Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Wow, the absolute cheek of that parent.

I agree that if Simon is rough, it needs to be raised directly and nipped in the bud, not just dodged.

Here we go, someone asks a simple question and next thing you know she is dodging slings and arrows from all directions.
OP I would stop engaging with those who are intent on ripping you to sheds, you have a lovely sensible text message suggested in the first few answers, which I think you are following up on.
What is it with posters on here, they seem to delight in piling on misery when there really is no need to at all.

I agree with you OP, why should your son have to do something that makes him upset! He enjoy, having that little time, just the two of you! Yes it’s nice if Simon and him were friends. But he shouldn’t have to do it to keep Simon happy, he needs to be happy too.
Simon’s mum needs to sort something out herself, for her child that doesn’t involve you son.

and very few comments on the actions of the Mum inserting herself into our mornings.

I think you should be honest with the Mum about why your child doesn’t want to be friends with Simon. Perhaps she’ll have a word with Simon to tell him to tone it down. Which will be a win outside of breakfast club too.

For what it’s worth OP, I am usually in camp ‘be kind to others and teach this to your children’ but in this instance you absolutely have to protect your son, it’s actually a good opportunity to show him that it’s OK to set personal boundaries. AS IF the other mother should get away with using your son, to the detriment of your son! Good luck and please update us

I am totally with you. Some of the older boys in my son's class (2 year groups per class) are really unpleasant. I will never forgive one of them for shoving him over in front of me when he asked to play football age 5. I would never force him to spend time with them when he doesn't want to. He'll remember you looking after his feelings even when it is awkward.

Maybe because this situation has been going on for a week? I could understand it more if this had been going on for six months. Your son went from skipping to school to being upset? He doesn't want to walk through the door of the breakfast club with another classmate?

Surely there must be several kids all going to breakfast club at the same time? Not just your child and Simon.

You don't need to tell the other parent your plans. You could vary the time you go by a few minutes

You don't need to be sending her what's app messages either explaining yourself. Just drop your kid off and let him get on with it

For understandable reasons you've been over-polite to this mother OP. At least it serves as an object lesson in being open from the start. That kind of person loves excuses - oh sorry, actually this is our chat time, oh sorry I can't because the timing doesn't work, sorry I can't because of x, y, z. They will always call your bluff by suggesting a fix to any 'problem' you come up with.

While all those excuses may be true, you both know they're also tactful glossings-over of the real reason. Which is: your kid is rough, therefore unpopular, therefore has latched on to my kid, using the walk to school as an 'in' that then extends into the breakfast club. And it's spoiling my kid's enjoyment of school.

The mum must know this (in her heart of hearts, if we're being charitable). But she's looking out for her kid. Yours is collateral damage.

I agree that this isn't a small matter of 'It's a life lesson for DS, just shut up and put up'. I'd be seething! These things have an impact. I hope your WhatsApp message did the trick. Be politely firm, honest and grey rock with this mum going forward.

It's annoying, but given that you are walking up a public path to the school, and then across school grounds, I don't think you have any control of who else is walking that way. We live where people park for a local primary and lots of people park further out along our road, plus lots of people who live further away than us but walk, walk that way. Anytime from about 8.25-8.35 there are loads of people walking that way, you can't avoid them. Yes it's annoying if this mum and her son look out for you, but even if they didn't, you'd probably bump into them!

It’s interesting that my post reads this way to you, I totally agree it’s on the mum to advocate for the son and not make it his job to tell the boy no all by himself.

If my kid ever looked unsure about another child I would always ask her what she wanted and support her to say no to something in the moment. (Her no could be not saying yes - a non verbal no would also count!) I wouldn’t force her to talk if she didn’t feel comfortable but I would help her communicate her no e.g do you want to do that with them? you look like you don’t want to - is that right? Then I’d be her voice “ she doesn’t want to do that with you” In my view this is just modelling that saying no is ok rather than grownups sorting all kids problems out for them - I think that could accidentally teach them that saying no is bad/hard and create more anxiety.

I think by prompting the boy to let the mum know what he wants in the moment it teaches that saying no is allowed, and supports him to do this with mum there for support. I see it as good practice so he will feel more confident to say no or ask a teacher for support in breakfast club when the boy is being rough.

I completely agree, OP.

In essence...

Parent and child A - have a routine they enjoy and which works well for them.

Parent and child B - want to change P&C A's routine for their own comfort which, in turn, disrupts P&C A and causes upset to them.

