Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

“Besides, do you really want to live in a society where everyone is rude to each other and there are no basic manners?”

YES. Infinitely preferable.

Many millions of people, myself included. were and are born and raised in societies that are far more blunt and direct than OP was, where straightforward isn’t actually considered rude or lacking in basic manners.

Yes it is. She wants a set time for arrival and a text if OP is going to be late. So if the nursery wants a quick chat when she drops off DS2 she's got to work out if she is going to be "late" for an arrangement she never agreed to.

So you would roll over simply to keep the peace?

and you think OP's 5 year old is pathetic? Adults are allowed to say no and expect other adults to accept it without causing drama and if they do, that is on them.

But it is not you, or even the OP that is being asked to do this, it is the OP's DS. If there was no specific reason why he didn't want to walk with the other boy that should be enough but, as has been explained a number of times, this morning time is the only one to one time the OP and her DS have in a busy day and is precious for that reason.

You'd be surprised but at some point in the last I invited for a playdate an SEN kid who consistently scratched my DC at the nursery. They both enjoyed it a lot and it turns out he is an extremely nice and kind kid who is overwhelmed at the nursery environment.

My DC shares my values about being nice and polite to people, even when they are not nice. My DC is a very popular, loving, curious and kind kid.

It is sad that her son feels rejected and he was rejected, but it is this mom's job to manage his feeling and not let them go to that stage when he started expecting OP's son to be there all the time. SHE created this expectation - she should have taken the hint early on and gently said to her son that this walk is not to be expected.

‘Be polite and nice for 5 minutes’ - well, maybe you apply those basic manners and stop describing a 5year old’s wish for his mother’s undivided attention as ‘pathetic’. Why doesn’t the other mother make alternative arrangements for her dc? Why should op’s small boy miss out on some quality time in exchange for making inane small talk to some woman and her dc every day? He plays with the other boy in school, is polite and tolerant there - he doesn’t have to acquiesce ‘Simon’ and his mother’s every wish. Or is Simon ‘pathetic’ because of his fixation with op’s boy?

Sorry but this is nonsense. They only have 7 minutes together in a busy day? I bet they don't

But that isn’t what Simon and his mum want, @Comfortable8520 - they want @OverheardBreakup‘s son to be Simon’s best friend, and for Simon to be able to monopolise her son - it is so much more than just a few minutes walk each day.

And @OverheardBreakup‘s son is getting upset because he isn’t getting to have his one-on-one time with his mum - a few valuable minutes each day that he looks forward to and needs - why are his needs not important?

Now I think you're being deliberately contrary. No decent parent would force their child to walk to school every morning with a child they didn't like and when it was upsetting them, just to show good manners.

My DC shares my values of Be Kind but not at your own expense and she is extremely popular and is happy to step in and help people. But she is also happy to tell someone to go away if they are bothering her.

So what if they have more? These seven minutes are still precious to them both.

In what world adults send each other text saying don't walk with me or don't talk with me? Everyone's dealing with it in a different way but surely not doing that?!

If a few minutes of kindness to a fellow parent is a roll over then sure - I would do that. I don't lose anything from it

Would you invite one round who insisted on playing "ghosts", then got your child into trouble for - yep - pretending to be a ghost? If you would you are a mug raising mugs.

Good luck when your DS hits his teens.

I can well believe it’s the only time they have without the sibling

Brilliant. What time can I drop Simon round to you for a playdate? Don't say no. Poor Simon will cry and be so so upset

What a controlling cowbag. I’d be sticking my hand up in the group. ‘It’s me, and I’m not embarrassed in the slightest’

To a five year-old who wants a bit of time with his mum each morning, it is a big deal - and why should he miss out on that time with his mum because of some other kid who he’s not even friends with?

Stick to your guns OP, there's no reason whatsoever that your son should be railroaded into spending even one minute with a child he doesn't like on his walk to school. If you had written this on another day, your replies would have been full of support and ideas of how to deal with it. You obviously got the holier than thou day. It matters not a jot whether it's 1:1 time or he just doesn't like him, he's entitled to not have to deal with him on his walk to school, outside of school hours. When he enters school is a bit harder to manage but you are doing right by your 5 year old son. People saying in an office environment you have to suck it up, to some extent this is correct, or you can change jobs, your son cant do that. Let us know how you get on.

Even if your DC is crying about it at home and telling you he doesn't want to do it, like OP's has been? You'd still force them to walk with the other child?

Absolutely. There is a therapy phrase that goes “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm” - which means that no-one should sacrifice their own mental or emotional health in the service of others. No-one should be expecting this little boy to set himself on fire to keep Simon warm.

And asking folk on mumsnet to help compose the messages.

Well, I don't know what to say then. We are different culturally (and I am not British born either).

Have you really never seen threads about CFs wanting lifts to work without offering petrol money or offering in return, and posters asking what to tactfully say?