To (keep) asking MIL to follow baby's routine?

[ridl14]

What things would you reasonably expect family doing childcare to keep to?

Sorry really trying not to drip feed so it's a bit long!

I've recently gone back to work part time. Didn't get to choose my days and DC's (excellent) nursery doesn't yet have space on one of my working days. So, I'm very aware MIL is doing us a huge favour (we almost had to put him in a second nursery just to cover this day). We were and are prepared to pay for childcare for this day and are on the waitlist so DC would be in one nursery all my work days.

She is very happy to have this day doing childcare and is generally great - happy to go out for a walk with the pram in the rain for example, can handle crying.

AIBU however to keep gently trying to ask her to stick to the routine? I'm trying to keep mealtimes pretty consistent nursery/home. Baby is on 2 naps currently (possibly dropping to 1 atm), I've just asked that naps are offered (no issue now) but that he isn't allowed to sleep past around 3pm as he'll be up for 4.5-6+ hours after waking.

I am particular about his food (annoying FTM), I've said no sugar or honey (he's almost 1, MIL wasn't familiar with guidance) or salt. I've started giving the odd bit of food with stock which is fine but generally aim for low sodium. And some solid (whole) bits of fruit/veg with every meal.

I have been providing all food for the time he's there, we obv provided a cot, pram, all supplies and some toys.

He's only actually done 3 days there so far since I've gone back and every time there's been some confusion over the routine:

• trying to get him to nap between 3.30/4pm (twice - once would have been a 3rd nap)

• apparently giving lunch at 3pm (she said he was fed something else around normal lunchtime, I did check)

• giving different food (totally fine in theory but then he's been fed at odd times and it's then hard to gauge what he needs at home. The lunch at 3pm day he'd just eaten a veg muffin at 3, and I'd asked her to give him dinner that day around 3.30, which I'd packed. Had to then try him with dinner at home around 4.40/5, he didn't eat much but then demolished enormous breakfast and lunch the next day so I worried he was hungry just a bit later the day before.

• this is especially where I wonder if I'm being unreasonable, if I'm providing fruit/veg to go with meals, IABU to ask for it to be offered? Doesn't have to be eaten I just want to keep up the routine/exposure.

• lastly, the giving of other food. I thought it would be simpler and easier on her for me to just provide it but she's got other food ready for him each time. This week I checked the day before what she was planning so I wouldn't waste food myself. Then it feels like a bit of a debate/me being controlling. Before the first full day she asked if DS could have Heinz baby cereal that she'd already bought (I said no thanks, he just has normal oats) or fish fingers (I said hesitantly I guess, if the batter was taken off? Felt unsure about it and meant to tell her no after thinking about it, but I thought it was a hypothetical question for if he didn't have food packed one day). That first day I'd packed all his food and she gave him both normal oats and fish fingers. I've since found fish fingers are only recommended occasionally for babies so I've asked her to skip them and talked about how much he's enjoyed other home cooked food of hers.

I don't want to be overly controlling or an ungrateful bint of a DIL but I've gone over these things repeatedly and what I thought was clearly but gently. Other mums have mostly said IANBU but one said just don't ask questions as long as DC is safe and her family was up to all sorts with her kids. Should I let some or all of this stuff go?

I'd let all but the sleep stuff go tbh, especially.for 1 day a week. If he is hungry he'll let her know and none of those foods are dangerous.

I’d let the food stuff go to be honest, so long as there’s nothing unsafe happening (eg uncut grapes) then it’s not going to harm him to have fish fingers once a week. Food is always a bit different at grandmas house!

The not napping past 3 I get cos you’re the one that will have to deal with the disrupted bedtime/overnight so I’d try and gently push that and ignore the rest.

The sleep request is fine but the rest is OTT. You need to either drop a lot or your demands or pay for childcare.

Thank you both, okay I imagine that's going to be the consensus here. I'll focus on the sleep stuff and get DH to reiterate it too.

I've got some work stuff coming up that will mean leaving him for a slightly longer day there next month which was worrying me, I found it easier this week to get him before dinner time and give it him at home. And she was still attempting another nap in the danger window then, very well meant but what that was going to do to my evening/night 😬 and I was ill that day too.

But all good, I'll try and chill out about the food stuff and pick my battles.

Thanks. I would actually love to pay for childcare for this day! Fingers crossed for a place at this nursery. We had put him down for a place at a second nursery just to cover this day but that would have been awful settling into two different places. I do get you have to suck some stuff up when it's family helping out.

Is she trying for a third nap because she's overestimated how hard having your dc would be?

You need to let all but the sleep thing go. Fish fingers once a week isn’t going to harm your child. You need to remember as a FTM that your MIL has raised children and not killed them off. Fair enough if she’s feeding him uncut grapes and bacon sandwiches but I think you need to let it go.

I speak as a grandma who has my daughter’s son one day a week. I stick fairly religiously to her instructions for naps. To the point of wheeling him round the park in pouring rain for an hour each time when he first came to us. So I think your MIL should stick to nap times. We all know the agony of a baby still bouncing off the walls at 10pm!
i do follow instructions about food too, but I wonder if your requirements are a bit too detailed. And maybe too strict? A bit of sugar? A fish finger? It’s your call, and nurseries these days offer home made guidance-led food, but in a home environment could you be a bit more relaxed? I am actually stricter on food than my daughter because I am vegetarian and avoid UPF. I’ve had to accept that he brings the odd bag of mini cheddars with him (he’s 3 now).
She is doing you a big favour after all. Has she given you any hint that she finds you controlling? My own MIL would have secretly thought I was mad, but would have done as I asked

I will keep checking with her, it was a real concern of ours. She keeps insisting it's no trouble at all but I think it's a lot especially as you get older. I do think from what she's been saying she's attempting naps then because she thinks he's tired, she was convinced he'd sleep in the car on the way home this week but he was up until gone 6pm (6+ hours)

yes, the cutting grapes thing is a really important new piece of advice - it certainly wasn’t mentioned when I was a young mum. I’m really glad my daughter made the importance of that clear. I suppose you need to pick your battles with grandparents and food.

