Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Yeah, or you can just say, no, I’m not doing this, and have a nice life.

He is not this boy’s emotional support person, as PP said. You don’t have to be forced to play with rough kids because their mum wants it.

But what if he's lonely..?

why is Simon in breakfast club if his mother doesn’t work?

It's nothing at all like some man on a bus sitting next to you every day!

It's like sitting next to the annoying office bellend at work. Well, that's life. You have to suck it up.

I think you have a few options.

The first is that your son and Simon don't get on once they are beyond the school gate and breakfast.
Your son doesn't like Simon.

I think you have to be blunt and tell this mum that your son wants to walk into school with you and no one else.

If they wait for you at the gate, I'd suggest you say Hi and then breezily walk on, ignoring Simon.

If she follows you, I'd stop and say in a very direct but friendly way that your son wants to walk in with you , alone.

If she persists, I'd repeat this every time.

Don't start thinking she will somehow do something via the head (her H) to make life harder for your son.

Nope, it's like being able to avoid the office bell end at work but then he decides as you live near each other you can walk to work together each day and he starts walking alongside you chatting bollox.

But that's life right? Just suck it up

No, them waiting at the start of the footpath and complaining when they are "late" is like when you hot desk and someone always sits next to you, so you go in later to make sure you choose a desk on the other side of the room and they move anyway.

No, it’s like the office bellend at work who you already have to put up with, starting to sit next to you and chat to you on the bus every day too.

@OverheardBreakup people are bonkers. Yoir son has a great relationship on that he’s told you and sees you advocating for him. Of course you don’t override his discomfort and teach him to accept things. That’s what abusers bank on. The sitting on the bus analogy is a good thing. I pass everything through the work filter. If someone did this at work, or said something to you or hit you what would happen?

The point is an adult can suck things up or not.
Your son is a child still and you are his cheer leader.

Tell this blasted woman that your son wants to walk in with you only.
If she persists, you will have to be very blunt and say 'look, this is upsetting my son so I'd be grateful if you'd step back and not join us on the walk into school.'

That poster was right.

You often don't have a choice in who you work with or sit next to at work. Just as you don't in school. And you do have to suck that up.

But you do have a choice in who you travel to and from work and spend your time outside work with. Just as OP's son should have when travelling to school. And you don't have to suck it up when someone encroaches on that.

I have a year 1 child and I can't imagine any of the parents in their class behaving like this!
I think you probably will have to be pretty blunt with her as she will finding any little nugget to twist what you say into "oh I still think it's best they go in together"

We walk to school in the same direction as quite a few other kids in her class/school. If we see someone from her class ahead/behind us I ask if she wants to walk with them. If she does we catch up/wait for them. If they greet her warmly we walk together, if they don't, we say hello, see you at school and continue on our own.

It's never too early to learn about enthusiastic consent. They were taught in reception about saying "no thank you" if someone asked them to play and they didn't want to but since I've had my second we have been working in picking up cues (currently not very subtle cues) that mean the baby doesn't want cuddles... Things like crying and trying to roll away. We talk about kids at school too. If you go over to a child and want to walk/play with them and they are actively engaging with you great but if they don't engage it and they don't want to walk/ with you that's ok, be friendly, polite and give them space.

The replies on here are nuts! He is 5 for th love of god. He wants time with his mum, doesn’t like this kid and just wants to go back to the old routine. Why on earth are people saying he should just suck it up and get on when he’s only 5!

There’s plenty of time for him to learn these life lessons when he’s old enough but not at this age.

Well done OP you’ve shown your son you listened to his concerns and are going to do what you can to resolve this. Exactly what a parent should do. Really hope the other mum gets the message.

Is someone at MNHQ paying you to be a goady wind-up?!! Of course it's not the same as being stuck next to a colleague every day.

Yep, even teachers will do this at times, probably for an easier time.

Around the same age as OP’s , DC2 was constantly put next to the disruptive kid, as the disruptive kid decided he liked him. All the other parents had been in to complain. I hadn’t complained, as like others on the thread, I thought DC should be able to learn to handle it, and I was friends with the parent and felt a bit sorry for her as she would acknowledge they were having difficulties with him. Unfortunately instead, he was put next to the child all the time in class, told to be partners at lunch, and any class projects, and parents would ask if we’d do the same out of school clubs. My DC wanted to be friends with everyone, but the other child didn’t like this. So we had to complain too.

Unfortunately, you have to out boundaries in place, and hold them, or CF’s just push.

In the end, other children’s happiness is not your problem to solve. You are only responsible for your own child.

