To (keep) asking MIL to follow baby's routine?

[ridl14]

What things would you reasonably expect family doing childcare to keep to?

Sorry really trying not to drip feed so it's a bit long!

I've recently gone back to work part time. Didn't get to choose my days and DC's (excellent) nursery doesn't yet have space on one of my working days. So, I'm very aware MIL is doing us a huge favour (we almost had to put him in a second nursery just to cover this day). We were and are prepared to pay for childcare for this day and are on the waitlist so DC would be in one nursery all my work days.

She is very happy to have this day doing childcare and is generally great - happy to go out for a walk with the pram in the rain for example, can handle crying.

AIBU however to keep gently trying to ask her to stick to the routine? I'm trying to keep mealtimes pretty consistent nursery/home. Baby is on 2 naps currently (possibly dropping to 1 atm), I've just asked that naps are offered (no issue now) but that he isn't allowed to sleep past around 3pm as he'll be up for 4.5-6+ hours after waking.

I am particular about his food (annoying FTM), I've said no sugar or honey (he's almost 1, MIL wasn't familiar with guidance) or salt. I've started giving the odd bit of food with stock which is fine but generally aim for low sodium. And some solid (whole) bits of fruit/veg with every meal.

I have been providing all food for the time he's there, we obv provided a cot, pram, all supplies and some toys.

He's only actually done 3 days there so far since I've gone back and every time there's been some confusion over the routine:

• trying to get him to nap between 3.30/4pm (twice - once would have been a 3rd nap)

• apparently giving lunch at 3pm (she said he was fed something else around normal lunchtime, I did check)

• giving different food (totally fine in theory but then he's been fed at odd times and it's then hard to gauge what he needs at home. The lunch at 3pm day he'd just eaten a veg muffin at 3, and I'd asked her to give him dinner that day around 3.30, which I'd packed. Had to then try him with dinner at home around 4.40/5, he didn't eat much but then demolished enormous breakfast and lunch the next day so I worried he was hungry just a bit later the day before.

• this is especially where I wonder if I'm being unreasonable, if I'm providing fruit/veg to go with meals, IABU to ask for it to be offered? Doesn't have to be eaten I just want to keep up the routine/exposure.

• lastly, the giving of other food. I thought it would be simpler and easier on her for me to just provide it but she's got other food ready for him each time. This week I checked the day before what she was planning so I wouldn't waste food myself. Then it feels like a bit of a debate/me being controlling. Before the first full day she asked if DS could have Heinz baby cereal that she'd already bought (I said no thanks, he just has normal oats) or fish fingers (I said hesitantly I guess, if the batter was taken off? Felt unsure about it and meant to tell her no after thinking about it, but I thought it was a hypothetical question for if he didn't have food packed one day). That first day I'd packed all his food and she gave him both normal oats and fish fingers. I've since found fish fingers are only recommended occasionally for babies so I've asked her to skip them and talked about how much he's enjoyed other home cooked food of hers.

I don't want to be overly controlling or an ungrateful bint of a DIL but I've gone over these things repeatedly and what I thought was clearly but gently. Other mums have mostly said IANBU but one said just don't ask questions as long as DC is safe and her family was up to all sorts with her kids. Should I let some or all of this stuff go?

Thank you so much, that's really so kind of you to say. Someone said on here it sounded like a bad environment for my baby (love MN!) so I really appreciate it ❤️

Love my MIL, my own mum's not around anymore and she is great for my son, I'm not on here to bash her at all. I just want to keep everyone happy and give my son the best start I can. Ideally without running myself into the ground! We've both been ill this week which hasn't helped.

DH was more pro pushing the routine than I was, thinking she'd just forgotten. I've been the one saying to him she's doing us a favour and we can't treat her like the hired help. I know that didn't come across in my OP though 😬 I think keeping it to saying no refined sugar, simple home cooked food is best, happy for her to sort his food if she wants to (then no food waste and more quality time with my son the night before) and just letting that day be its own routine sounds best for everyone

Only the sleep did I ever ask my parents to do, the rest doesn't matter babies are happy, parents happy to see them what more could I want because being in a nursery every single day isn't for me the bond they have with both grandmas cant be made in a nursery

Food wise he’ll probably eat worse at nursery so you should unclench on that one. Nap wise YANBU.

Regarding, the nap - YANBU. Having their bedtime sleep messed up is not good for everyone.

