Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Why is it you either a doormat or you are a rude.
Where is in-between?

The texts were not great, quite offensive IMO. It doesn't cost much to be a socially nice person. You can be assertive at the same time and don't have to become best buddies.

Forgive me if this is a really stupid idea- no experience of little boys.
It is obviously not advisable or pleasant to say "my son does not like your son"
But does your son have a best friend at breakfast club or school?
If so would it be possible to arrange some walking with them or picking them up on the way. Or maybe a sleepover then take them in together
I only suggest this because (and bear in my I do not know what I am talking about) it seems like Simon is set on your child being his best friend, and the mother is falling into line with this. It may be the only explanation for why he has started the breakfast club. If he sees that he cannot have this maybe he he will stop nagging to be with your boy

You’ve done all you can, OP, and you haven’t been unpleasant or rude. Sometimes there’s just no pleasing a person. Well done for sticking up for your son and listening to him.

Oops, replied to wrong message

When your kid is a little shit, it can happen that other kids don't want to play with them. In this case it's obvious the apple hasn't fallen very far from the tree. The WotHM is probably going to have another 10 years of this. Instead of reflecting on why other children don't want to play with her son and talking to him about that, WotHM is intent on creating drama. I'm sure Simon's reputation precedes him. It's perfectly okay to say my child doesn't want to be friends with your child or doesn't want to hang out with your child outside of school. We shouldn't teach our children to be doormats. If politely avoiding doesn't do the trick, it's time to be straight.

That's not what I am saying at all!

At no point I said they should be buddies. I said I would expect a 5 years old average child to put up walking for a few minutes with someone he doesn't like. Just bloody because they are walking in the same direction and it would be rude not to.

I'm with you OP - it's important to show your son that you can set boundaries. I was actually advised this by a school counsellor, when my DD was similar age, and having issues with walking to school with a 'friend' who was making her feel bad. My DD actually wanted to walk with her, despite the various silent treatments and other semi-bullying behaviours of the other girl, but I followed the school counsellor's advice and said No. It worked. And they are actually still good friends now, in year 12, with my DD able to set her own boundaries.

However what I've been thinking while reading your posts is that this is the only real time that you and your DS have without his younger sibling. For him, it is just as he gets his mum to himself that Simon appears. It must be so frustrating for him. I'm glad you're making this quality time for both of you a priority. However if I was you, I would speak to the other mum directly, either face to face, or by phone, to explain exactly what is going on, and say that, while it would be nice if both children wanted to walk together, unfortunately this isn't working for you or your son. No room for misunderstandings, or deliberate misinterpretations, as there is by text.

Goes to show that what constitutes rudeness, assertiveness, and niceness are all very much in the eye of the beholder. I don’t think OP was at all rude in how she handled it, if anything she’s been too ‘nice’ when it would have served her better to be more assertive in telling this woman no.

It seems to cost quite a lot to be ‘socially nice’, not least in time, energy, and self respect.

Ugh, I feel for you OP, I hate this pass/agg, Be Kind bullshit. 'A bit heartbroken', 'making him a card' (always with the crafting!!), 'he'll be devastated not to walk in with his buddy'... the flattery, wheedling and begging. Gives me the creeps, that an adult can be so crudely manipulative and think no-one sees through it.

Seems to be people who do a lot of social media who are particularly fond of this way of communicating.

The only reason it's got out of control is because Simon's mum can't take no for an answer. She is also the one who has brought it to the school WhatsApp, again, because she can't take no for an answer.

Why on earth should OP give in to her demands?

Edited to add YANBU

I can't read all the thread because it's anger inducing!
But basically, be kind to all and sundry and bonus points if it's at the expense of your own child's peace of mind
Honestly, these posters are the opposite of kind, they're sanctimonious morons
The mother is behaving thoughtlessly and I'm not surprised her son is a little erm boisterous- he needs to learn how to behave acceptably, it is not for your kid to enable this especially at the expense of his own well-being
Don't be gaslit by the idiot posters, half of them probably don't have kids

You must be such a people pleaser pushover if you're willing to walk every morning with someone you don't like just for the sake of not wanting to appear rude. I'd go so far as to call it pathetic behaviour, in fact.

Well if she carries on trying to force other parents and children to do what she wants, she may not be for much longer.

Well it's hardly a change of the whole routine is it? When someone walks next to you for a few minutes a day. Does not really seems like a dramatic change to me. Yes, sometimes we have to be polite to other parents even if we don't like them, just because the kids are in the same class and it's better to keep things peaceful.

It is interesting that the ‘be kind’ brigade don’t seem to extend that to their own children.

your son is only in year one OP and they are only little for a short amount of time. These little walks and chats that you have on the way to school will be precious memories that you can both look back on in years to come. Dont let this silly woman ruin that for you - just take a big breath and be direct but polite with her. If she still can’t take the message or she creates a fuss that’s her problem not yours you need to put your son first.

OMG this mom is basically used to steamrolling everyone. This whatsapp message is very low.

I would not engage at all, OP, even if other parents start criticising you in the chat (they probably won't). Just stay out of it and grey rock it all.

Yes, sometimes we have to be polite to other parents even if we don't like them, just because the kids are in the same class and it's better to keep things peaceful.

No it's not, if it's at the detriment of your own child! Christ, I feel sorry for your DC if you have any. You sound like the kind of parent that would invite their bully round for tea.

You are very welcome to have your opinion!

Yes, it's not hard for me to be polite and smile to someone I don't like for a few minutes a day. It's not that I have to do a massive effort for it. Good manners cost nothing

I loathe the whole “be kind” nonsense.

OP, well done for sticking up for your son. That mum sounds bonkers honestly. Completely unhinged and borderline stalkerish.
If her child is generally unliked I get that it's hard to navigate but it reminds me of the mum who brought her daughter to the birthday party she explicitly wasn't invited to recently and made a scene.

Those saying this boy should put up with walking with a boy he does not like, makes him upset, makes him not want to go to school .. where does it stop? At what point should the boy no longer put up with this madness? When he’s 8 and the boy starts to say horrible things about him? When he’s 10 and the boy physically bullies him? When he’s 12 and the boy gets other boys to start bullying him? When?? Really, when?? What about if it were a girl? Would you tell her she had to put up with a boy she didn’t like nor want attention from? Or would it be okay for her to set her boundaries and stick to them? Honestly, get a grip of yourselves.

I'd have been tempted to go scorched earth in the WhatsApp group after that @OverheardBreakup 'Its me, my kid isn't friends with Simon because he's an in-your-face little ratbag whose Mummy won't take a bloody hint and my kid has absolutely had enough of being used to lure Simon into BC'

I think your approach of keeping powder dry and seeing whats going on is the smarter one!!

And I completely understand you. Your son doesn't want this, you and him enjoy and NEED this 1:1 time, and its not your job to be emotional support parent + child to her son when they are not friends at all. 5 year old is allowed to choose his friends and allowed to have his own boundaries. If anything, talk to him to ensure that Simon doesn't hog him in the breakfast club and give him scripts for saying "sorry, I want to do X instead" "I want to play with ABC now".

I’d put my kid’s feelings first and park somewhere else. Whether you then walk another way across the park or park closer and just sit in the car and have a nice chat before your DS goes in - time to change your route if you can!