Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Totally agree with all of this - especially the assessment of the analogy.

And if it is a case of the child actually being rough, then that needs tackling directly.

Agree with this. Simon's mum is verging on trying to bully you both now, Op.

Well - you chose to have the dialogue via what's app - directed by people on here who said what they thought you should say. Maybe it would have been better done face to face

Where did I say that? You’ve taken what I wrote totally the wrong way. I suggested studiously blanking them 😂 not putting up with other people sends a strong message in itself.
Or the OP could get into a text war with a woman who 1) is described as volatile 2) has influence at school 3) is going to take umbrage at her son being perceived as some sort of bully. I like to give advice people would use in real life- doesn’t always make for entertaining updates though.

You're really twisting yourself into a pretzel to defend this mum. What about the content? Any thoughts?

Of course not.

5 is old enough to know that if you are rough with someone, they probably won't want to play with you though.

OP's son shouldn't have to pacify him in the way some pp's are suggesting. He shouldn't have to 'suck it up' at all and Simon's mother can't use another child to solve an issue with her child, especially when the child is unwilling.

I do think it's important for kids to learn to compromise even at this age - such an important life skill! Let me know what works best for you'

She's despicable.

Tell her to her face that you and your son want your 'you time' and that's how it will be.
And tell her to teach Simon how to compromise- that means not getting your own way all the time!

You are allowing yourself to be bullied.
Maybe that's also what she's teaching her son?

I personally wouldn't have posted the response on here. That was a private message - don't think the Internet needed to see it

Just No.
Why isn't Simons mum teaching him not to force a new routine on OP and her DS.
OP has a routine she is happy with it. She shouldn't have to change to make another parents life easier.
No child should be used as another child's support person.

Your reply to her latest message:
I’m really sorry but I need to be honest with you. DS has actually said that he isn’t friends with Simon at school and has actually had a few experiences with Simon where he finds him rough to play with and is a little intimidating. It’s a shame that Simon seems so attached but unfortunately my son doesn’t see the friendship in the same way so it’s probably for the best if you and Simon find someone else for him to walk to school with.

Jesus fucking wept. All this 'be kind' and 'compromise' is one way only. Fucking hell. She's obviously trying to do the best for her son but she is completely overstepping and over-involved.

We can't force children to be friends with other children, it's the most basic thing going that they get to choose their own friends.

Wow OP she’s unhinged and a bully herself sadly there’s only one way you can deal with bonkers like this and it’s to be blunt shy of basically saying Fuck off , burn the bridge you owe her nothing or her child look after your own sons wellbeing and happiness and don’t be gaslit into protecting this woman’s feelings and that of her own child if she’s hasn’t got the message loud and clear after being very blunt leave us alone I would arrange a face to face meeting with her DH and the assistant head and explain that while you were happy to help it had a knock on affect to your own child’s happiness and wellbeing and now feel you have been ignored and bullied into this.

Don't fall off your high horse.

OP said she'd changed it to avoid identification.

Surely the OP can write what she wants to say herself without people on here doing it for her

Simple text:

I'm sorry Simon's upset but DS doesn't want to walk in with him and I'm not going to force him to. There have been issues at playtime that means my DS doesn't see Simon as a friend in the same way. It's an important life skill to know that you don't get on with everyone and that's okay. Maybe you could explain that to Simon.

She can't just use your son as a method to get her kid into breakfast club, good grief, they aren't even friends!

Wow, that’s some reply.

’Hi, totally understand it’s tricky for you both just now but I have to listen to X and what he wants and needs at the moment. I’m sure you understand. Hope you can find a solution that works for you both! Take care.’

Followed with ‘I don’t really want to have any further discussion about this- I’m sure you understand that kids cannot be forced into friendships. Take care’

Of course it's fine to disagree. You asked why people were calling it insane though.

And that's the reason.

You do know people post on MN to get help with wording messages they not sure how to write themselves?

This poster just doesn't like that she's been on the wrong side of the argument as evidenced by this incredibly manipulative and patronising reply from the mum.

“No sorry, it is just not working for us. I have to prioritise getting my son to BC without getting upset, as I then have a very tight deadline to get to work. Any chance you and Simon can compromise here and find someone else?”

I honestly wouldn't explain any further via message. She's going to keep coming back with ideas and solutions. This kind of enforced involvement makes me feel nauseous and I would hate to have to deal with it, never mind make my kid deal with it.

"So, just to clarify... Because you don't want to make your DS do something he's uncomfortable with, your solution is for me to make my DS do something he's uncomfortable with instead? That doesn't sound much like compromise to me, and it explains a lot about differing parenting attitudes to boundaries and respect for others. Thanks for the heads up. The answer is still no."

Do not send this of course, but I hope it was as cathartic for you to read as it was for me to write

I really feel for you- this is unhinged! I find with people like this (who push boundaries they can clearly sense someone is trying to implement) you need to be incredibly direct. Unless she is daft, she knows fine well you don’t want to commit to walking in together but she’s pushing it anyway, hoping you won’t have the guts to push back.

It will be really uncomfortable but I think the only option is to be direct and deal with the tension for a while. Next time they are waiting a simple “Ah hi! I thought I told you not to wait for us anymore, we like to walk alone to get our mum/son time - have a good day!” and literally just bomb on. I would keep it light and brief. Hopefully she won’t physically chase you down the street! Even if she does you can just repeat yourself and walk on. This is a good opportunity to teach your son that some people push boundaries and it’s okay to stand your ground.