Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Simon needs to learn that too which he will be doing.

The son doesn't like the other kid because he's rough in the playground. Valid reason. He is perfectly entitled, even at his age, to chose who he wants to hang out with.

You are going to have to be direct:
"Simon might like to walk into breafast club with DS, but DS prefers to go in alone."

or if you are feeling brave:
"Simon might like to walk into breafast club with DS,but DS doesnt like going to breakfast club with Simon."

And if she persists just say "sorry that does't work for us".

I'm listening to the new Harry Potter audio books at the moment and in my mind I'm picturing Simon as Dudley Dursley 😁

Well DS is not a girl so you can relax on that front.

Nothing unsafe will happen at breakfast. Its a life skill to recognise which situations are genuinely threatening and which are just a bit of a pita because we don't live in a vacuum.

You get paid, no? And that's up to you to be there, nobody is forcing you plus if you hate the situation you'd change jobs. So the little boy is allowed to speak up and change circumstances. shrug

Say "I'm sorry but DS is getting upset at having to walk with Simon and I've decided to prioritise his feelings over encouraging him to be kind on this occasion". If you are confident in your decision then it's best to just be clear and honest.

Well tell DS to speak up then.

Obviously having a direct word with her is the best idea.

But personally I’m a bit wet, I’d get DP/DH to drop him for a week or two, mine has no small talk in him so it would soon get boring!
Failing that I’d park elsewhere or be earlier or later to avoid them.
Sorry this is a tricky one!

He is. To his mum. Exactly as it should be.

I wouldn’t spend time socially with someone I didn’t like every morning and who made my day start badly, so why should a child? Once he’s in school then he does have to get on with it, like every kid does, and there’s no suggestion currently that he isn’t getting on with it in that environment. He’s with Simon for hours a day if they are in the same class. Why does he have to spend this extra time with him outside of school when he doesn’t want to?

But he isn't speaking up. If he'd done that I'd kind of think oh well, that's what he feels and he has done something about it.

In this instance OP is trying to curate his every whim from behind the scenes.

You need to be blunt at this point, you've been polite about it and it's gone over her head. Your son's well being is the priority here. If you're worried about tact have a quiet word with his teacher first because ultimately it's going to affect how he see's school.

He did. He's told his mum. Perhaps try reading the OP's post.

“don’t set your child on fire to keep someone else’s child warm” I always use this as my litmus test in situations. If my daughters are unhappy that’s my priority to address.

I think you’ve done the right thing messaging Simon’s mum and hopefully she doesn’t try and barge her way with txts to get you to change your mind.

Ok fair enough. I misunderstood that bit. I guess he has to just keep on talking to his mum and try and ignore Simon. Or find an alternative route?

It still seems like a lot to say he doesn't want to go to the club because of it.

Simon's mum is doing the same. Why is okay for her to do that but not OP?

And OP’s son is year 1, which is what 5/6? (I’m in Scotland so don’t know the year groups). That’s very young to have the emotional intelligence to be able to articulate something like that to a classmate. He has spoken up to his mum, which is what I would expect at that age.

‘Sorry, my son isn’t keen on your son as a friend and I’m not going to force him to be either. You’ll have to find a new person to support in future’

Excellent sentiment!

Its not just 6 minutes though is it - because it sounds like Simon has no friends and he will likely try and limpet himself on his new "friend from breakfast club DS".

DS has expressed boundaries and he doesnt want to be friends with someone he doesnt like. Boundaries are healthy, not unkind, and important for children to have them. This is a small boundary in a small child - he will hopefully build on that throughout his life.

Unkind is forcing a child to do something he clearly doesnt want to do, just because someone elses Mum wants him to do it.

And even if it WAS "just 6 minutes" why would any parent be in the business of forcing their childing into a friendship they don't want to pelase other people?

"Its 6 minutes - Simon can cope by himself for 6 minutes. Life is full of disappointments"

I did read it. And I grasp that.

I think if this is all about learning to set our boundaries, DS should be doing it.

At year 1 he is perfectly old enough to say I don't really like sitting with you because you are rough in the playground.

All this string-pulling by their mummies is ridiculous and not teaching them social interaction skills.

He’s fucking 5 years old FFS. And acutely aware that Simon’s dad is ‘in charge of the whole school’

Hes told me what is bothering and told me why and god knows I hope he alway feels he can do that.

No, I’m not always going to step in for him but at 5 YEARS OLD yes, I’m going to help him speak up

What a stupid thing to write.

Not sure if it’s been suggested, but would it be possible to have a quiet word with the teacher running the breakfast club, and arrange for your DS to arrive 10 minutes early? If the other mum questions it, you can just say your work hours have slightly changed…

Honestly...Why has this thread got so much judgement on whether or not my son should just 'suck up' this situation and 'be kind' and very few comments on the actions of the Mum inserting herself into our mornings.

I'm honestly shocked at some of these responses...teach empathy...be sympathetic...be kind...it's only 6 minutes.