"I'm failing in my duty as a middle class parent by not making DC play an instrument"

[ToothSmush]

This is what a friend said to me (in jest, but it has hit a nerve), when I said that the DC don't get any music lessons.

AIBU to not force the DC into playing an instrument?

This friend has different DC playing flute, guitar, drums etc and expressed suprise when I said I was being led by my DC. They haven't shown much interest in music but are mad keen on football so that is their main extra curricular activity.

Is it true that most middle class parents gently force their DC to play an instrument because of all the social advantages it brings?

Part of this is because I was forced to play the piano as a child, only doing grades - and hated having to play the same classical pieces for months at a time. I gave up as a teen, but ironically I have rediscovered the joy of the piano in middle age and now love trying to play music that I l actually like! I can only do this because I learnt the basics as a child.

So maybe I'm doing the DC a disservice by not forcing them?

I haven't been told this in direct terms, but have had people express similar sentiments over the years about my kids, none of whom have any interest/talent in music.

What instrument are they learning?
Oh music is SO important for life skills / university / social skills / self-discipline
We are such a musical family! (tinkly laugh)
Don't you feel they have such a gap in their learning?

etc etc etc. There is a real snobbery in some people around music, in a way there isn't with other extra-curriculars like drama or sport.

Blimey I am a huge supporter of music and think that not enough children are given the opportunity to play- when I was at school everyone had the opportunity learn for free

but no you’re not doing a disservice to your kids if they show no interest.
both of mine did and do play but I’d say 10% of their peers at best play an instrument - this is a leafy MC area (up north)

you would be doing them a disservice if you didn’t let them do the hobbies they wanted to pursue, unless of course you couldn’t afford it or it wasn’t practical

I have two DC who play instruments and get a lot of enjoyment from it and one who tried and didn't like it. Mine all play team sports as well so it doesn't need to be either/or.

YABU for using the word "forcing" so many times in your OP. You don't need to force him, just let him try and see how he gets on.

I am failing with you but we aren’t very musical as a family and prefer sports so do a lot of those instead. DC1 is a drama bod so has to sing sometimes, perhaps his voice could be considered an instrument?

What social advantages does playing the flute bring? Absolutely fuck all 😂

My eldest won’t join any clubs of any sort, it’s a shame but you can only give them options. I don’t believe in forcing them to do activities

DD does play two instruments - she consistently asked for lessons. She's good at it (over grade 5 on both). It's still an enormous effort to get her to practise, and I regularly check with her that this is something she wants to do. There is no way I would be forcing her - it would be torture for both of us.

YABU for using the word "forcing" so many times in your OP. You don't need to force him, just let him try and see how he gets on.

I agree with this.

OP, you said they don't have much interest in music, but how much exposure have they had to different instruments? If it's never been introduced as an option then it's unlikely they will show an interest. 🤷‍♀️

The only instrument that brings many social advantages is the guitar, it can be used to impress the opposite sex or lead friends in drunken singalongs. If you tell them that maybe they’ll be interested.

The obsession with instruments feels a bit of a Jane Austen relic where this is how accomplished ladies filled their days, and showed how accomplished they were. If they enjoy it and it gives them social opportunities like playing in an orchestra, brilliant, if they have no interest then I really cannot see how it is a problem.

There are many good reasons to play an instrument for brain development and learning discipline blah blah blah. However I can tell you as a piano teacher that I have no interest in teaching kids just because that's what you do as a middle class kid.
I could feel guilty that my kids don't do sport but we're a musical family not sporty. Ignore your friend!

Mine didn't. I had to and loathed it

Ths option was there they didnt take it up, I dont parent by social media or what friends think

I am a musician, I think it’s a great skill to have if you have an actual interest in it!

I think a lot of kids are pushed into it and I agree that playing classical pieces you have zero passion for can be soul destroying! Playing music is a joy, IF you are playing music that really speaks to you.

Becoming a proficient musician takes a LOT of time, practice and dedication which is something that most young kids just don’t have the patience for and it’s supposed to be fun and enjoyable.

perhaps revisit it when they’re older. But if it’s not their passion that’s completely fair enough. Just ignore the other parents. People are always trying to get one up on each other these days.

Yes, middle class kids are pushed to play instruments whether they are interested or not.

It's part of the idea that they need to be "well rounded" to get into good schools and universities.

If there's ever a plague of rats to entice away from the village, they'll be in demand!

No of course you should not "force" them.

If they are keen, it is a great thing to do.

My 3 DDs all learned instruments to a high standard, had talent and found it hugely rewarding.

You could float the idea but if they show no inclination, just leave it.

If they develop an interest later, it can be reconsidered then

Shit, I’d forgotten about the rats. Better get the kids signed up.

I can assure you that, unless actually studying music, universities have precisely zero interest in your grade eight viola.

I have just picked up piano again as an adult and I'm really loving it. I think it's good for sporty people to have additional hobbies they can do when they are inevitably injured 🤣

I think my mum got the balance right, she encouraged us to try instrument(s) and if we committed we had to finish the term, but she didn't force us to keep going if we didn't enjoy it. I did a few grades but didn't really enjoy them. My brother dabbled a bit in guitar but wasn't too keen really so gave up.

I have two children who play an instrument and play a team sport at a high level so it doesn’t have to be either/or.
Having said that, if they have no interest whatsoever then it’s pointless as they won’t practice and therefore wont progress anyway.

I come from a family with a great interest in music and where learning instruments as children was seen as an enjoyable and natural thing to do. And I've always been an advocate of all children who want to learn musical instruments having free access to the opportunity to do so.

So to me it's quite sad to think that a child has no interest in learning to play an instrument. But I see absolutely no point in making a child who has no interest take up a musical instrument: no pleasure for the child, frustrating for the teacher, and annoying for the parent having to insist on practice all the time.

Ours had to play an instrument through the end of primary. After that it was up to them. We didn’t care which instrument but they had to pick one just for the brain development.

What’s all this “forcing”? Surely we - to the extent we can afford to in terms of time and resources - expose our kids to a wide variety of things, including activities they don’t actively ask for as they don’t fully grasp what’s involved yet. some things they take to, some they don’t. But giving them a varied set of opportunities, exposures and experiences isn’t “forcing”. Remarkable number of times the word force appears in the OP.

It's true that universities don't care about grade 8 viola. But the qualities that helped the child achieve the grade 8, such as discipline and resilience, will be much more useful to them in future life than kids who spent that time playing on their phones.