Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

They are meeting where OP parks and then walking across a park to the school gate

OP has said she will talk to staff about what’s happening in breakfast club as obviously neither parent can control that

When you get to this point in a thread and no fucker has even read the OP's posts...

OP has explained more than once that they cross a park to get to school from where they park

Its not a friendship though it's walking through the gates together. Nobody has suggested they play together all the time.
agree the mim is out of order, just thinking that it's something the boy could be encouraged to tolerate.

I respect the fact you are Teacher although your opinion hasn't changed my mind. I must have done something right given I brought up my children in exactly the way I describe in my post. They are well balanced modest individuals who were extremely popular high flyers in every area of school. Above all, their care & empathy for their fellow human beings led one of them to a successful career in medicine. Nobody is forcing this child to be friends with Simon. As a school child It isn't possible to like everyone in your class. As long as the pupils you don't like are not badly behaved bullies it is possible to at least tolerate different personalities.

By the time a child reaches school age that's the time to begin to teach them this important life skill. You can dislike people & avoid people you dislike. The problem begins when you have no choice in the matter & you have to share the same space in school then possibly the work place. This is where leaning to be tolerant of other peoples nature comes into it's own.

…

I bet Simon’s mum hasn’t got many friends. I also think it was her idea to make the card. Some people just try too hard to insert themselves into your life and I’m not surprised she is ignoring you. You do not owe Simon or his mother any of your time. What makes them think it’s ok to push in when you have made it quite clear their company is unwelcome?

Simon is calling them 'morning besties'. The other mother is trying to herd the OP's son into a friendship with Simon. It's clear as fucking day. He does not need to tolerate a boy he actively does not like.

he's 5!! LOL

So it is a two minute walk and then Breakfast club. Its hard to ditch someone when you walk in with them so I get OP's dilemma.

I know this sounds strange but the HT’s I know (I know a few) never live within walking distance to their place of work

Its some sort of unspoken rule that they don’t want to get involved with parents from the school disturbing them out of school hours at home and also it means their own children go to different schools to their place of work.

The issue ultimately is Simon needs to go to a school where his father isn’t the HT

I suspect that Simon and his mother are throwing their weight around because they know nothing is going to happen to them

I would look into the schools policies and criteria around children of staff members attending the same school as the parent.
There could be a conflict of interest particularly if Simons rough behaviour ever lands him in the HTs office.

As I said friends who are doing this role know the pitfalls and live elsewhere to avoid them

I'm not going to add anything to the #bekind thing, I've been around the block too many times to join that bandwagon. But I'm coming to the end of walking a child to school each morning after many years and it's shocked me how emotional I feel about it. Our walk is 11 minutes, door to door. In those 11 minutes with each child I've had moments where they've shared private stuff, where they've warbled on about nonsense, where they've told me jokes, where they've run off ahead with their friends, where they've dragged their heels because something's been bothering them, where I've been cross with them about something, where I've helped run them through spellings before a morning test, where they've downloaded random football data, where I've carried in birthday treats and where I've carried in musical instruments and art projects. I've done it in winter coats and hats and gloves, I've done it in shorts and short sleeves, in the rain with wellies and umbrellas and when I've been bundled up and they're shivering in shorts saying they're not cold. I've done it when their backpacks were almost the same size as them, and when the backpack became a trendy tote.

Don't let this woman steal this time from you. She needs to find a way to help her son through his problems without taking this away from someone else. It would have been one thing to share it for weeks or months (nothing lasts long in primary) if your son had been up for it. But he's ASKING you for this time together. Those few minutes are so, so precious for both of you. Talking to your child in the car is a thing: you're not looking at each other, you can't see facial impressions, you're stuck in a small and cosy space - it's when children open up. Same goes for walking side by side on a predictable, bite-sized journey.

Stick to your guns. If she insists, send a short "I'm sorry but we can't do this for you, my DS needs this time alone with me for his own reasons. Please let this be the end of it. Good luck."

It’s been a stressful week for you OP!

WTF - why should he? 🤦‍♀️

It's not a 2 minute walk.

It's closer to 10 minutes than 2 minutes.

Children spend all day at school learning how to be around some children that they wouldn't otherwise spend time with.

It doesn't have to be the case before school just to pacify another child and his mother who doesn't understand the word 'no'.

It's insane to me how much people really want everyone to just bend to the will of the most overbearing people. People really fucking hate boundaries.

So you have never posted about the ebb and flow of friendships that your dd has had through primary school? @usedtobeaylis

What I am saying is that it is not just about the walk to the breakfast club, its also about what happens in the Breakfast club.

Exactly. It's his time with his mum. We all know how fraught classrooms can be with personality clashes.

Why do people keep comparing 5 year olds with adults?

Most adults would be unemployed and in court if they behaved the way most 5 year olds do towards each other at various points of the day!

Teachers manage the environment at school all day in way that employers never do.

And, yes, if they are sitting next to someone who they find really irritating we move them otherwise they cry and refuse to work and their parents complain. Which doesn't happen at work either.

Goldfsh
It's a 6 minute walk. It's a good opportunity to show your DS that sometimes you have to be nice to people you don't like much. If you are there, I don't see why he's distressed, but he needs to build his resilience if he can't handle walking with his mum and an another child for six minutes. Suck it up!

Theres a difference between being nice to someone and being friends with someone. I’ve had my kids have children over that they weren’t excited to be friends with and I’ve made my son go to parties to try to get him mixing. You’re honestly just spreading misery- would you like to walk with someone who had told their parent they hated being around you?

Well yeah, because kids have to learn to get on with others, even if they don't particularly like them. You've now explained it's a slightly longer walk but those of us assuming you just meant a 30 second walk across the playground really don't get the issue.

If you honestly think he should never have to interact with a child he's not that keen on, even for the briefest of interactions, how on earth do you expect him to manage in school or extra curriculars when the teacher gets him to pair up with different kids? He won't always be allowed to go with his best friends.

I dont think anyone thinks that your son should have to be best friends with a child he doesn't like and spend all day with him, or even walk 6 minutes with him in the morning if he doesnt want to, but spending less than a minute (which was our understanding before you clarified) helping a shy/upset child out would be a kind thing to do and is also a good life lesson for your ds.

This seems like such a mountain out of a molehill. They’re five years old, they’ll probably be best friends in a week. Five year olds are fickle. It is alarming that 1) this is causing both kids so much distress and 2) you and the other mum are coming to blows over it.

Essentially…. this