Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

This has been going on for a week. Not a year - a week. I'm not asking you to suck it up but what's going to happen if someone else your son doesn't like wants to play with him? Or wants to walk into breakfast club with him?

Being at primary school is hard and your son is probably going to meet other kids like Simon along the way

Or gets rough with him in the playground. The bigger issue is the other child's behaviour clearly - why has that not been addressed?

Just say directly to her face that you have a routine and you want to stick to it

Your son quite rightly wants to distance himself from Simon. Walking in together no doubt leads to breakfast then play together. Simon seeing him as a friend and looking for playtime and lunch together. You have done the right thing messaging mum.

Why should OP's son suck it up? If anyone needs to suck it up, it is Simon.

He won't be able to demand to walk with someone at work.

Suck it up, Simon.

I’m with you OP.
when DC started reception he joined from school nursery. He was joined in his class from a friend from elsewhere who hadn’t been in school nursery. Friend was so excited about DC being there he would wait by the door for DC to arrive in the morning and start talking literally before DC could take his coat of, get himself ready for the day- we couldn’t change our timings as we had more than one child to drop. DC liked the friend but couldn’t cope with arriving this way, so I had to speak to the teacher who was able to engineer the arrival and also kept and I on the friendship, by having them in separate working groups etc. worked a great and saved the friendship - they stayed close friends until year 10 when they have naturally drifted. Have a word with breakfast club to see if they can keep an eye on the dynamic, I think it is reasonable to advocate for a child of this age navigating socialisation and helps with boundaries.

Why are people always written off as insane or nuts for having a different view on something

A week from a five-year-old's perception might as well be a year!

Ok so I have a reply to my message. I'm sort of opened mouth.

'Oh bless him! Simon will be so sad, he's been calling them the Morning Besties. Simon's already said he's going to make X a card to say thanks for walking in together. I'm a bit heartbroken for him as he's said he won't go in with anyone else so this leaves me with quite an issue! I'm not sure how I'm going to explain to him that he can't walk in with his buddy anymore without him being devastated. Is there anyway we could meet you midway at the park playground and carry on together from there? Or we could hang back further? I do think it's important for kids to learn to compromise even at this age - such an important life skill! Let me know what works best for you'

(I have tweaked some of it slightly as identifying but this is essentially what she said)

Id text back

Dear Simons mum

Here is the thing, I didn't want to say but My dc is having a few issues with going into breakfast club and ive tried to beat about the bush. Could you stop waiting for us as its making going into breakfast club so difficult for my dc - Im know you'll understand as you have had the very same problems with Simon. Thanks so much.

They are both five years old. Do five year old kids always make the best decisions at school?

It doesn’t matter how long it has been going on because the son has spoken to his mum and effectively asked for her to help make it stop

when dd was 3 and old man stopped me in the street for a chat. I was polite but I needed to be somewhere and I was doing the typical ‘be kind’ but at my own expense. Once we extracted ourselves DD said to me ‘I thought we weren’t supposed to speak to strangers’ and I realised I had just modelled really bad behaviour!!!

I suppose because it doesn't make much sense to a lot of people that you'd prioritise another child's comfort and happiness over your own.

The other mum is prioritising her own child and not bothered about the impact on the OP's son and some posters are expecting her to do the same.

So Simon has two adults advocating for him and the OP's son has none?

This is utterly wrong.

There is no need to 'understand' Simon.

It's enough that her son doesn't like him.

It's not Simon who is the bad guy here- it's his mum.
She is not 'oblivious' to what she is doing. She knows damn well what she is doing. Latching onto a parent who she thinks can help solve her own parenting issue.

FWIW I have spent a long time as a teacher. I'd say you never ever force a child to be friends with another child.

At 5, this child is far too young to understand the concept of walking to breakfast club is fine but he doesn't need to be best friends with him.

That's an adult concept requiring emotional intelligence far beyond a child of 5.

Exactly this. I also don't really understand how you can AVOID bumping into people walking into school - surely there are loads of people walking in? You can't pick and choose who you bump into forever?

And agreed that the bigger issue is Simon's behaviour - although I never had any idea about the level of detail that OP reports, so maybe I am just a largely uninterested mother...

Oh dear.

I think you need to be a bit harsh

‘whilst I agree kids need to learn to compromise I also think they need to learn to assert their boundaries. I’m sorry Simon will be upset but perhaps the lesson should be that we respect our friends boundaries’

well phrased better but her message is nuts

Sorry what? That's the last thing I would send. Why can't people say things face to face? Why does the delivery need to be on what's app and why do complete strangers on here need to write the message?

UGH, it’s not that great an analogy because this is not a random stranger. It would be more like if you got the same bus as your colleague and ignored them. For an adult that’s a bit pathetic.

Now, we’re talking about a young child so the needs are a bit different. Firstly your child says this other child is rough in the playground, you need to speak to the staff about that. Secondly if your son doesn’t want to walk with them then you tell the mum, clearly, but you can’t stop her being in a public place and taking a similar route. You may just have to teach your son to suck it up, and have 6 minutes of chat at another time of day.

This is bollocks.

It's written by her to tug at your heart strings.

She's a bully.

I'd reply with briefly with a 'Sorry but I want to stick with what we did before and it suits my son best. I'm sure you understand that.'

There are people who have been supportive of the Op. It's fine to disagree in my view

Well she's actually being manipulative now.

Simon needs to learn that sometimes getting on with things IS tough and mummy can't rearrange the world for him.

Where safety is an issue, of course parents step in. But too many children are being taught they can landscape things to their preference.

No - it’s as if your colleague got the same bus and you decided to get the one after in future and then the colleague changed too once they realised

because the messages so far have been on WhatsApp and op doesn't have to send it if she doesn't want to

A 5 year old child doesn't have to 'suck it up' (what a revolting term).

I'd not message at all. I'd talk to her at the school gate.
Face to face is better than a screen message.

Having read the latest update, I retract all my previous posts because this woman just sounds completely unhinged and probably needs some sort of paid employment. I'd have no problem with Simon but his mother is beyond redemption.

Why is all this kindness only one way? The wee boy doesn't WANT to hang about Simon.