Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Couldnt she just wait at the actual door to the breakfast club so he can just go in with him? Rather than the whole walk?

I've been the mum of the child who it's hard to get in. Yes my life would have been MUCH easier if there was a kid my child liked that we would have walked in with. On the times we spotted a kid on the way in it was so much easier, no tears, clinging etc.

Would I have asked someone to meet me every day? Absolutely not. Some people are just so entitled it makes me mad.

Do I wish that some kind soul had offered? Absolutely!! But there is no way on earth I would have asked someone and especially suggest they change where they park and what time they set off etc.

She sounds like an absolute PITA!!!!

And should ask not to.

But if it is a genuine case of him being rough, it needs to be tackled head on.

But in this instance, why should DS be made to be upset over this other boy? DS is in breakfast club and after school club and has a younger sibling. Those 7 minutes every morning are probably really precious. That's not adig at op for having a career, just an observation of the child's world view. Why does that matter less than another child who's now decided DS must walk to school with him? Why can't HTwife tell HER child to cope with the harsh realities of life? She doesn't work and lives nearby, why can't she pull him out of breakfast club if it's too much for him?

I would send the woman a firm message as you liked that idea. But if she ignores it and she still bothers you then be firm, hold your sons hand and talk to him, engage with him only and only him for the whole 6 minute walk, ignoring everyone else around you, make it look to others that you are on a mission with your son only. Everyone will leave you alone and will understand.

i had a similar situation with a mother and son a long time ago, she worked and had little time with her son. She would would engage with him and ignore me and I got the hint.

Too much information. It's not your job or business to suggest other solutions (such as WhatsApp) to her problem. Or to analyse her problem (lose the 'appreciate Simon finds it easier'). Or to apologise. Lose the 'sorry's. PPs have suggested saying 'he'll see him in the playground' etc which is even worse, making your son a date with his potential abuser ('can be quite rough in the playground'). Say what you want to happen then stop talking.

People finally realised that boundaries were OK.

It still isn't their job to pacify a classmate either.

It is perfectly fine that OP's son doesn't want to walk in with him. Simon and his mum need to accept it or in your words, suck it up.

The vote says above 90% YANBU, ignore the posters who can’t take into account that a 5 yo, a YEAR 1 student should not have to play with a child they do not want to especially one that is rough with them and makes them not want to attend something they previously enjoyed.

You’re doing something right when your son feels comfortable enough that he can tell you what is going on and how he feels and that he trusts you to help him and showing him he can have boundaries.

Why?? Why should OP go into so much trouble to put this woman right. Just tell her.

This is really balanced advice ,in life we do come across people we work with and /or become related too who are not our cup of tea and we have to learn the skills to be able to work with /spend small amounts of time with ppl who we would not choose to be with without it turning into a massive drama .
Also the amount of ppl again who just have no care for another child's feelings ,,NOT OP ,she does seem to genuinely want to tactfully disengage .
Let not just be blunt and hurtful if we don't have to be hey ,some little lads are more boisterous than others and unable to pick up on social cues as well as others .
Its really simple treat and speak about other people's children the way you would like your own to be treated and spoken about ,they are all little people learning to navigate the world .
I think you've done the right thing op trying to keep it clear and civil and more importantly out of earshot from little ears .

I hope she backs off!

It's a horrible position to be in. You want to be kind but not at the expense of your own DSs happiness.

Hold your nerve OP. It’s not your job to make life easier for other people if it makes your family’s life harder. This mother should put her child first, which in this case means finding someone else to go in with, or, possibly, perhaps, teaching her child to go in alone? Either way, not your issue.

And IF the headteacher gets involved don’t hesitate to escalate to other teachers, or the governors. Hopefully it’ll get nowhere near that though.

No, Simon's mum should be communicating to her child that going to breakfast club might not be his favourite thing to do but he'll be fine. Children need to learn they will handle getting upset, no?

