Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

OP isn't making a lot of fuss, the other mother is. OP just wants to get on with her life.

Dear CF HT wife

I understand that your son is upset, however I am not obligated to give our time, nor to be made to feel bad for respecting my son’s wishes.

Whilst I agree it’s important to teach compromise, some things are not open to compromise and this is one of them. My son has been very clear about what he wants, and I am respecting that.

This however gives you a really good opportunity to teach your son compromise and resilience, both of which are such important life skills.

And what am I reading about mums net being sold? To whom? Some data harvester?

Send a message and say "I'm so sorry about this but my son is kicking up a fuss about walking in with you and Simon every morning. He's saying that it's taking our mummy and son time away and that he doesn't want to go to breakfast club anymore if we can't walk in together. Bloody kids. It's just easier if we don't walk in together any more. I know it sounds dramatic but it's just for an easy life lol. Hope you're well anyway!". Simple as that. It'll be done and dusted then. Friendly and impersonal whilst getting the job done. She's a cheeky mare because you've blatantly hinted to the Nth degree that you don't want to walk in with them.

Nice snide dig. Simon is five. Hardly think he's going to be collecting victims

The issue isn't really the walking in though is it? That takes two seconds. It's the fact your son doesn't want to be friends with Simon- which is completely valid. Can you talk to your ds and say just because they walk in together doesn't mean he has to knock around with Simon once they're in school? Flag the issue to the teacher, say that DS is getting upset could she make sure they're not paired up etc? Then maybe say to the mum your da has said he doesn't always want to walk in together and finds it a bit much when they wait.

Genuinely can’t believe most posters on here … why should a 5 year old have to put up with something that makes him unhappy, every single day, something that can very easily be avoided, something that was thrust upon them?? I think most posters are unable to put themselves or their children in this position in their heads to be honest. Why are you all so willing to teach your child to let others cross their boundaries? Where does it end?

OP I can only say, stay firm with this batshit mum. Good luck.

For those saying DS has to learn how to tolerate others and build resilience, he already has to do this in school for 8 hours every day. He’s asking to continue his 10
mins of 1:1 time with his mum. OP is quite right to listen to DS’ feelings and show him she is on his side - this kind of thing pays off over the long term.

The OP has already sent more than one what's app message to Simons mum.

I think the other mum is being quite annoying, but OP is getting pretty upset about it and perhaps DS is getting more upset because of that. Anyway, I hope it resolves itself soon.

Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how to treat you.

Well done you for having your sons back. Some of the replies on here are astounding

i cannot believe her reply!!!

Wow. She's very manipulative. At this stage I would just reply with

"No, sorry it doesn't work for us. Surely it's an important life skill for Simon to learn that you can't always have what you want- because other people's feelings are as valid as his. So they can see each other inside the school but he wants to walk there with me and I hope you will respect that".

Time to stand up for your son.

I’d keep it shorter: Dear CF, my DS wants to walk to school and enter alone so please do not wait for us any more. Appreciate this may not suit Simon but hopefully you can find someone else who will want to accompany him.

100%. And that is bad parenting if she continues to push breakfast club on her son when it is not for work reasons.

Mine doesn't like it either so I only use it once a fortnight when DH is away and cannot do dropoff.

Sorry I've committed the cardinal sin of not reading all the replies before posting on mumsnet lol. Disregard my post. Apologies!

"It's a really important lesson for both our sons to learn that they can't make someone else want something that they don't want, and that no one else can make them want something either. If Simon has ever percieved X as a 'bestie' that didn't come from X. I'm sure Simon will feel less daunting to X as they both get older but at the moment Simon is a bit too rough for X who is a gentle soul. I hope you are able to give Simon the support he needs and I am sure you understand I have to put X's needs first"

You're missing the point. The value to OP's son is having precious time alone with his Mum in the mornings when she's not at work and his little brother isn't around demanding her attention. Even if he were best friends with Simon, the strong likelihood is that he would be pleased to see him at school but would still not want to walk in with him, because he doesn't want to give up that time with his mother.

right? Did those people not hear that a little boy who was previously happy is now dreading going to breakfast club and in tears? But he should just suck it up to make Simon happy! Bizarre…

Why are you trying to sneer at those who have a different opinion to you, instead of engaging with the many people who are taking the time to try to help you?

People are allowed to see the situation differently to you. It is valid to point out that in life, you have to learn to tolerate people you don’t like, and to develop empathy. (Provided the person in question isn’t doing anything wrong, which it doesn’t sound like Simon is. He’s just a bit much).

I agree with you that it’s best to avoid this pair (especially after the mum’s manipulative, condescending guilt trip) and enjoy your walk alone. But the forum members coming from the other perspective aren’t saying anything wrong or outrageous. They just disagree with you.

Did you get the chance to speak to anyone at Breakfast club, OP? DS's reaction and the previous incidences in school seem to suggest that Simon is a bit pushy and aggressive. I'd be asking them outright if Simon is clinging to DS or monopolising his time in a demanding way during the club. If so, Simon's Mum needs to know that.

That 'taking opportunities to teach kids to compromise' bullshit needs addressing, whatever the outcome. Whilst yes, it's clear that she will be anxious about Simon's upset at his lack of friends, she needs to understand that other kids do not have to bend their wishes for kids who themselves are demanding their way and that you are helping your child to speak up for himself and set boundaries.

Simon hasn't fallen far from the Mum tree, has he?

My mother taught both my brother & me in reception infants, no problems. But it was a village school with about 30-40 pupils & lots of kids were related to dinner ladies & 'helpers' (we didn't have TAs in those days) as well as each other. But I started school in 1967 so different times.

My father taught me for one of my A'levels. We had a pact that we didn't talk about school at home - we waited until we got to school or travelling to/from school.

Sure. As soon as Simon’s mother familiarizes herself with the concept of respecting the boundaries of others and taking no for an answer. Quite a shame that she didn’t learn that as a child.

Scary lady, stalker type.

Complain to school about her, oh, wait....

Reply

Hi entitled unhinged Head's wife,

Thanks for explaining, my decision hasn’t changed. I understand it’s disappointing but I’m not comfortable making any changes. I hope Simon can understand and find another way to work it out. Resilience is an important life skill. Thanks for respecting my choice.

It's coercive behaviour, I know the type, awful.

It’s no mystery why Simon is struggling with friendships with a mum like that, is it?!

Too full on. You’ve made the right call there.

You don’t need to be friends with everyone. Learning to be “friendly” but not “friends” is so important. You’re doing the right thing by avoiding this kid. Likewise, he learns a valuable lesson that you can’t get your mum to force people to be nice to you.