With the other stuff - and I mean this kindly - you will likely look back on being so fussy about it and cringe slightly. I was the same with my first until he was about 18 months (when my second was born and any headspace I had disappeared).

You sound like a great mum but try to relax a bit - your MIL isn’t doing anything harmful.

I’m afraid that you are being PFB about the food. But this is normal when you have gone back to work and have lost control of what is happening .
Fast forward a year and you will have a toddler who will have really clear likes and dislikes and won’t eat half the healthy food you give him now ( and you will give in to beige food) .
I would chill about the food and just ask her to follow your sleep plan. Hopefully she will do better with fewer rules to follow .

I was you - you do your best but kids turn into fussy eaters anyway.

Lovely post

Sounds like a good plan.

Neither of my dc turned into fussy eaters. In my day, we offered tasters of food from around 6 months or a bit before. They had tasters of my home cooked food and both like Michelin starred restaurants now! I’m not sure trying to be perfect does anything other than bring angst with it.

I also had no one taking my dc one day a week. I’d appreciate this wonderful gift a bit more instead of handing over a set of rules. When my dm had dc as babies I never ever did that. I trusted her instincts. How have mums and dads got so controlling? A bit of freewheeling is great! If my DDs have dc, I would never be able to meet the standards outlined here. I’m truly hoping they will be more chilled!

As a MIL myself and looked after 2 GC's, I have always respected my DIL's wishes and she has very much said your house, your rules so maybe have a chat or relax knowing your DC is in good hands and it's only for a day x

Tbh our parents did all childcare until the term after ds was 3 from circa 8 months old. They collected him at 8 am and returned him at 6pm for 3-4 days a week depending on DH shifts. I never gave any food or sleep instructions. The only things I ever mentioned were the time he was allowed to eat 12 dates and had an upset stomach and the time he was allowed 4 weetabix and had an upset stomach. Theory was they respectively kept me / DH alive plus our siblings. Super grateful for their help. Yes it meant sometimes he didn’t eat his tea or was still up at 10pm but it all worked out ok in the end.

All children go off veggies and fruits and other foods they previously ate well. However, I found if I kept offering them they went back to them eventually. Don’t over worry about things.

I largely agree with the majority of posters that sleep she should follow but food I would be a bit more chill about.

however I think giving fish fingers and baked beans to a 1 year old is mental and if you pack fruit / veg why would she not shove it on the plate at mealtimes?!

It's so difficult but routine with you is not going to be the same for her.

My DB and SIL asked me have there 18mnth to stay. They sent me messages, gave approx times etc but my niece wasn't with her usual people, she was a bit out of sorts and yes at home she's a great sleeper but with me she probably did go home a bit tired. SIL is a vegetarian so I respected that but didn't run the ingredients of the sweet potato curry (it was home made) I fed her past them or worry about the microwave rice etc. It's hard looking after someone else little one.

Such a reasonable response🙏🏼 that's so fair. I don't expect him to take naps at his usual times or usual way, he has major FOMO, that's no one else's fault. And you sound great! I'd love him to be fed some home cooked food.

I absolutely take on board that I need to chill out, I can be very all or nothing to a fault. I did think just providing a bag of food ready would make it easy for her as she's doing us the favour, and make my PFB food rules a non issue.

I also think my communication needed improving as well and I get very anxious when I don't understand what people want / expect / are implying but aren't saying directly either! The new approach seems to be working, asking what she'd like me to provide and taking her word for it. And it's reassuring to hear from more experienced mums that it's fine for him to eat differently one day and either have something simple before bed or make up for it the next day. Silly but I was worried I was letting him down and missing that he was hungry before I put him to bed. He still breastfeeds anyway so can't be that hungry 😂

Thank you x I think this sounds the best way!

Other than the late sleep I really wouldn’t be bothering with all that food stuff it’s way over the top you’re gonna drive yourself batty trying to stick to all that and if you start being too controlling with your child over what they can and can’t eat all their lives they’ll end up with an eating disorder. Once they discover chicken nuggets (which someone will give them at some point) it’s all out the window and that’s all they want to eat anyway like the rest of them, sorry but true. It doesn’t kill them, take a chill pill. Hope you get the nursery place soon 🙏

FOMO??? I considered it learning. My DD1 did one big sleep in the day but she was engaged in so much of what was going on around her. Early talker and just could engage with people very early too. Trying to force sleep was not going to happen, but I didn’t force routine. He just wants to engage and learn. It’s what dc do. I imagine mil sees that.

