being bullied.

Yabu- my mum made me have a page boy hairstyle when I was 5. Absolutely horrendous. I was teased and called a boy for ages. I can still remember it well now.

So your child has expressed his wish not to have long hair as his peers are calling him a girl. You on the other hand, have decided to grow his hair again. Why? Do you really want you son to be ridiculed at school?

If your son says he doesn’t like long hair because of bullying then the right thing to do is cut it. His dad acted his sons best interests

I'm so glad your sons father listened to him. He wants short hair, his Dad respected his wishes, end of story.

Yes, changes should be discussed ideally under collaborative parenting. But if he had discussed it with you, would you have said yes?

My feeling is he knows you wouldn't, and your son knows that too, and that's why he didn't discuss it with you.

You can discuss this with your ex if you wish of course, but please do not say anything negative about it to your son. He is likely torn between expressing his wishes and not upsetting his Mum, so please validate his choices, even if they are not to your personal preference.

Do you think you should have more of a say than your son? Lucky his dad listened to him.