The only way to end the upset would be to pull your DS out of breakfast club. Given that you access the club using the same route and aim for the same time, you can’t avoid each other and can’t reasonably do anything about that. Doesn’t mean your son has to be friends or acknowledge the other kid. Keep to your own private chats and pace and it will soon become the new norm. I really don’t think you can be sending any texts explaining you and your son don’t want to include them and expect it to be taken on the chin, if she’s got form for kicking off. Just don’t include them. They will get that ‘message’ loud and clear and no potential for back and forth unpleasantness.

The only way to end the upset would be to pull your DS out of breakfast club. Given that you access the club using the same route and aim for the same time, you can’t avoid each other and can’t reasonably do anything about that. Doesn’t mean your son has to be friends or acknowledge the other kid. Keep to your own private chats and pace and it will soon become the new norm. I really don’t think you can be sending any texts explaining you and your son don’t want to include them and expect it to be taken on the chin, if she’s got form for kicking off. Just don’t include them. They will get that ‘message’ loud and clear and no potential for back and forth unpleasantness.

You know what- this mum sounds a bully.

It's my bet she thinks because she's the Head's wife she can impose her behaviour on other parents who won't dare cross her.

She is manipulative.

You've got to be crystal clear.

A loud 'Sorry- my son wants us to walk in by ourselves as before' is all you need.

If she persists waiting and trying to tag along you're going to have to spell it out to her again.

I think I would leave earlier and drive the gauntlet of the main road. Go when it's quieter to suss out parking.

It's easy for people to say do this and that and suck it up. But when you have a school mum cling on it can turn into pure stress.

So OP just gives in to this other mum who is a bully?
What lesson is that teaching her son?
That we all walk away when something we don't like occurs?

No.

If necessary OP has to say that in school, their sons are not friends, despite what Simon has said.

Simon may want to be friends, but that's not how it is.

So she needs to stick to her guns and say her son prefers things how they were.

Read the thread. OP times schooling around another child at nursery.

And even so why should she change her behaviour to accommodate a bully?

Oh gosh, that sounds like DS at nursery. A really lovely boy with SEN who was non verbal took a liking to DS who said he didn't mind playing with him. But when he became overwhelmed he would lash out and bite. Poor DS came home with several bite marks and when I asked what happened he said 'Jude' was a bit upset and bit him but that is was ok as he was still learning and DS just told the teacher after it happened. When I asked DS if he wanted to play with him he replied that the poor kid was often on his own so made an effort to play with him.

Wasn't the kids' fault but I had strong words with the nursery about how vigilant they must (not) have been to miss this happening.

I don't want him to be used again to his detriment

I think there are quite a few people like this mum out there and some of the insane responses you are getting prove that.

You're going to have to be blunt with her. And no doubt she will resort to some of the crap trotted out on this thread and behave as if you and your son not wanting to walk to breakfast club with a child he doesn't like and doesn't enjoy spending time with every morning, preferring to have one on one time with his mum, is some sort of moral failing and that your son has a duty to make Simon feel better... But she will be wrong just as these posters are. Your son has no choice about Simon being around in school, he does have a choice as to whether he spends time with Simon outside school.

Interesting that you say Simon is quite rough in the playground, as one of the reasons your son is not keen on him. I wonder if being the Heads son makes him think he’s above reproach? Or perhaps his oblivious entitled mother’s attitude rubbing off on him?
As pp have said, you can try being direct and saying it doesn’t work for you, but if she still refuses to get the message maybe saying something directly about why your son dislikes her son might be the way to go? I appreciate this could be incredibly uncomfortable, and I would be mortified in this situation, but if she’s so thick skinned you might have to pull out the big guns.
YANBU to prioritise your son’s preference here.

When I read the initial part of your post OP I was assuming you were going to describe a rough bully who has behavioural issues. I was surprised to read you were talking about the Head Teachers son who sounds boisterous & simply not a good friendship match with your son. It's a difficult situation.

The unfortunate aspect is it's extremely difficult to create a distance between children in the same class. They will inevitably be in the playground together, attend birthday parties together, do classroom activities & sport together. Whenever my children became involved in a situation where a pupil they didn't particularly like latched on to them, as long as the pupil wasn't a bully mentally or physically & especially if they were from a stable background which I presume is the situation with Simon, then I would do my utmost to change my child's perception. I'd try to get to know Simon & I'd try to make my child understand as long as he isn't being nasty towards him there is nothing wrong with walking with him to breakfast club & also make him understand that by doing this he doesn't have to be best friends with him. Eventually he might settle down & latch on to someone else.