To (keep) asking MIL to follow baby's routine?

[ridl14]

What things would you reasonably expect family doing childcare to keep to?

Sorry really trying not to drip feed so it's a bit long!

I've recently gone back to work part time. Didn't get to choose my days and DC's (excellent) nursery doesn't yet have space on one of my working days. So, I'm very aware MIL is doing us a huge favour (we almost had to put him in a second nursery just to cover this day). We were and are prepared to pay for childcare for this day and are on the waitlist so DC would be in one nursery all my work days.

She is very happy to have this day doing childcare and is generally great - happy to go out for a walk with the pram in the rain for example, can handle crying.

AIBU however to keep gently trying to ask her to stick to the routine? I'm trying to keep mealtimes pretty consistent nursery/home. Baby is on 2 naps currently (possibly dropping to 1 atm), I've just asked that naps are offered (no issue now) but that he isn't allowed to sleep past around 3pm as he'll be up for 4.5-6+ hours after waking.

I am particular about his food (annoying FTM), I've said no sugar or honey (he's almost 1, MIL wasn't familiar with guidance) or salt. I've started giving the odd bit of food with stock which is fine but generally aim for low sodium. And some solid (whole) bits of fruit/veg with every meal.

I have been providing all food for the time he's there, we obv provided a cot, pram, all supplies and some toys.

He's only actually done 3 days there so far since I've gone back and every time there's been some confusion over the routine:

• trying to get him to nap between 3.30/4pm (twice - once would have been a 3rd nap)

• apparently giving lunch at 3pm (she said he was fed something else around normal lunchtime, I did check)

• giving different food (totally fine in theory but then he's been fed at odd times and it's then hard to gauge what he needs at home. The lunch at 3pm day he'd just eaten a veg muffin at 3, and I'd asked her to give him dinner that day around 3.30, which I'd packed. Had to then try him with dinner at home around 4.40/5, he didn't eat much but then demolished enormous breakfast and lunch the next day so I worried he was hungry just a bit later the day before.

• this is especially where I wonder if I'm being unreasonable, if I'm providing fruit/veg to go with meals, IABU to ask for it to be offered? Doesn't have to be eaten I just want to keep up the routine/exposure.

• lastly, the giving of other food. I thought it would be simpler and easier on her for me to just provide it but she's got other food ready for him each time. This week I checked the day before what she was planning so I wouldn't waste food myself. Then it feels like a bit of a debate/me being controlling. Before the first full day she asked if DS could have Heinz baby cereal that she'd already bought (I said no thanks, he just has normal oats) or fish fingers (I said hesitantly I guess, if the batter was taken off? Felt unsure about it and meant to tell her no after thinking about it, but I thought it was a hypothetical question for if he didn't have food packed one day). That first day I'd packed all his food and she gave him both normal oats and fish fingers. I've since found fish fingers are only recommended occasionally for babies so I've asked her to skip them and talked about how much he's enjoyed other home cooked food of hers.

I don't want to be overly controlling or an ungrateful bint of a DIL but I've gone over these things repeatedly and what I thought was clearly but gently. Other mums have mostly said IANBU but one said just don't ask questions as long as DC is safe and her family was up to all sorts with her kids. Should I let some or all of this stuff go?

It does feel difficult, I mainly want to know what he needs from me the rest of the day and not get it wrong!

She does have good judgement, I think it's just getting used to how my baby operates which is probably different from how her babies were. I think she's getting used to the idea that I would even need to know when he's slept and when and what he's eaten (and I think she doesn't agree with me about some things)

sounds like MIL does what she pleases and tells DiL what she (thinks) she wants to hear 😂my mum is like that too but i stopped asking her to do childcare as she simply did not want to follow anything

Yabvu not to realise that saying no sugar to your mil is like a red rag to a bull. Yanbu to think it but the reality is nothing you say will override he thought in her mind that she knows best! Don’t be surprised if your dc is sampling all sorts of sugary delights while you’re at work! Probably loving every minute of it too!

Yes, nursery does. Arguably why we picked them tbf. It's different though. They provide nutritious food at set times. I'm trying to keep his meal times consistent with theirs at home. He's down as no refined sugar (not the only kid there like that) so he'll have eg banana or yoghurt instead of ice cream. They don't let him nap past 3pm. That's it really!

I would never leave my child with someone I didn't trust and I think she was and is a wonderful mother. So many things I ask and intend to keep asking her advice on.

I just want to know where I'm being reasonable and not asking for my choices to be respected / where to let go.