Why do so many think P&C B's needs should overrule P&C A's? Why is it not ok that Child B is upset but ok that Child A is?

Rough kids who nobody likes always latch onto some kind soul whose mum or teacher has told them to "be kind". It's not just a classmate, it's someone he doesn't want to play with. I've encountered this a few times at parties/holiday club - usually the other parent has got all excited that my DS is there and said "Great, you can play with him!" which the kid then takes as "My mum says you have to play with me." And he doesn't have to but he does because he is lovely and then ends up with bruises!

Well maybe the bigger issue is "Simon" being rough in the playground rather than the breakfast club issue.

You say it’s teaching resilience. I say it’s teaching that it’s ok to let someone trample over your boundaries. Resilience doesn’t mean letting other people treat you poorly and saying/doing nothing in response.

The mum must know this (in her heart of hearts, if we're being charitable).

I’m not sure about this. People blind themselves to the faults of their own children.

@OverheardBreakup good luck with this and the thread!

Some of these replies 😂 If you commute to work on the bus or train and some man came and sat next to you every day and tried to chat to you, just suck it up and be kind. No, don’t think so.

I think you've handled this fine, OP, and made your son feel supported and defended. He has the right to choose his own friends and you're helping him to assert those boundaries.

I just want to clear up two issues. Firstly, my son isn't 'distressed' or 'traumatised' by the walk. He's upset and wants things to go back to the way they were.

He and Simon have been in the same class since he started in reception and they get on relatively ok but aren't 'friends'. Last year there was a bit of an upset as Simon kept wanting my DS to play the 'ghost game' at playtime. DS didn't want to...so Simon cried that my DS wouldn't play with him. DS was then encouraged by teachers to include Simon in what he was playing. Simon wanted to play the ghost game so they did (one pretends to be a ghost and chases the rest). Simon then got upset and started crying that my DS was scaring him (by being the ghost and playing the game Simon wanted) so DS got into trouble. We had a chat about this and DS said he didn't want to play with Simon anymore at play time so instead went to lego club or played football with some of the other boys. Simon then started playing football too and was annoyed that DS wouldn't play one on one with him anymore and apparently then played quite rough...tripped up DS and one time threw the ball in his face (he did get into trouble for this). Now they are polite to each other but not friends.

However, DS seems to more have an issue that he and I don't get time to talk and walk together (don't get me wrong, he is not enjoying walking with Simon either). Previous poster is right that he has a younger brother who is louder and more extravert. So when I take him in, we usually talk about what's coming up at school, he downloads the previous day to me, what he wants to have for tea etc and sometimes we play a game of counting how many robins we can spot. This is what he misses and is saying he'd rather not go to breakfast club and walk in together later if it's going to continue.

I work full time. He has to go to breakfast club or I won't start work on time.

Anyway, I sent the message this morning and still waiting for a reply. It's unread at the moment

I would also stick up for my child and at no time will I get him to be a people pleaser, it gets you nowhere in the end. Best of luck Monday OP.

It's a good opportunity to show your DS that sometimes you have to be nice to people you don't like much.

Actually, you don't.

You have to treat people you don't like with respect but you don't have to disadvantage yourself to be intentionally or actively 'nice' to them.

You can, in fact, have nothing to do with people you don't like.

This. I think you/your son are being ridiculous and teaching him a bit of empathy for someone else and also keeping the peace with the HT would be more beneficial.

We had all this years ago with new neighbours, who decided that it would be nice if their child travelled to school with mine on a daily basis.

It might sound silly but those 10 mins in the morning were special to us…we had a game of ‘cat or no cat’ that we played and it was lovely chat time together. I didn’t want to be responsible for someone else’s small child either just because they couldn’t be bothered to take him themselves.

My kids really didn’t want this boy with them and were getting quite upset so we just had to tell them straight… ‘sorry it’s not working for us’. The parents were pissed off but better that than us being pissed off on a daily basis.

Just text her and be direct. Don’t make up lies about timings as it gives her a chance to say she’ll wait for you. Just say ‘Really sorry but walking into breakfast club with us isn’t working, my son is upset as he wants it to just be us two in the mornings. I hope Simon can find someone else to walk in with. Take care xx’.

End of.

This is a good analogy to those banging the 'be kind' 'suck it up' drum

If EVERY DAY on your 7 minute bus journey someone came and sat next to you on an empty bus and wanted to talk to you....you didn't particularly like the chat and it mean you couldn't listen to your favourite podcast that set you up for the day....would you just put up with it? Or ask them to sit elsewhere, move yourself or get a later bus?