Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

You disagree with the value OP and her son put on the only quality time they have together during the day? Why?

To answer the Q ‘if someone I disliked was tagging along during my work commute’, if I had a close friend with me (equivalent to a mum to a 5yo), then no I wouldn’t care that an extra person was there, I would just say hi and continue my conversation with my friend.

Totally irrelevant, given that you're not 5 and looking at losing the only quality 1-1 time you can have with a loved parent.

Ha, I do hope you feel vindicated? She's clearly odd and has no social graces. What on earth has she put it out there for?! She want sympathy?

Some people really are odd. I almost feel sorry for Simon, having that as mum.

this.

So you don't like commenting or acknowledging that bit because it doesn't gel with your narrative that OP's DS is pathetic. Got it.

The side by side chats on the school run are incredibly important to both my boys - even with one in secondary. They decompress their day and it’s a key transition. Both have autism and find the noise and peopleness of school hard work. They can cope with a very occasional companion on the school run - sometimes we walk the neighbouring kids in if their parents aren’t well - but they need that regular time with a parent 121 even if it is only a 5 minute walk

not saying that OP’s son is ND but noting that the home/school transition can be hard for various reasons and his needs and wants are important and should be listened to.

Very occasional walking together might be cause for compromise. All the time or even regularly is unfair UNLESS everyone wants it

Don't respond but screenshot what's been said between you, she's trying to stir the pot now. Don't give her the satisfaction of a reaction.

What message did she post in the group chat?! You are totally right btw.

I now understand why so many people grow up to be utter doormats, doing stuff they don't want to do for people they don't like, too scared to say a word. They likely had Be Kind parents who prioritised others above them and taught them how they feel is unimportant, what matters is not upsetting someone else and they should always be the ones to suck it up

OP, you have done the right thing. Your son is not less important than this Simon and what he wants should not be shoved to the bottom of the pile by his own mother! You, rightly, are showing him that how he feels matters to you and that Being Kind is not the priority at all times.

I really don't understand your difficulty in comprehending that OP's son's difficulty in dealing with Simon is very much wrapped up with the fact that he is making him lose his quality time with his mother. You cannot divorce the two, nor can you insist on responding only to the opening post as if OP's other posts don't exist. It's just absurd.

You're also ignoring the fact that OP's son puts up with Simon all day, from breakfast club to the end of the school day. Surely it's not "pathetic" or odd to want just 10 minutes Simon-free time?

BTW, respond in the group chat.
Hi. I'm the other mum, I prefer to spend those few minutes with just my son, no sparing of blushes needed.

I have known a few classes where the school requested they shut down their WhatsApp because of nastiness - some towards other parents and some towards staff. I know a few schools that moved to classlist so things could be kept to school

luckily never my kids classes!

Why would you be concerned if your child was putting up with the kid they don't like for the rest of the day?

Why does he need to go to breakfast club if the mum doesn't work? Sounds like it would be better for her to drop him at normal school time if he can't cope at breakfast club without your ds.

Frankly OP I’m sat here open mouthed reading some of the replies you’ve had, I would do exactly as you have. It doesn’t matter to your son it’s a 2 minute walk or 10 minutes, it’s valuable time to him and to you.
it sounds like the Mum has a bit of a reputation, yes it’s good to teach a child patience and understanding but not the cost of your sons happiness.

True courtesy does not consist of forcing your presence on people where're you're not wanted

This would really annoy me.

My children are young adults now but the walk to and from school was very precious time. I also have very fond memories of walks to and from school as a child myself.

This woman sounds incredibly manipulate and entitled. I have very low tolerance for needy people who don't enjoy the company of their own children and need to lean on others to entertain their own kids.

I would reply to her in the group chat with something light and brief: 'as explained in person and private message, it's precious 1-1 time for us to spend together before and after school.' No further explanation is required and I would stonewall her thereafter.

And some of the replies on this thread confirm precisely why I would not take advise from posters on AIBU! You are definitely not BU!

I suspect the other parents will be able to work out who she is talking about anyway - and she probably knows it, so her alleged reluctance to name and shame was purely hypocritical. However, it sounds as if no-one is going to feel there is any cause for shame.

Well this thread shows why Be Kind is so damaging. People use it to get what they want and manipulate people

What has she actually said in the WhatsApp group? Shocking that she is trying to pull other people in and create a drama. Your son is not her support animal, she is deranged!

you're doing the right thing. Teaching your son that his boundaries matter and are respected is so important. And kids like this with parents like her dont get better with age. So awkward it’s the heads son because my advice would have been to ask senior management to look at the class structure and try to limit their contact as much as possible going forward.
My son befriended a boy at his old school that was similarly intense and wanted to monopolise all of his time. It escalated to the point that my son was having to get physical to get the boy out of his space. The mum then went crying about her son being “attacked” by mine with absolutely no context as to why it had come to that. When she posted it “anonymously” on social media I did speak out. In the end I moved my son to another school because this parent was just as oblivious as the one you’ve described. so yes, stand firm and protect your son’s peace now.

It's her persistence that would indicate to me she's on a mission. Most people would not push the issue when it was obvious that the other mum and her kid were not keen to engage.
Unless you bring our old friend ND into it I suppose... perhaps the mum can't pick up the signals?

I'm going to pick up DS in 15 and I usually see a few of the other parents at after school pick up so I'll see what the vibe is and judge it from there. But I don't think I'll bring it up myself, just see if anyone else does.

Simon doesn't go to after school club so I wont see him or mum there

And to the posters who've asked - I have no idea why Simon goes to breakfast club if she doesn't work. But he never used to. My DS has gone all through reception and Simon only started going last week

Blimey. She is really awful ! She sounds like a school bully herself. Teaching your small child that someone else has to be their friend, just because they want them to be, is not going to pan out well as Simon gets older.

What did she say in the group chat?

This is why we need the laughter emoji back 😂😂❤️❤️😂😂