Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Look, OP wants to shake this unfortunate mummy son duo off. That's her choice. Why should a 5 year old be made uncomfortable by an overbearing and seemingly aggressive class mate? Telling OPs son to shut up and put up is the opposite of encouraging empathy.

When will mums learn that you cant force friendships.

Where do you get 2 minutes from? It's more like 8-10 minutes by the time OP has walked across the park and then across the playground and waited for the children to be allowed into school.

I'd be a bit concerned if my DC would not be able to walk for 6 minutes with someone from their class.

She does not sound like the nicest woman on earth and her son is probably a bit of a pain but come on. 6 minutes. It's pathetic!

❤️❤️❤️

You could also say it's concerning and pathetic that a DC can't walk for just 6 minutes alone and is demanding that someone who isn't even their friend walk with them.

The apple dons't fall far from the tree

DH and his sisters were taught by his mother in the local very small village school. They reckoned she was much stricter with them than she was with anyone else, though to be fair none of them seem scarred by it.

You completlye missed the context of that reaction.

That was to all the people who kept saying it's only 2 minutes because they haven't bothered to read the whole thread or her multiple explanations that it's the 10 minute walk in the park.

The OP’s son is FIVE and doesn’t want to. End of. Maybe he feels bossed around and bullied by Simon, maybe he just wants time with his mum. Whatever the reason, why force him to do it and be upset? If you would be more “concerned” about your kid putting aside their feelings because you think that’s how they should feel, then you’re not a very nice person.

The 6 minutes is time in the morning for the DS without their younger sibling monopolising attention. It is quality time that that they both value. There is no good reason to give that up just to pacify another family.

Fine if it was just 6 minutes. But actually it's more than 6 minutes (OP said it's 7 minutes across the park to the entrance, they then have to cross the playground and wait to go in to school), and it's every sodding day. OP's son puts up with Simon at Breakfast Club and in school for the rest of the school day. Why should he have to give up the one chance he has to talk alone with his Mum every day?

Excuse me for multiple replies. I should have read the entire thread before jumping in! I've caught up now.

Holy moly! This woman will NOT expect that the whole world doesn't revolve around her. And the part where she says how important she believes it is for children to learn to compromise? That feels manipulative and also implies she thinks you're not teaching your son how to correctly navigate life. She sounds entitled.

No wonder other parents have had blow ups with her. No wonder your son doesn't want to be friends with Simon. And no wonder why he hasn't got any other kids to walk in with!

Maybe she needs to be told that sometimes children should be taught that they're not the centre of the world and that friendships should be organic and not engineered!

@Keepingthepeace9

"Whenever my children became involved in a situation where a pupil they didn't particularly like latched on to them, as long as the pupil wasn't a bully mentally or physically & especially if they were from a stable background which I presume is the situation with Simon, then I would do my utmost to change my child's perception."

A stable background?! So if the kid wasn't from a 'stable background' (whatever your definition of a stable background is) you wouldn't want your kids to be friends with them?

The OP has had a very undeserved bashing here. Her DS is 5 - it's his Mum's job to advocate for him and listen and look after him. Simon's Mum (while also looking out for her son) sounds unhinged - as someone has already observed upthread - not Simon's fault, poor kid, but NOT the OPs son's responsibility to 'change his perception' of a child who he finds bloody annoying!

Stand your ground OP. She'll be turning up on your doorstep with cupcakes if you're not careful!

@forgetitpleaseI have not heard ‘holy moly’ since my lovely uncle passed away some years ago. I am now going to make an effort to reinsert it into my vocabulary!

Very strange reply off her.

A wonderful post @canklesmctacotits , you’re spot on ❤️

I completely agree. I so look forward to those morning walks. I get more out of him then that I do all weekend sometimes! ♥️

Then I would do my utmost to change my child's perception.

Inappropriate overstep im my view.

@OverheardBreakup my reply to that would be:

No, that still doesn't work for us.

My ds and I cherish our quiet time together on our walk to school.
We do not want company, and my ds finds your ds too rough.
Since you've instigated them walking in together my ds has become more and more upset about losing our special time together, and no longer wants to attend BC.

My job is to advocate for my ds, and he doesn't want to walk with your son on any morning, so you will have to make other arrangements, as from now on we'll be going back to our old routine of walking in alone.

I understand that your ds is your priority (as is my ds mine) and so you're going to try to make things easier for him, but riding roughshod over other people will not do him any favours in the long run.

Do not wait for us, as the refusal to walk with us may hurt your son's feelings, which is why I'm texting in advance so that you can make other arrangements. Regards. X

Other mother isn't oblivious - she's outsourcing her problems to you.

You are entirely right to make clear that your son get precious little one on one time with you and as he's asked you to protect it, you need to prioritise that. Between a younger sibling and school he'll be getting plenty of practice at compromise.

Sounds like Simon could do with learning how to compromise, though.

So if someone at work chatted to you at the start of your day, for 6-8 minutes and this left you feeling upset, uncomfortable, and not wanting to go in the next day due to them being there, you’d be okay with that? Every single day you go to work? Every single day? You don’t like them, you don’t want to talk to them, you dread the thought of them being there. Is that okay? Should you just shut up and put up? No. You have your boundaries. A 5 year old child is exactly the same.

I could. But I won't.

A smile, a nod and a short walk next to someone from a class is basic politeness, in my eyes. They are not forced to spend hours together. It's 6 minutes.

I am more curious if why OP's DC is reacting so strange.

Anyway, it’s all escalated now as she’s brought it into the class WhatsApp in a very passive aggressive way.

i know all of the mums in the class quite well and the ruckus she started last year with another parent didn’t leave her with a great reputation (she essentially got the class rep removed as didn’t think she was doing the job well enough).

All I got was a thumbs up to my reply to her message privately but I’ve clearly pissed her off now so at least she won’t be waiting for me tomorrow morning!

Well at least you now know the woman isn't oblivious at all!

She is well aware of how you and DS feel and still wants to trample on your views and choices.

So, my reply would be - yes, you are absolutely right, kids DO need to learn to compromise and to understand that other people have different needs, especially if they have a younger sibling they are constantly having to consider and compromise around. Because I work FT, this is our special, private bonding time before he starts a very long school day. Our relationship is very important to us, as is this small period of time each day. [I am sure you can explain to your DS how lucky he is that his mummy doesn’t work and he doesn’t have to share her.]