To (keep) asking MIL to follow baby's routine?

[ridl14]

What things would you reasonably expect family doing childcare to keep to?

Sorry really trying not to drip feed so it's a bit long!

I've recently gone back to work part time. Didn't get to choose my days and DC's (excellent) nursery doesn't yet have space on one of my working days. So, I'm very aware MIL is doing us a huge favour (we almost had to put him in a second nursery just to cover this day). We were and are prepared to pay for childcare for this day and are on the waitlist so DC would be in one nursery all my work days.

She is very happy to have this day doing childcare and is generally great - happy to go out for a walk with the pram in the rain for example, can handle crying.

AIBU however to keep gently trying to ask her to stick to the routine? I'm trying to keep mealtimes pretty consistent nursery/home. Baby is on 2 naps currently (possibly dropping to 1 atm), I've just asked that naps are offered (no issue now) but that he isn't allowed to sleep past around 3pm as he'll be up for 4.5-6+ hours after waking.

I am particular about his food (annoying FTM), I've said no sugar or honey (he's almost 1, MIL wasn't familiar with guidance) or salt. I've started giving the odd bit of food with stock which is fine but generally aim for low sodium. And some solid (whole) bits of fruit/veg with every meal.

I have been providing all food for the time he's there, we obv provided a cot, pram, all supplies and some toys.

He's only actually done 3 days there so far since I've gone back and every time there's been some confusion over the routine:

• trying to get him to nap between 3.30/4pm (twice - once would have been a 3rd nap)

• apparently giving lunch at 3pm (she said he was fed something else around normal lunchtime, I did check)

• giving different food (totally fine in theory but then he's been fed at odd times and it's then hard to gauge what he needs at home. The lunch at 3pm day he'd just eaten a veg muffin at 3, and I'd asked her to give him dinner that day around 3.30, which I'd packed. Had to then try him with dinner at home around 4.40/5, he didn't eat much but then demolished enormous breakfast and lunch the next day so I worried he was hungry just a bit later the day before.

• this is especially where I wonder if I'm being unreasonable, if I'm providing fruit/veg to go with meals, IABU to ask for it to be offered? Doesn't have to be eaten I just want to keep up the routine/exposure.

• lastly, the giving of other food. I thought it would be simpler and easier on her for me to just provide it but she's got other food ready for him each time. This week I checked the day before what she was planning so I wouldn't waste food myself. Then it feels like a bit of a debate/me being controlling. Before the first full day she asked if DS could have Heinz baby cereal that she'd already bought (I said no thanks, he just has normal oats) or fish fingers (I said hesitantly I guess, if the batter was taken off? Felt unsure about it and meant to tell her no after thinking about it, but I thought it was a hypothetical question for if he didn't have food packed one day). That first day I'd packed all his food and she gave him both normal oats and fish fingers. I've since found fish fingers are only recommended occasionally for babies so I've asked her to skip them and talked about how much he's enjoyed other home cooked food of hers.

I don't want to be overly controlling or an ungrateful bint of a DIL but I've gone over these things repeatedly and what I thought was clearly but gently. Other mums have mostly said IANBU but one said just don't ask questions as long as DC is safe and her family was up to all sorts with her kids. Should I let some or all of this stuff go?

Your last lines are hilarious 😂 😂 yes it's so emotive. I feel like any continuation of what I do at home makes me feel like there's less distance between me and my son when I'm at work. But I know different can be good too!

Are you doing a packed lunch for nursery?

you’ll find they give cake all the time. Also my 1 year old had an ice lolly all the bloody time. A full sugar one

She's raised at least one child herself. She knows how they work. The sleep bit would be annoying though.

When I had to collect DD1 from pre school, DD2 slept in the car! Wasn’t what I wanted, but inevitable. Life has to change with two and strict routines become very difficult to follow. Lunch at 11.30 sounds early to me. Mine slept in until 8 though. Generally our days were geared towards evenings or DH would never have seen them.

I would also not worry too much about the food. I'd pack him some food but it's ok if he eats what she's providing. Main thing is he's not hungry.

To keeo to the routine i'd put together a very clear routine written out simply on A4 to stick on the fridge. Then when he drops his 1st nap you can update it. There should be no confusion then.

We have always had nannies and i have always had the general eating/sleeping routine on the fridge alomg with a list of meals and snacks they like.

I agree with PP's. The sleep stuff is non negotiable you can deal with anything as long as everyone is getting enough sleep!

Safety with food (grapes etc as pp said) and nothing ridiculous (no twiglets or deep fried mars bars!), everything else is fine.

Fish fingers are actually a really good way of getting fish into kids. Breaded and cooked under the grill or in an air fryer, they are low fat and high protein, plus perfect finger food size.

I had 6 kids. First child was brought up on manna from heaven and unicorn tears, youngest.....whatever everyone else was having. Her first proper word was (genuinely!) "Cheese" because that was one thing we were always guaranteed to have in the house!

our parents-in-law would keep our 2 year old son up and then let him nap in the car even if it was after 4 o’clock. I think they just wanted some peace on the drive. It was a bit of a shame because he would just watch cartoons with headphones on and was no bother in the car, but they were just tired and let him pass out in the back.