I also agree with previous posters- as long as she’s not doing anything ridiculous (like giving them haribo washed down with coca-cola etc 😂) I would let the food thing go for one day a week. A fish finger isn't the end of the world, and I think they will let you know if they’re hungry.

the nap thing I think I would focus on and be firm about not letting them nap past 3pm. Also my mum (who is incredible with my dc in every other aspect) was terrible at following the nap schedule (although she tried to stick to it when I made it clear how serious I was about it) as she thought I’d/when they’re tired they will nap, and didn’t believe me on the ‘overtired’ thing making sleep worse later on.

I agree with others that I’d relax all points except for the sleep one as it’s a killer.

I really don’t want to be the ‘when you have no 2…’ person but DC2 ate tonnes of stuff age 1 I never gave DC1 at that age, purely because I can’t let the 3yo have a fruit ice lolly when the 1yo isn’t allowed! And they’re both totally fine.

I completely get you’re between a rock and a hard place with childcare but MIL sounds like a star so I’d rather move my goalposts. Mine are 5yo and 3yo now and we are away for DH’s 40th next month. I’m fairly sure it’s going to be wall to wall snacks and TV but what matters for good habits is consistency - a one off now and then (or even once a week for a little while) won’t shift the dial.

But yeah, the flip of that is no sleep after 3pm. Yes it’s hard and they’re wingey but my god it’s a nightmare otherwise (and it’s been a couple of years since I was there!)

Maybe as it’s all new to both of them, you need to give than a bit of time to get used to the routine. 3 days isn’t really that long, and sometimes it takes a while. Give it time.

@ridl14 I’d just let her get on with it. Routines change based on who has the baby. And grandparents are a god send with often more experience than the parents. I'm guessing your DH turned out OK.

Thank you, it's great to hear your perspective and you sound like a wonderful grandma!

I can have very black and white thinking to a fault, for sure. I'm not comfortable with refined sugar yet. I did think me providing a bag of food for him for the whole day would get around any issues with food, but she's wanting to make other food for him and not use what I've provided. But I get that there's joy in feeding a grandchild too.

I don't want to be ridiculous, she could well think I'm mad. And I've had to accept anyone looking after my child won't do exactly the same as me.

I have noticed him being less keen on veg coinciding with me starting to have time away from him, when he's always eaten everything. Could be a normal developmental stage but it makes me worry about it being a slippery slope to beige oven food. (Sure that's me being ridiculous isn't it). And yeah just a bit harder to work out what he needs when I get him back if he's eaten not full meals but at different times, but it's not like anything unsafe happened as PP have said.

Thank you, that's very true

Thank you! No that's very sensible. We're hoping to start TTC later this year and I'm sure I won't be making falafel from scratch when there's two to juggle 😂

As PP suggests, give it time to settle. I’d ask her to try and keep to sleep routines as that’s reasonable, no one wants to be trying to settle baby at 10pm. The rest as long as baby is safe, you have to let go a bit. I accept now that when my 2yo is with my dad, he’ll have a handful of chocolate buttons or share a muffin. With me I offer fruit and veg and try and limit sugar. It’s not harming him in the long run and he’ll understand before long that he gets treats from grandparents but mum is responsible for making sure he eats well the rest of the time

You might be, my best friend just had DC2 and she’s a unicorn baby who’ll just conk out anywhere so when DC1 is at nursery she’s making all the organic falafel!

My 3yo isn’t sleeping through so I may be a tad jealous 😂 but yeah, standards slip a bit. Nothing wrong with being a tad PFB when you’ve just the one if works for you but I wouldn’t make drama with the family in order to uphold it.

I would try to let go a bit. Most childcare providers will do what they want regardless too because they need to fit it into their existing routine with other children. If they're fed and have a clean nappy and haven't been in front of screens all day then you don't have anything to complain about with free childcare.

I think if you’re in the position of relying on family childcare then you need to unclench a bit personally.

Is this a lot to remember re schuedule? Have you given her it written down? I imagine she’s just confused hence trying to nap him at the time you say he shouldn’t sleep past. Food just say you’ll supply it all, but I’d take view eating most things will be fine one day a week as long as they avoid salt and sugar. Fish fingers will be fine.

Sleep routines, yes, I'd hammer that home. One danger nap can ruin a whole week of sleep

Food wise... I say this kindly but you need to ease up. You can always give her a lost of foods you know he definitely will eat and liked for her to make. Part of the fun for her is making the food and watching him eat nanas dinners! I'd probably just make it clear re chopping grapes, no honey and no sweets and let her be a grandmother.

The concept of not knowing what he's eaten etc you need to get your head around too. You are back at work and not with him 24/7. Just ask her when you pick up when and what he last ate and you'll know of he needs a bowl.of porridge before bed it not.

I note in of your comments you've said that you'd love to pay for another day at nursery for him...which i find a bit insensitive. She's his grandmother and is probably so happy to have him this one day to herself and you'd rather he was in nursery?

Does your nursery follow your rules ?

I have written it down, yes 😬 more than once and tried to keep it to really simple bullet points so it's not overwhelming. Meal, nap, meal, nap, meal.

Food - thing is I've been providing everything. I was confused why she was ignoring some of it and serving other things and at different times IYSWIM. I did think it might affect sleep a bit possibly, he tends to have a good second nap with a full tummy. But as people have said I'll let it go.