Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

@OverheardBreakup try to reach for the feistiness and directness that you show on this thread into your interactions in RL!

What about: “No, please don’t give your son false hope by encouraging this. We will be walking alone. Boundaries are also important to learn. Thanks for your understanding”.

Edit: actually I think this is better: “No, please don’t do this. We will be walking alone and have our personal reasons for this. Boundaries are also important to learn. Thanks for your understanding.”

As someone pointed out, five year olds’ friendships change rapidly, and they may be best friends tomorrow so it’s worth not upsetting the mum.

This is an insane response

The mother would likely just show friends and her husband and have a right laugh about it

Well, it is.
He’ll have to learn to exist peacefully alongside Simon (and others he doesn’t like) during school hours, whether you like it or not.

Because people who show such little respect or courtesy for the needs or wishes of other fully grown adults are unlikely to be showing any real respect to children.

What will Simon need to do?

So Simon isn't really called Simon - because his identity needs to be changed in case someone works out who he is from the post but the mums response gets posted on here?

I bet when the mum posted that reply she didn't think it was going online for a bunch of strangers to pull to bits.

? Poster said ‘if it’s a walk across the playground…’. It’s not? As was established 10 pages ago

I reckon @OverheardBreakup will collect her son this afternoon…. And he will be plead for Simon to come back for a play date because as of today - “he is now my best friend on the planet”!

if anything like the ebb and flow of friendships I recall my kids had in primary

I bet when the OP started nice walking routines with her son she didn't expect for them to be hijacked by a woman who can't accept no for an answer.

It isn't horrible to put your child's feelings before someone else's child's feelings. That's exactly what Simon's mum is doing too.

Simon's mum doesn't even need to put Simon in breakfast club. She's created her own issue and now expects someone else's 5 year old to solve it for her.

It’s literally not a walk through the playground. This is the walk to school, through a public park, during this boy’s personal time. Not during school time and not on school grounds. So why are you insisting that he must learn to walk to school with this kid?

They do get on ok in school, OP says her son plays with him even though he isn’t really a friend. He gets on with it during school hours and is perfectly polite and friendly. Why are you insisting that he also needs to spend his free outside school time with this kid?

Wow. This is so manipulative of her. How dare she tell you how to parent your child and 'teach him to compromise'?!

They're not besties. Nor buddies. Maybe it's time to be really blunt and say that, and any more comeback after that needs to be raised with the head, because it's then bordering on harassment.

It doesn't matter if they are besties by the end of term. This poor kid wants the one on one time with his mum, on the rare occasion when his little brother isn't there!

I really don't recognise some of these descriptions of childhood friendships. My daughter doesn't change her friends like the wind and never has done. She's almost 11 and her best friend from primary one (who was also a friend in nursery) is still in her friend group. There's never yet been anyone she hasn't liked that is now a friend, and certainly not a best friend.

Oof, what a reply. Honestly I’d go with something along the lines of “I appreciate that you’re trying to do what’s best for your son, but I also think that it’s important to teach kids that it’s okay to hold boundaries when something is making them uncomfortable. I’m sorry that Simon will be disappointed, but unfortunately I’m not willing to move on this when it’s making my child unhappy. I’m sure you understand. Really hope you manage to find something that works for you guys.”

I’m all for kindness, but she is just trying to railroad you into prioritizing her son’s needs over yours. It’s sad that the boys don’t feel the same way about each other, but she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that her kid’s feelings matter more.

OP also changed some details of the message. Which was made clear.

Jesus !!

they are not besties and I think you need to make that clear to her

compromise to who ? Her son. He gets what he wants and yours doesn’t

stay firm. Say no to her. That he will have to find someone else to walk in

not sure why she uses breakfasts club if she doesn’t work

can’t he just go in to school and one classroom at normal time

At this point I'd go with...

I feel it's more important for my son at this stage in his development to learn that he has full autonomy when choosing his friends. With that in mind, I now consider this matter closed. Thanks for your understanding.

Because fuck her and her passive aggressive, controlling bullshit.

It isn't during school hours.

Simon will have to learn that he can't demand who he walks to school with.

Wow! So much guilt tripping.

I'd reply with something like, I'm sorry that Simon has read more into the few times we did walk into breakfast club together and imagined this being a permanent situation. It was sweet of him to write the card it doesn't change the situation that DS has expressed that he would like to go back to walking in just with myself. I understand your predicament as it is difficult when your child doesn't want to go into breakfast club/school but I don't think any of the compromises would be fair on either child. It is unfair to Simon to give him false hope that DS will continue to be his breakfast club buddy and it would be unfair on DS to make him continue being Simon's buddy when it is making him unhappy and not want to go to breakfast club.
I would take it as a positive that having a buddy has made Simon feel able to go into breakfast club and I hope that you are able to find another solution but just to be absolutely clear we will not continue walking with you.

No one likes to think that their child is upset but you really can't avoid all things that upset others and it's important to teach kids that just because you want someone to do something with you doesn't mean they have too.

If you’d bothered to read she said she’d changed a few details but that message was the gist of what she said.

That is correct. But this is not during school hours.

This is during the walk to school where a little boy has been enjoying some one on one time with his mum that is a special part of their relationship with each other. And the only reason it was interrupted was because another mum wanted to interrupt it for her own child's benefit.

If Simon's mum hadn't been looking to make getting Simon into breakfast club easier, then there would have been no expectation for the OP to change their morning routine. Amd I'm baffled, frankly, that anyone thinks they should!

Sounds like that’s something Simon is struggling to grasp, rather than OP’s son.

Existing peacefully alongside Simon doesn’t require him to socialize with him as a friend.

Jesus. Some of these responses.

OP, if this mum has decided that compromise is such a good skill for children to learn she can help her son to understand that the compromise here is that he can try and play with X during breakfast club, but X would rather not walk in with him.

it’s such a tricky spot to be in.
my neighbour has a child who has recently started at my sons school. They have to walk past my house to get to school, and by default we ended up walking in together a few days a week, as we were leaving at the same time, and then walking home with the kids.
I've started hanging on at home for a few mins more than I normally would every now and then just to give us a bit of space 🤣