Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Why can’t the other kid suck it up that he can’t walk with OPs kid?

then she can also read the replies

This sounds the best.

Hi, thanks for your reply. We will be walking in on our own as we always have done so we can't really help further. Thanks, Simon's mum

Don't respond to her entrapment. It's a bit nuclear to say in writing that the boys aren't friends but if they're not in earshot, I would be tempted to point that out if speaking in person.

This

And the overwhelming evidence that 98% of people thinks she’s being unreasonable!

I'd ring her up, tell her your son is not happy walking with her son and that, sorry, she needs to find someone else's child to accompany him as yours will be continuing to walk into school with you, and with no other accompanying child. She could kick off all she liked with me - she's just showing herself up to other parents. If you can't be honest with her, then you'll have the problem if finding various ways to avoid them. Why make life hard? Bite the bullet.

Honestly, I would ignore her message. Or reply "I am sure you will find a way to settle Simon in to breakfast club. DS and I like our routine."

Fuck it, I hate emotional blackmail and twee messages from other parents (normally mums) expecting you to sort out daft problems they have created.

If is there, loitering about in the park next time, juat keep talking to your son, pass then by with a cheery wave and carry on to school. She can trot behind you all she likes, but you are walking to school, not facilitating her son's transition to breakfast club.

I refuse to upset my child just to keep someone else's child happy. If your DS is upset about having to spend time with Simon, that is totally fine. He doesn't have to. I would let breakfast club know that they shouldn't feel obliged to make your DS sit or play with Simon.

OP also be aware that DS & Simon could decide to be besties in the summer term. kids are funny like that which is why as parent we have to learn how to support our DC to assert themseves, without getting invovled in the playground disputes ourselves.

I think either of @Amber198's replies would work. Definitely don't be sugarcoating any more as this woman cannot take a hint. A clear and simple: "We won't be doing that, as I've explained."
And if any more is needed:
"To be clear, Simon has been quite rough with DS on occasions and DS doesn't feel the same way in terms of besties. Hope you understand now. All the best."

This. There's no point dancing around it - via lots of what's app chat messages. Say it on the phone or face to face and then draw a line under it

I wouldn’t ignore her message as she will probably just assume you are agreeing to go along with her!

I would send a polite but clear response - leaving no room for any comeback.

I agree with this.
The woman's not oblivious at all, she just wants to get her way because she's trying to avoid dealing with her child's emotions.

I'd be tempted to take up rollerblading or cycling in and see if they jog behind you.

She is insufferable. I would be beyond irritated. My child was a fragile soul and I can imagine them being like the head’s child. But no way would I impose on anyone. And I would get the hint immediately.

OP, you are completely right and I support everything you have done. Your son is your priority. He’s only five and needs you to advocate for him.

By this stage I would be extremely annoyed and either ignore or just reply, ‘sorry that won’t work for us.l’ Ridiculous, including those turning against you on this post. Five is so young and he needs your support. .

in the morning, I am in my own world anyway and don’t want anybody relying on me. I would be so irritated to see somebody waiting for me on a path every day. Ugh.

She's trying to make this your problem. PPs have some good suggestions for wording. Good luck.

What in the world of fuckery is going on in this woman’s head?!

”Hi, no we’ll be walking by ourselves.”

As blunt as that. She’s not accepting you saying no politely. So stop being polite now.

Your message included two 'sorry's, reasoning to explain your wishes, and a suggestion for her explore. This gave her too many opportunities to respond to. PPs who suggested being blunt, making one point only, without apologising, and not discussing alternatives were right. 'We will be walking alone as that works for us' on stuck-record loop.

I do agree that it can be useful as a parent - especially with younger children - to step back and look big picture. It is all too easy to get embroiled in things that simply blow over.

Obviously rough behaviour or bullying is a different issue.

OP you are saying that you are helping set your sons boundaries - you seem to be struggling to set your own

I would keep it very simple and just say to Simon’s mother that you have found yourself in a similar situation to her and that now it is your son who no longer wants to go in in the mornings and you want to revert to your original schedule.
I would be brief, bright and breezy and not engage any further explanations.
You have right on your side take strength from that.
Good luck!

I really would just reply with,
“No, DS doesn’t want to and this really isn’t something he needs to compromise over as his walk to school really is his own time with me.”

I wouldn’t be getting involved in any further discussing and I’d ignore all the nonsense guilt tripping.

Let's just hope the OP's son won't need anyone else to be kind to him in his later school years because clearly there are loads of completely horrible people out there who will have zero empathy.

I agree with @Thanksforyourlackofthought and other similarly short and definite responses. Either a short, definite response or don’t respond. Don’t get into a long text exchange and don’t engage with the emotion as she is trying to guilt you.

I might be inclined to change the routine tomorrow so if she is expecting the usual walk in to steamroller you, the opportunity isn’t there. When you do see her I’d be polite and brisk and I would shut down face to face discussion about it, ‘we’ve already discussed that’.

This is no longer you're issue, you've done your part and she needs to accept the situation for what it is. My daughter is a social butterfly so friendly with everyone but she's also a firecracker when pushed. My son in primary school was the opposite and has additional needs, he didn't recognise bullying behaviour, struggled with social cues and thought everyone was his friend. Because he didn't recognise he was being bullied it affected his self esteem. It sounds like Simon has been struggling to establish friendships at school so his mother is becoming desperate but that's not your responsibility. My son had a small number of friends in primary, it is hard to sit back but he was happy with those specific friends and it was reciprocated. Don't ever feel forced to do something you're not comfortable doing. Your son is a credit to you for reaching out.

I think you need to be more direct. I'm in total agreement with you, I wouldn't put up with this at all. My youngest is in reception and we've had issues with the same child, similar sort of behaviour, very boisterous, scratching, pushing, generally being unkind. I messaged the teacher a couple of weeks ago and requested where possible he is kept away from my son as I don't think he should have to put up with this everyday. When your children are only little sometimes you do have to step in and be assertive, my children are taught to be kind, but if someone else behaves in a way that makes them unhappy or uncomfortable it is totally fine to say you don't want to play with them. Other children's feelings/needs don't come before their own.

I'd be sending a very direct message now, that says you aren't looking to compromise on this. You don't need to be rude, just more assertive, don't apologise like you have done something wrong either.