"I'm failing in my duty as a middle class parent by not making DC play an instrument"

[ToothSmush]

This is what a friend said to me (in jest, but it has hit a nerve), when I said that the DC don't get any music lessons.

AIBU to not force the DC into playing an instrument?

This friend has different DC playing flute, guitar, drums etc and expressed suprise when I said I was being led by my DC. They haven't shown much interest in music but are mad keen on football so that is their main extra curricular activity.

Is it true that most middle class parents gently force their DC to play an instrument because of all the social advantages it brings?

Part of this is because I was forced to play the piano as a child, only doing grades - and hated having to play the same classical pieces for months at a time. I gave up as a teen, but ironically I have rediscovered the joy of the piano in middle age and now love trying to play music that I l actually like! I can only do this because I learnt the basics as a child.

So maybe I'm doing the DC a disservice by not forcing them?

Anecdotally I have noticed when looking at secondary schools (for DC1 a few years ago and DC2 more recently) there seems to be a huge push on learning a musical instrument. I've seen at least 10 schools and 8 of them had a noticeable focus on music (a few had brand new music labs / facilities) so I feel confident my children will have exposure and if they show a true interest or show aptitude then we can explore it.

Both learnt cello in primary (older for 2 years but younger child only had a year). Oldest is year 8 and learns violin (x2 lessons a week) but also has music tech (one lesson every second week) where they play keyboard.

Both have other paid extra curricular activities.

I did something similar with my children whilst they were at primary school. If they committed to something they had to see the term out.
At secondary school they had the opportunity to have lessons at school but had to commit to playing in the orchestra. They didn't want to do that so we sought alternative provision.
One DC had private lessons with the school teacher and worked through each grade to Grade 6. The other had lessons through the local music service and did every other grade up to Grade 8 - spending a term on playing for fun between each grade. They both attended clubs at the music service on a Saturday.
They also did sports and attended Scouts. Again, the had to see out any commitments that they made.

Some kids just aren’t musical and that’s fine. DD did a year of violin in primary (it was a prep school, taking up an instrument in Y4 was very much the norm & the school would support this with weekly private lessons & orchestra). She hated every minute of it! Quit after a year but decided to try guitar lessons when she got to secondary. Same story very quickly ensued. Her school enforced recorder lessons & exams from Y4 to Y9 which was another form of weekly dread. To be frank she just isn’t naturally gifted in the music department!

Loves drama though, did many years of performing arts alongside choir/vocal coaching so all is not lost. Each to their own

We moved into a nice neighbourhood with our first child - 9 months - our middle class neighbours invited us for welcome drinks and one of the first Qs was what instrument were we planning for our baby to play …. we were perplexed - but my husband replied ‘the spoons’ - which was appropriate as he was from a long established family in Stepney in East London.

i trained in classical guitar as a youngster and helped me with confidence and maths. Exh was a clarinet player.

DS totally uninterested and dyspraxia and I feel terrible that I made him to a term of guitar in year 7. He really struggled and hated it.

He’s done fine in life (also zero sporty).

HRTWT
i do think that if you don’t have all of your DC at at least Grade 6 in the tuba you are a fucking loser

All good middle class children must:

learn an instrument (or two) and get their grade 8
learn to play golf
learn to play tennis
and ski

Learning an instrument is good for you though - music and maths often go together and I think everyone should do music at school to at least 14 as well (though not be forced to do composing for GCSE music which was horrible).

As a former child who was very musical I would love to have a child who is. My oldest 2 weren’t that interested, so we tried but let it fall by the wayside. The youngest one is still at an age where she’s just starting to have lessons and I hope she’ll take to it, but I wouldn’t force it if she turns out to be not very into it.

I think with any activity like music, sport or whatever it’s a careful balance between encouraging persistence to the point where they can start to feel proud of improvement (which often encourages further effort), and recognising if it’s just not their thing. Kids do need to learn about commitment and effort, but without being forced to do something they really aren’t bothered about.

One of my children took to ice skating when she was 6. For several months I had to rise at 5am on weekends to take her to the rink for training. I remember asking the coach how you could tell if your kid was really into it or not and she said: you’ll know. If they don’t want to get up every week then they’re not sufficiently into it. Same thing with gymnastics do my youngest. The older one stopped ice skating but the younger one is still keen for gymnastics.

@Blueeberry Singing is enhanced by being able to read music though. It’s such a great skill to have.

There is no duty to arrange instrument lessons for middle-class children, let alone force them. I started to play the violin but stopped when my otherwise exemplary dad made 'jokey' remarks about the noise I was making. My DD was very enthusiastic about joining a choir at 7. I supported her and that led to various instrument lessons, Saturday music academy; and music A level.

Please don't force them. They will hate it. If they want go do it, they will love it. And no-one in the future is going to ask them in a drawing room 'Do play for us, Miss Broadbottom. Our instrument is one of the finest in the country.'