Sleep routine I agree with. But the rest! She’s a grandmother who loves your child and as long as they are safe, well cared for and happy I wouldn’t complain. You can’t put a price on that type of care. But obviously, if you feel it’s not good enough fork out for alternative paid-for care until a nursery place comes up. I presume your own mother doesn’t live near or isn’t available.

Yes got it! Tbh I never saw myself being so militant past a certain young age and I know it's not good to demonise foods. I just feel like while he's in the "doesn't know any better" stage, I didn't think I should introduce him to sugar, nuggets etc. I do know they all get fussier at some point and I want him to have a childhood.

I have said previously how I've decided to handle it going forward, it did seem odd to choose not to serve food from the bag I'd provided and go to the effort of making shop bought fish fingers. Home cooked food is great. Also felt very rude to me not to provide food and give her more to do when she's doing us a favour.

I'd read a lot from that Charlotte Stirling-Reed about too much sodium for babies and their kidneys but have checked with the HV and a nutritionist and it does seem overblown.

I love him being awake more! More time to play and enjoy him, as long as he's happy. I know I was a FOMO baby and I consider it part of his personality. Never annoyed if he's refused a nap.

One of the first times I left him with MIL to build him up to being away from me, it was for a couple of hours in the morning, we'd previously just done lunchtime and bit of early afternoon. I was being very "do whatever you want, here's everything you might need, you're a saint" which she is. I'd said he'll want a nap roughly X time but you never know what he'll do, I'm leaving his lunch just in case but you prob won't need it. He ended up having lunch about 2h early but no nap offered so was awake for 5 hours for his first stretch of the morning, crying when I got him to the car and conked out immediately. Obv he was fine but it made me realise I did have to give some guidance on his routine or it wasn't fair on either of them.

The only issue I had with naps was trying to get an extra one to happen too late in the day - it's never worked as DS just won't lately, but I think good to clarify why

No mine is dead.

Just to be clear I haven't sent MIL the food bullet points I've put here. I was providing a bag of food (it felt extremely rude to presume she'd just feed him all day plus everything else), then there was some confusion where some was used, some not (had to chuck away), some things given instead that I don't feed him at all. Obv it's not like he's been fed bleach or something. I was saying okay if you're giving him something else, could I provide veg to go with it? Can we skip fish fingers (yes I get they've got a place nutritionally but he eats all sorts of other fish and meat, plus he already had a lunch to eat).

But as I've already said, I've decided to just let the day be its own thing. I wanted my return to work to be as least disruptive as possible but I understand I can't do that and he's absolutely in good hands. And less work for me if she'd prefer to provide and make food herself which I thought I was taking off her hands.

Honestly relax about the food, my DH's Granny used to dip her finger in malt whisky then straight into DH's mouth rather than using the teething gel provided as she knew best! MIL had no childcare alternative though as a shift working Midwife, e.g no nursery covers nightshift.

(DH's Granny had 5 children and they all lived well into their 80's, guess she probably did know best 😂).

Stick to insisting on the sleep schedule but don't get too anxious about it for the sake of 1 day a week.

Remember she managed to raise your DH into adulthood and presumably he survived.

Well that’s my point really. She’s hardly failed as a mum. Babies don’t all sleep to order when away from home and if he’s sleeping in the car, so be it. He maybe would not settle in her house. It’s not a massive deal when you consider what she’s doing to help. More than I would.

I think the no sleep after 3pm is unrealistic. So what did the baby is up all lunch and won't go down for whatever reason. Your poor mil is then having to keep an irate overtired child awake. It's madness. You just need to adjust your evenings on days mil has them. It sucks a bit but that's what children are like. Also by next week the schedule will change anyway as they always do. You've enlisted her help..let her get on with it.

That's not what the OP has said though. The grandmother has been trying to put the baby down for a 3rd nap after 3pm... when the baby only takes 2 naps.

@BudgetBuster That’s regimented though. 2 naps or else!!! My DD had 1 nap. So what? Baby just might be more tired with grandma but mum says it’s FOMO and he keeps himself awake! Going with the flow seems more sensible - op said he slept in the car and was so tired he was crying. So maybe he should have napped earlier?