Walking in, holding your mum's hand, while another mum and child walk next to you - is hardly "pacifying a classmate". It's just a normal part of life.

No wonder we are raising a generation who can't survive in the workplace...

We are raising a generation of people who have much better boundaries and sense of self-worth than the generation before them.

Actually, I'd write a letter to the Head telling them a child called Simon is physically hurting and bullying your son. Tell them age and what class, then let the pieces fall into place that they are reading about their own son. Go on to say their Mother harasses you at the gate.

Blimey what a palaver.
Just tell her where to go if she doesn't stop and you've tried being polite

RTFT - it's not just walking in, it's walking across a park together first. OP's son doesn't want to do that every morning with a kid he doesn't get on with.

It is when Simon wants to do it and OP's child doesn't. They haven't always done it so no, it isn't a normal part of the routine at all.

Why does he have to be nice to someone he isn't comfortable being around?
I thought we were all about teaching boundaries and not putting what other people want before ourselves. Bit selfish maybe but otherwise you just get walked over.

I had to deal with a similar situation to this.

We lived next door to a little girl about the same age as my DS. However, whenever she heard us in our garden she would come around to our house to play with DS or, if we were indoors, she would let herself into the house, until I started locking the door, when she would ring the bell wanting to play with DS. She would monopolise the toys & dictate what games they played.

It was also getting a bit ridiculous as I felt that I had to give her snacks & drinks as I didn't feel that I could give DS snacks etc without her. It got to the point when I was also giving her lunch as, although I would say: 'we're going to have lunch now 'Sally' time for you to go home' she would ask what we were having for lunch & it always turned out to be her favourite or she would say that her mum wouldn't be getting lunch for another hour & wanted to stay while we ate lunch & play with DS afterwards. I felt that I couldn't give DS lunch without giving her any.

DS resented her intrusion & started wanting to go out of the house as he was afraid the little girl would come over.

I spoke to her mum saying that, as I worked, DS didn't get as much time with me or in his own house & garden as we would both like & could we limit the times little girl came over to play? I suggested that I could invite her over for a couple of hours about once a month. Mother said how much the girl loved playing with DS, how much she enjoyed spending time with me as I always did exciting things like having picnics & BBQs in the garden, doing crafts with them, playing with my dogs & how she didn't have any friends of her own age in the area (she went to a private school in a nearby town whereas DS went to the local primary school). I had to firmly say that was unfortunate for her, but it was upsetting DS as it was encroaching on his time with me, on his enjoyment of his own garden, home & toys & in future, if the little girl came over uninvited, I would be sending her home again.

Several times I had to send a tearful little girl home & felt terrible about it, but she got the message and my DS's happiness was more important. Besides I wasn't an unpaid childminder.

DS is 30 now & still talks about 'Sally' the Pain who used to come over, how I had to send her packing several times & how she would cry very loudly whenever things weren't going her way. Edited to add: It seems that she would threaten to cry & tell his mum that he'd hurt her if he didn't do what she wanted. Manipulative little madam.

If it was the odd time by coincidence then it would be a good lesson on being kind, but its not. I would also wonder if there is more to it, they are not listening to your son now so why would the son during the club. He could be pushing further boundries making you son uncomfortable at school. Thats something i would keep an eye out for

I call these types of posters Contrary Marys. Looks like there’s a coach load of them on MN this morning!

Perhaps it’s little Simon that should be building some resilience?

If your text doesn’t change anything you’ve got a real stubborn one. You’ll have out-stubborn her 😬

I'm actually taken back by the negative comments here tbh. The mother has come on here for advice, her kid's confidence is being affected because of someone's child. She has been kind about it and the other mother hasn't taken the hint. If my child is being rough with other kids at school then I want to know about it so that I can nip it in the bud. Ignoring the behaviour is enabling it. Expecting a child to just "suck it up" is mindblowing!

Best of luck OP. Ignore the negative comments because they're ridiculous.