And I do provide a cooler bag of prepped food for the day! Think that may have been lost somewhere along the way.

Food stuff I would let go. Sleep stuff I’d try to keep on track but not the end of the world if not.
Surprised you are keener to use a nursery than mil, one on one time with a grandparent can be worth its weight in gold.

this reminds me of the time mum made a sugar free cake for my toddler. only after toddler had the first slice, mum said she did in fact, use vanilla sugar. but followed up by saying that is not really sugar😂

I sit on the fence with this. My wonderful mum has my DS 1.5 days a week as he is in nursery for the rest and I have tried to be chill and adapt a “as long as she follows the basic schedule she can feed him/do whatever activities she likes with him” (within reason)

I would expect her to try and offer the naps at the times I gave her, I would be frustrated to find out she’s offering naps at 3pm… as it would affect bedtime.

But I wouldn’t be angry at her for giving Heinz baby cereal or fish fingers to be honest. Sometimes I will say something like “Yes he can have some but I usually just buy the normal oats, I’ve got some here I’ll pack you some so you can give him them for breakfast” just as an example.

I think it would be quite different if she was feeding baby cadburys chocolate bars and takeaway pizza every day.

It sounds like she’s only doing 1 day a week as well.

I would try and chill out a little.

I just want to point out that babies do get offered fish fingers etc at nursery too x

Even if you are incredibly careful with what food he is offered, and he eats it as a baby, he is likely to reject a lot of green veg in the toddler years. This is very normal, as their taste buds develop it tastes bitter to them.

Honestly there are limits on how you control sugar. Ds was given more sugar/junk at a childminders house, yet is a fabulous eater age 9. Will choose fruit over desserts amd loves fish & all vegetables. Was picky as fuck aged 18 months!

DD got a super careful diet and yet loves the beige/sugar/junk given half a chance (she's rising 7).

I think because we have lots of quality time with grandparents anyway, we've always seen them at least once a week. I'd look for that to continue even if less time but still once a week frequency, it's great for children and grandparents.

I really love his nursery, couldn't have sent him anywhere else. Plus it makes my day far easier and he does seem to enjoy it (not the drop off yet, either with nursery or MIL). I'm still breastfeeding, don't take a break all day and the extra journey time, uncertainty (will he have been fed dinner by the time I get him or will I still need to do that when I get home + pump + put him to bed early? Should I leave early in case?)

Still think my son's in great hands, it's just these little tweaks that would make it so much easier

Thank you, good to hear! I should stop the all or nothing thinking

Oh and bananas and yoghurts can both be packed with sugar. Lots of childrens brand yoghurts with "no refined sugar" are sweetened with fruit concentrates that are full of sugar.

Bananas for sure yeah. Bit of fibre at least though? He has plain Greek yoghurt there with berries

I think what you are asking is perfectly reasonable. Both the sleep and routine around diet are so important especially when your little one goes to nursery some days and you want consistency and also don’t want your little one awake late when you’ve been at work all day and they may have a nursery day the following day. Yes I get the MIL is helping but it sounds really frustrating that for whatever reason she isn’t doing what you have asked. It’s really not much you have asked. My own Mum would have been exactly like this, so we went back on her helping out one day a week, we managed to get the extra day at nursery thankfully. You aren’t being unreasonable and I completely understand what you are saying.

As this is a short term fix, have you considered DH using annual leave to take a day off a week or every alternate week for a while to cover/part-cover this and minimise disruption?

It would be good for him to get a full grasp of the baby’s routine so he can explain to his mum what should/shouldn’t happen.

And/or, get DH to pick up DC from his mum on the days she has him, then if he has to deal with a wide-awake/over-fed/out of routine baby the responsibility is on him to resolve it?

I think sometimes MILs can see DILs as “fussy”, but if their own son says “mum, I had an awful night last night because you let DC have 3 naps, and eat XYZ, so they were awake and unsettled until midnight and had explosive diarrhoea, PLEASE can you stick to the routine and the food we give you?” it may resonate more.

Just a suggestion.

It reads like even though she is doing you a favour with nursery not having a space on that day , it is in fact causing you quite the headache as you try to guess whether DC will need tea/dinner when you get home, whether bedtime will be a nightmare if there's been a 4pm nap etc.

Going back to work can be so hard. I hated it and even now over 2 years later I remember what a slog it was. I hope the nursery space comes up soon so you can go back to seeing MIL for nice family times, and not have these awkward conversations trying to get her to tell you what DC has eaten and when...

