Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

It isn't. I said both the mothers are stepping in too much. It's only a breakfast.

If the other mother had told Simon that sometimes we just have to get on with things where there isn't any real danger in doing so, the whole situation would never have arisen in the first place.

All this "why should my child ever be in a situation that doesn't go exactly how they want" is knee-capping them in terms of managing life. Boundaries are all very well, but you save them for when it actually matters.

Why has she decided to start sending him to breakfast club ? if she doesn't work.

I think this situation is quite symptomatic of how parenting has evolved.

Many parents seem to think that engineering their kids social lives is the job of the parent, and approach the whole thing like some sort of military operation! I found it quite terrifying when my dc were at primary school.

Good luck OP!

But it does matter! he doesn't want to, it's upsetting him.

Children should be allowed to chose who they spend time with, just like adults do.

Some people on MN like to play the devils advocate on everything, no matter how utterly pointless and unkind it makes them look. It's odd behaviour and tbh, I hope they don't have children because they'll be bringing up more of the same.

Take no notice, and good luck with this situation.

It's a 6 minute walk. It's a good opportunity to show your DS that sometimes you have to be nice to people you don't like much. If you are there, I don't see why he's distressed, but he needs to build his resilience if he can't handle walking with his mum and a another child for six minutes. Suck it up!

You couldn't make it up..... 🙄

What a rude and closed-minded thing you wrote.

Boundaries are a hugely important thing for managing genuinely threatening or distressing situations. They have become subverted to an excuse to never have anything not go our way. I genuinely don't think that is a good way to raise children.

You can have your view, but I'm entitled to mine without you calling it stupid. But then maybe you were taught you never have to hear or do anything you don't want to ...

Why would OP know that? They aren't even friends.

Save them for when they matter?

So the OP's son no longer wants to go to brekkie club because of this. This is exactly the time it matters.

Oh, that's a wonderfully ironic post, full of lack of self awareness.

At a guess, she's concerned about him not having any/many friends and is hoping that going to breakfast club will help. Unfortunately, she's been way too aggressive in trying to force friendships.

No one should have to, it's not their job or responsibility to pacify a stranger's child.

I love the walk up to school with my kids; a great time to be together and talk through any little wobbles; prepare for school. I wouldn’t like it if a parent I didn’t like decided to join us - and continued to do so in spite of me telling her otherwise.
I think you’ve managed this really well - clear but not rude; prioritising your boy. And I think from this your DS will take a lot - he’s listened to when he tells you what he’s worried about; he doesn’t have to override his uncomfortable feelings to do what someone else wants; his mum tries to help him figure out how to manage tricky situations - he will take that in and hopefully one day when he’s an adult he’ll have a good repertoire!

Surely in that case, Simon should've sucked it up and just walked in alone in the first place? How is he going to build his resilience?

Ignore, they are obviously being deliberately contrary.

These things do blow over. Tell her to reassure her son that he now knows there are familiar faces at breakfast club, he can go straight in. No need to walk in with another child.

Exactly this.
And perhaps too Simon and his mum will look at Simons behaviour as to why other children are not keen on him.

It's not "a stranger's child" it's a classmate. What next: refusing to sit with him in class?

DD2 has had so many nightmare freinds who limpet onto her through primary school - its especially bad in single class per year schools as there is no escape. Teaching young children that they can PICK their friends and CHOOSE who they play with etc is important.

We never had this problem with DD1 who from the get go was a lot more assertive & confident.

OP is right to teach her son he can choose who he is friends with & who he spends time with.

Having boundaries and determining matters in your own life doesnt mean be mean to people who aren't your close friends.

What an awkward situation op. I hate enforced friendships because at this age it is generally one sided. The other mum is at fault here..she is failing to pick up clear signals from you and keeps on pushing the boundaries demonstrating a real lack of awareness. Sorry, but her sons issues are not yours. If you offered then fine but you did not.

Just keep an eye on things at BC. All awkward of course and I hope this is an end to the matter.

I think we all think the mum is in the wrong.

She is trying to over-engineer things.

Of course parents step in if there is bullying or a genuinely unreasonable situation, but if that's what Simon's behaviour being rough amounts to, it needs to be handled as such, not just a lot of sliding around saying DS likes to talk as he walks etc etc.

If Simon is rough, maybe tell the mum that.

But children do need to learn Mum can't change every situation to their liking - and, yes, Simon's mum shouldn't be being so pushy about it either. I think at first her move was perfectly reasonable; she had no reason to suspect they wouldn't both enjoy going in together. But in continuing against resisting she is also over-engineering.

OP I don’t understand the aggro you’re getting. Teaching your DS that he should roll over, ignore his boundaries and just suck up a difficult personality (even worse with the authority figure undertones given the other boy’s father is the headmaster) is NOT the life lesson your DS needs at this age or indeed ever.

I feel like the other mother is aware of the power dynamic with her husband, I’m sure you’re not the only other mother she’s tried to override.

If he's being rough and irritating, yes, he can ask not to sit next to him in class too.

I was so relieved when my DC left primary school.

Then endless shit like this you have to deal with - no one tells you about this before hand. The nightmare of entitled parents!