Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Bloody hell. If you absolutely had to send your kid to the school where his dad is the headteacher you’d do your best not to be a dickhead, surely? I feel kind of sorry for Simon. His dad is the guy whose office you get sent to when you’re naughty and his mum is going to alienate all the parents of his friends at this rate - who the hell would say yes to a sleepover at Simon’s? Of course you shouldn’t cave in to her demands OP, stand your ground politely.

Sorry but your child should be able to walk with who he wants, you’ve done the right thing.
I suspect the Mum knows her child struggles with friendships and is keen to attach him to yours to make her life easier.
I always tell my child the they should be polite but I have similar age child and if he said ‘Mum, Fred is really rough in the playground and I don’t want to walk into breakfast club with him, I would listen.
I would say to him whilst in the club it would be important to try and include ‘Fred’ if everyone was playing a game and he wants to join but that’s down to the breakfast staff club to manage.

I just wouldn’t reply to her message at all. You’ve told her how it is…and she’s being absolutely ridiculous! I’d also distance myself from this woman moving forwards as she sounds quite unhinged!

Slightly off topic but I think it is terrible for children to go to school where their parents teach. I know because it happened to me as a child.

Simon’s mum really needs to learn how to parent her child.

These few minutes on the school run are really precious at this age, especially when they’re so young, and actually still want you near them 😆.

I had a similar thing with a child I would give a lift to in year 1. I started to miss those ten minutes in the car where my daughter and I would catch up on our days, so I told his mum I couldn’t do it every day any more.

Your child comes first OP. I would do exactly the same as you, and I doubt very much all the posters telling you he needs to learn to “suck it up” (horrible phrase) would dream of entertaining someone they couldn’t stand every day for ten minutes “because it’s kind”. They just wouldn’t - as you can see from the many “l don’t want to give this person a lift to work every day” threads.

TBH, for 7 minutes I would put up with it most the time and sometimes say that I needed to finish listening to or reading something.
Children can't always be protected from spending time with people they're not keen on. The childs mum is being annoying probably through anxiety that her boy is unpopular, but this kind of situation happen in school anyway.

But this is true of almost all MN threads.

Just don’t be a cunt, and no one will ever need to post about you.

It happens in school but it doesn't have to happen before school too.

I see you've already sent a response. I would have suggested asking if your son would be ok with meeting them at the school gate and just walking across the playground together. If you warn the BC staff about not allowing Simon to monopolise him once there. This would avoid the inevitable anxiety about what to do if they still wait or you happen to bump in to them as you have given a set place for them to meet that suits you. You can say to go on ahead rather than having them 2 steps behind you. It also paints you and your son in a positive light as far as the be kind brigade are concerned while protecting the important time and showing your son that you will help him maintain his boundaries.
There is a time where being kind is the right thing to do, it shouldn't be to your son's detriment but if it's no skin off his nose to walk together across the playground and it genuinely helps Simon then it solves the problem neatly without conceding.
Of course, if your son is adamant that he doesn't want to go in together either, I agree you should support him in that and you'll just have to stick with a firm no and deal with any fall out.

Goodness, people are really being unnecessarily rude here. While OP needs to keep her boundaries and is absolute right not to walk in with Simon, there is no need for people to pile on and be so horrible about another poor mother who's clearly worried about her son and doing her best. You're not a terrible person if you send a text that doesn't come across well.

Can you park on the main road for a few weeks and avoid the park walk completely? Hopefully, they'll have found someone else in that time.

Simon needs to learn that disappointment is a fact of life, and his enjoyment of ‘morning besties’ does not take precedence over your son’s aversion to it.

The woman is relying on you to not be upfront. She isn’t oblivious - she knows the situation, but she’s more than willing to ride roughshod over you to get what she wants. She’ll also be aware that her being the headteacher’s wife makes this awkward for you. She’ll keep pushing against ‘soft’ refusals, leaving you little option but to be firm with her. Don’t explain or justify yourself to her, because that only gives her something to work around and rebut. No means no.

You aren’t the one creating the discomfort and awkwardness. You aren’t responsible for her feelings, nor those of her son. You don’t have to soothe or pacify her.

Multiple texts*.

She isn’t ‘doing her best’ at all.

They can be empowered to choose their own friendships. Parents should not be pushing children together when one of the clearly and explicitly doesn't want it.

Surely you understand that your child is not the blueprint for all children though?

Friendships do evolve and change quite significantly through primary.

The biggest year for it, IME, is year 3 because that's when they really start to understand about people having different personalities and character traits. They start to realise that the person they have been best friends with since Reception because they had the same shoes/hairstyle/bag on the first day, isn't actually someone they actually like all that much or that the person in class they never really noticed because they were so quiet actually has a really good sense of humour or is really supportive of others and they start to see them differently.

Etc.

It's actually a really lovely stage of development to witness and it's one of the reasons why it's my favourite year to teach.

Yes, I understand that. I don't think other people understand that about their child.

For 2 minutes a day? How are they going to learn that people cannot always choose the company they keep? Will he refuse to sit next to an irritating colleague in his first job?

Also I don't think 'they might end up friends later'is particularly relevant. They're not friends NOW and the OP's won shouldn't be pushed into anything. The issue is wholly Simon's mum.

For 2 minutes? This is part of the challenge of school life.

It’s nearer 10 mins and it’s the time the son enjoys spending with his mum to prepare himself for the day ahead

I'm worried I am misreading the problem now, I thought that the other boy was hanging back to walk into breakfast club (2 minute walk) with the OPs son and then spend the breakfast club time with him? So its not just 2 minutes?

They can choose who they are friends with. He is very clearly being corralled into a friendship he doesn't want. And actually at this age if he IS empowered to choose his own friendship then he will be better equipped to deal with an irritating colleague beyond the backwards 'put up and shut up' solution too many people here seek to favour.

Ten minutes, how come? I thought this was drop off by the gates?

Hello Headmasters wife.👋

I feel for you, it's a difficult situation. I agree that you should stand your ground. Maybe it would be worth explaining that your son has a younger brother who is louder and more extrovert and so he really values the rare opportunity to spend quality one-on-one time with you on the walk to school