Two of mine did and two didn't. Not sure if that means I half did my duty.

DD has friends singing at her wedding. So you can get asked!

One of mine does quite literally have grade 6 tuba. Does that make me a winner, or just a person in need of a bigger car?

I’ve just passed a grade in an instrument and it was boring as fuck. Played the same stuff over and over for a year. Hasn’t put me off but I won’t do another grade again for a while. I can well imagine it putting off a lot of kids in the end.

You forgot sailing. They must all get their level 4 RYA certificate.

I do not have it in me to make my child practice an instrument. I introduced DS to the guitar when he was in primary - it completely fizzled out. When he went to secondary, he had a great Music teacher, asked to have piano lessons, and is now doing A-level Music and has an offer plus scholarship to study Music somewhere great. All his own doing. I honestly think if they love music it will come out one way or the other.

Definitely both!

This has been a wonderful thread, and I genuinely have enjoyed reading all the different opinions.

I am always intesested in a not insignificant minority who have these very prescriptive rules about extra curriculars, eg my child must choose at least one instrument, at least one sport, and at least one group activity, etc.
It's not the way I would do it, but I'm not saying it's wrong either. Some families just seem to thrive on loads of activities, I guess you know what suits your kids.

I think our family tends slightly towards being more introverted homebodies - so I need to be aware not to let us all slide into laziness.

It's all very well if your child seeks out all these hobbies themselves - but with boys especially I feel the draw of screens can take over everything. So I sometimes feel like gentle "forcing" (there's that word again!) is required to ensure the kids arn't always going for the easiest option.

I played cello throughout junior and first year of secondary. The lessons and cello hire were both free through the school. I gave up only because I was the last student still playing and didn’t want to be seen walking around with a huge instrument on my back.
I never really felt it gave me any kind of advantage other than being able to read music and felt horribly guilty for quitting.
my children were not interested in learning anything. One tried cello for a term and begged me to let her stop and my youngest just said no to everything.
However, when my youngest was picking GCSEs she chose music and the school offered to arrange piano lessons during school hours. She absolutely loved them and within a year was playing grade 5 pieces.
Rather than helping her academically, it’s been incredible for her mental health and seen her through some tough and lonely times. I’m actually glad I didn’t push her to play an instrument when she was younger as I don’t think she would have appreciated it the way she does now. It’s very much her thing and has nothing to do with me other than to just listen when she wants me to. I don’t nag her to practice or push her to take exams. I’ve never met her piano teacher or seen her play on an actual piano, just her keyboard at home.

I was once told by someone involved with University admissions that if an applicant could play the Cello they were in! Same for Viola as the orchestra was short of players.
Don't take any notice of anyone who said playing an instrument doesn't count!
(quite apart from what it indicates about a child's ability to learn).

Of course it's no good forcing a child to do it if they don't want to. You had an unfortunate experience as a child but many children are keen to learn - you do need to find a teacher with the right approach. Piano teachers work in isolation and there are plenty of bad piano teachers about! Maybe better to approach the local Music Centre if you did want to find musical opportunities for your child (but of course it will cost).

Well they don't do grades in DSs instrument
Golf is just shit.
Tennis is awful.
And we don't ski and as much as I'd love to, we aren't organised enough to arrange to go because we are too busy with other activities. Also I'm shit at falling over. Maybe next year.

Haven't read the full thread sorry.

I work in music education. My organisation (a very traditional and academic one) has been delivering music education including instrument tuition for years and years all over the country. We do not believe that every child should learn an instrument and that is not an objective of our work. We do believe that all children should have regular music making opportunities but this includes clapping, dancing, singing and digital music. Children who want to learn an instrument should be supported of course.

And learning an instrument should not be 'middle class' FFS.

CBSO Shireland is a state school run by Birmingham Symphony Orchestra opened a few years back. Its policy IS to ensure every pupil learns an instrument but I think they might be rowing back on that because it's not necessarily useful or achievable.

Golf is just shit.
Tennis is awful.

But is that your opinion or your DC’s?
You might have different preferences around sport.

I don’t think this is the case 90% of the time. Unless you want to specialize in western classical music at a high level. Or you want to be able to take out new scores of music and sight sing them in a group without knowing the song already (when is the score more accessible than the sound, and a group can not look at a score together nearly as easily as listen to a track together - so that never happens!)

in fact learning to read scores assiduously often suppresses your ability to truly listen, pick things up by ear, and hear the harmonies around you, or to improvise. It’s also a totally useless skill for any music beyond written traditions, which rely on ear, memory, improvisation.

I say this as someone highly trained to read music, who has never used this skill once since it stopped being my profession. By contrast, I can’t count the number of times I’ve wished I had the skills to join a good natured, improvised jamboree at some social event.

DD sight sings in her choir. Learning to read music is never a negative. She’s perfectly capable of listening. Like most things, you need to practice and often dc won’t. They give up.