I think you’re being over the top. My mum looked after my daughter for two days a week when she was 18 months whilst I did some temporary work for a couple of months. I took food and milk bottles every day when I dropped her off, but I took the view that when my mum was looking after my daughter, it was up to her what she did in terms of naps, if she chose to feed her different foods, etc. She managed to bring me and my brother up well enough so I had no concerns about her looking after my daughter. I really didn’t think it was worth making a stand if my mum gave her something that I wouldn’t usually give her, and I would never have expected her to follow a set routine.

You really need to let go a little bit, sounds quite uptight and controlling and not a healthy atmosphere for a baby! Sounds anxiety inducing!

I don’t think I put enough thought into my comment.
My train of thought is that the benefit of one to one time (more chatting, reading etc) outweighs the negatives of lower quality food.
In your shoes I would try to be less concerned about what he’s eaten and trust that she will have fed him enough for the day. The amount they eat varies so it’s not a prescriptive amount.
Maybe just keep saying no naps after three and make that be the point you drive home to her.

You have my sympathy! It’s not easy being a working mother and I think your post really sums up the challenges of it all. You sound ace ❤️

You're being waaaay ott about the food. Just let her handle feeding him asmd save yourself one more job. The issue with the naps sounds like she gets tired as the day goes on so probably wants him to nap so she can rest a bit. If it's only temporary just be chill and let her do what she wants just for that day. I wouldn't give her any demands, shes his grandma she'll look after him well.

This is exactly it 🙏🏼 I'm so grateful that I haven't had to put my son in two different nurseries and he's getting great quality family time and I know he's in good hands. But this day is the most stressful of my week.

I think it would be different if his grandma day wasn't combined with a non stop day at work maybe, but yes just the guessing in the afternoon/evening feels like the last thing I need. I've had him crying on the way home and I'm thinking god is he hungry because no dinner, I'll have to try and pump while he's eating, am I going to get mastitis going so long not pumping or feeding, what time is bedtime now, if I'd known he wouldn't be fed dinner I'd have left earlier to get him. Definitely a slog! Thanks for your kind message

Can your DH not speak to her?

Once a week isn't alot tbh, particularly when you or DH are around. It's great, obviously but I wouldn't call it quality time. The joys of a grandparent is getting to have One on One time with grandkids and spoil them. You'll be so bloody grateful for her if and when you have a 2nd child.

I still find your choice of preferring nursery over grandmother for that extra day a bit sad. I'm sure she would be devastated to hear that. And tbh, I think this idea will just be stuck in your head and nothing she does will be as good as the nursery in your eyes.

I’m a granny. It’s lovely looking after the babies! I also remember how anxious I was when my children were little about sleep and food-so sure, MIL is doing you a favour but you are doing her one too, she has time with her beloved grandchild. And trust me, as they grow the relationship between me and the DGC that I’ve been involved with since birth is totally special.

For that reason I tho on you need to pick your battles, but I also think you have to stick with your boundaries and she should respect them, even if she thinks you are a bit bonkers. Thats her job, to do as you ask and shrug inwardly. But that’s hard if there is a fight over everything.

So I think the sleep thing is major and a line needs to be drawn. The rest, I think i would try and let go. Food is so emotive isn’t it? I nearly sacked our first nanny for giving my precious child a marmite sandwich and only organic carrot puree was allowed. But the second one pretty much had mashed up McDonald’s.

That's so kind thank you ❤️ You're right yeah just to drill no sleep after 3pm. I'll try and figure out the dinner situation, quick prep one at home or just accept the food waste if he doesn't have the one I've sent to MIL's.

Also you're so right about the 1-1 chatting

Your baby will be much better off linguistically, developmentally and emotionally in the one to one care of a devoted, intelligent grandmother than in a group care situation. Even the best nursery cannot hope to come close to the love and attention of such a grandmother.

If group care is the only option then we’ve got to do what we’ve got to do, but I’d be wary of thinking of it as “better” because of a few carrots or fish fingers here and there and the impression that they are following your rules.

Think of the life long benefits of the love and security of a grandmother rather than being left in the hands of strangers. Group care of under 2s is really not ideal and you’re lucky to be able to avoid it for one day at least.

In the best cases childcare workers can be kind and provide safe and adequate care to the best of their ability, but it’s a low pay, low education, long hours, demanding role . In my experience there’s a high turnover of staff, they often aren’t native English speakers, they often tell you what you want to hear re naps and food rather than the truth, your child just has to fit in with the other kids and baby would always prefer to be with family.