Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Thinking about it I am not sure I would reply at all.

I would just reply with a big THUMBS UP.

''I'm sorry that Simon will be sad but as I've previously stated, going back to our previous routine is what works best for us. Thanks for understanding''

I wouldn't respond to any further objections.

I would reply

hi thanks for getting back to me! It is really tricky and it’s hard when your child doesn’t want to go in. The change of routine is upsetting for X and I get that Simon might want to walk in with him but my child has come to me and I’m sure you understand I need to do what’s best for him. I need to show him he can assert boundaries which is an important life skill as I’m sure you will understand. I hope Simon can find another friend to walk in with moving forward x

Oh sorry- I’ve just seen your update! Wow! This woman is trying to manipulate you.

Reply! " That doesn't work for us I'm afraid" simple clear. I would block personally

Some of these suggested replies are overly wordy.

The OP was clear in her first message about why it wasn't working for them. Simon's mum is trying to manipulate her.

It doesn't need anything more than something along the lines of

"Thanks for your reply but we won't be doing that 🙂"

Jesus CHRIST, she's a piece of work!

I think my response would be:

"Dear X's mum

I have been as polite as I can and have absolutely no desire to fall out over this, but I have been very clear that we will be walking by ourselves going forward and that is what we will be doing. Best of luck."

If anything came back from her I would be upping the ante by directly saying "please do not contact me about this again," do that she is very clear that if it continues it will be straying into harrassment.

I would want to say a while load other things about life skills it's important for adults to learn but in the context you're working within, probably best not!

Honestly, unbelievable!

Look I've tried to be polite, there is nothing to compromise, I am continuing with my previous routine as it works for my family. You need to find one that works for you without my child involved.

Or just say that's nice im going back to my previous routine, so dont be offended when I blank you tomorrow

Hi Simons Mum,
Thanks for your message. As I have already explained, that won't work for us.
Hope you have a great weekend.

I can sympathise - My DC was at a tiny village primary with the Heads DD and another teachers DD. Utter nightmare as the head really tried to exert power over friendships

So if you both have to walk across the park to get to the same place at the same time is t mind of inevitable that you are going to be in the same place at the same time ?
The uration is how do you want Simon's mum to handle that situation I assume you and your son just want to continue your walk to breakfast club just chatting to each other ? So do you want mum to tell Simon to stay with her and not approach or acknowledge you and your little one ?
I'd suggest that you dont want to upset her son or yours and you think the near thing for the time being is to avoid each other on the school run ,,by one of you leaving 5 mins earlier or later as that's what works for you and she can explain it to her so in a age appropriate sugar coated way .

She is bonkers, OP! I feel angry on your behalf.

Her child's happiness is not more important than your child's happiness. Well done for being an advocate for your DS.

I had a similar issue when my DS was in reception (many years ago now). I felt sorry for the other, emotionally needy child (who constantly wanted to be with my DS), so adopted the 'be kind' approach, and my DS started refusing school as he just found the pressure overwhelming. In the end I had to assert my DS' right to be left alone by the other child if he wanted to be left alone. Teachers had to get involved to help sort it. It was sorted in the end, but I regret not having intervened earlier, before my DS became so unhappy.

The other mum needs to help her son understand that he can't control other people's behaviour just because he wants to. He needs to learn other ways of coping.

It isn't identifying at all. What's the issue?

Insane is an over used mental health slur as far as I'm aware - same with nuts - and used too often on these boards in my view when people disagree with someone

Simons mum could also be on the boards.

It sounds as if she’s getting desperate, maybe she’s tried all the other mums. I wouldn’t be wordy back, just a short, brusque ‘no, that won’t be happening’.

I think it's ok to tell her she is making this awkward.

So? What difference does that make since OP has already posted the thread and if Simon's mum is here, she will already realise it's about her anyway.

It's not like she posted an actual screenshot of the message which is what some OP's do.

Following the update, she sounds like an unhinged manipulative weirdo to be frank with zero self awareness. Perhaps she thinks because her husband is the headteacher, she can rule the roost in some way? If she doesn’t work, why does her child even need to attend breakfast club more to the point… She admits it makes him upset but he clearly doesn’t need to go so why is she taking up the space there?

You have to be firm otherwise she’ll continuously take the piss. Just tell her in no uncertain terms will you be compromising, your DS is unhappy with the current set-up and his happiness is most important to you. Suggest again she find someone else to latch onto.

'This time is really precious to us, for a variety of reasons, so I want to protect that 1:1 time as much as possible, I know you understand and will give us space'. I'd try one last time at the politely vague response. If that didn't work, I would follow up with 'Perhaps I wasn't being clear enough, I don't want our 1:1 time to be interrupted, it was never my intention to offend, but this is important' .

At least your kid is polite, one of mine would have said 'why are they here?' to them.

This would piss me right off. Simon’s mum should not be guilt tripping you or your son like this.

Why on earth would anyone want their child to hang out with someone who clearly doesn’t want them there?

I think the line to take is “Unfortunately DS can’t be persuaded, this is important to him and I don’t think compromise is right in this instance. I’m sorry Simon struggles to go in without a buddy, maybe [Senco name] would have some suggestions, I’m sure she will have seen difficulties settling before.”

I agree with a PP though that it is inevitable that sometimes you will end up in the park at the same time. You can’t stop her waiting for you and you can’t stop Simon trying to talk to your DS. So maybe come up with some strategies for what to do if that happens. (Not an easy one to solve).

Reply "no that doesnt work for us".

No "sorry" and don't be sucked in by her manipulations.

I love that you and your DS have these small moments each morning - they can be rare when you have more than one child. They don't last forever and are worth protecting while they do.

OP, if I were you, I wouldn’t respond to that message at all, neither with a message nor face to face. You have already stated your position clearly.
She’s trying to pull rank and thinks she can get away with it.
Don’t engage any more.

I would use half term to think about how you can possibly change your morning routine so as to avoid them latching on to you. Eg, park elsewhere. I know you shouldn’t have to but it may work in the short term until Simon has become used to switching to somebody else.

Actions speak louder than words.
Simon (and his mum) can then find somebody else to boss about to make them feel better. And eventually, you can go back to normal.

Things change very quickly with five year olds throughout the school year as they develop and become more confident.
Hopefully it will blow over by Easter.
But speak to the teacher if your DS continues to complain about rough play.

"No. I want too proceed as per my text. I'm sure you can explain to Simon in an age appropriate way".

Good Lord, what a manipulative woman. Your son's instincts are good at the tender age of five.

What a shameless guilt trip! This isn’t OK from her. You’ve been polite but direct and she won’t take the message. Why are her child’s needs more important than yours?

“Unfortunately it is what it is. X has been upset by the lack of one on one time with me and the disruption to our morning routine and I don’t want to take that away from him. I understand compromise is a life skill, but so is speaking up for yourself and maintaining your boundaries. My son is simply not able to provide the emotional support your son would like. It’s so important to teach children that no means no, don’t you think?”