We couldn’t really complain to be honest, so I just got another nursery day as soon as we could.

i don’t think controlling every aspect is worth your time and effort. Let her feed him fish fingers, Heinz branded baby oats, and whatever else, honestly, it’ll be fine. They feed them fish fingers and processed food at nurseries too.

The first time someone gave my child a McDonald’s age 2 I nearly fell off my chair, and now I laugh at myself being so dramatic & precious.

if she gives him a fish finger, or a couple of chocolate buttons, it’s going to make zero difference to anything.

You should tell your dh he is doing bedtime on the mil care days and suggest he phones her about 2:30, 3 to say no more naps or ill be spending 4 hours I don’t have tonight getting him to sleep. It often seems to be more serious if it’s their son /the dads time being impacted!

I think I'd go with your MIL's flow except for the late sleeps.

When your baby is ill, as he will be, and nursery won't take him, you will have MIL as a back-up.

Try too to remember that your MIL parented the functioning adult that is your dh.

You know at nursery they wont keep his naps to your schedule either?

Id pick one thing and focus on that, and tbh for me it would be a nap after 2pm.

As others have said, let go on the food thing? One day a week really won’t make that much difference and it doesn’t sound like she’s giving him anything that unhealthy? I’m afraid you will most likely find that the older he gets, the fussier he gets, especially with veggies. Obviously you might get lucky and he might stay a vegetable lover, but I’m afraid most kids do naturally go through a phase of starting to reject foods. We all think we’ve done a brilliant job with weaning until the toddler years hit!

Generally you have to let her do things her way as long as he is safe with her. Mine watch far too much tv with certain grandparents but again I know that once a week that won’t harm them and I’m grateful not only for the help, but for the chance for the grandparents to develop a good bond with DC.

I think you should chill apart from the nap and the eating shit. If they’re eating well, and are being loved by their Nana then that means something and it’s worth being less dogged about x

OP you are either trying to be very helpful or are exceptionally controlling.

Your OH turned out fine so maybe you need to not be so rigid and understand ahead of time may know what she is doing too.

I think you need to consider your approach when it comes to your kid getting older too. They may be a picky eater. Or may not sleep well
in future. Or may. It take to potty training. Relax.

Writing things down repeatedly is OTT after three days. You are over worrying for the sake of it.

Gosh, you need to chill. Not just when it comes to your MIL but also in general. There is no need for such stringent rules around routine, continuation and keeping the same meal times in a variety of settings. Honestly none of these things matter at all. As others have said sleep is important at that age but the rest needs to be relaxed. Your child is safe, loved and well cared for and no, there will be no distance between you because the rules at each setting are slightly different. Unless you loosen up a bit, your rules will push the people who look after him into saying yes to you and doing exactly what they want the moment you close the door. You sound like a great mum, enjoy your little boy and don’t worry so much.

Personally I can't see why she can't follow your directions. You provide his meals which is great. What satisfaction can there be for her cooking a fish finger? It's hardly a culinary experience for either of them. I think it's disrespectful of her across the board.

Fish fingers are made from - fish!!! Nice white flakes of fish. What is wrong with a fish finger once a week? When did parents get so controlling? If I become a grandma, I’d be very cross if a fish finger was taboo.

Plus I’m doing the favour. Babies don’t all sleep at the required time in a different home - they get out of routine. It’s inevitable. For one day a week, chill out. Mil cannot go on holiday unless it coincides with your holiday I assume. You are lucky she agreed to this. I would probably not if I was made to feel I was wrong in everything I did for baby.

Hi OP, I agree with what many have said already. My DM has had my DD (now 21 months) since she was a year old for 2 days a week and at first she was a bit like you describe with the naps. She was very much of the opinion "don't be too rigid, she will sleep if she is tired"! She soon cottoned on to the misery of trying to keep an overtired toddler happy haha... within a few weeks she was sticking to the schedule and everyone was happier for it. I found writing down on paper the exact schedule for the day including meals helped a lot.

Re meals - I think you are being too rigid. As long as nothing unsafe is happening I say let her crack on. Especially for one day a week. You'll soon see that as they get closer to 2 it's really hard to keep control over everything they consume. I find it best to operate on an 80/20 model - 80% of the time she eats nutritious ideally home cooked food but 20% of the time I don't bat an eyelid over a small cupcake, an ice cream etc.

Mine just napped more in the day. I was relaxed about sleep and just went with their lead. They could sleep anywhere so if they wanted to sleep they would find somewhere to lie down and sleep.

I understand how you feel but over the years since DC1 was born I've learnt that no one will do things exactly the way you do them. Even paid childcare professionals have their own way of doing things. Insist on the really important issues, everything else is not worth fighting over (though I do understand how difficult it is to not say anything).

It's made me feel anxious even reading all of that!

If I was looking after a baby (for free!) and the parent then gave me a laundry list of rules, a timetable of how my day was going to look, and wanted to micromanage the entire situation I'd be quickly backing away from the agreement.

Fair enough on the no honey before 12 mths and avoiding added salt but apart from that you either need to trust that MIL is capable of caring for your child without needing detailed instructions for exactly how you want it done, or pay someone.

Thanks for the replies everyone, going to leave it here now. I've spoken to DH who was more of the mindset of reminding about the routine and how we're feeding him. I said I think we just need to be reminding about the no sleep after 3pm thing please.

I don't think my garbled OP made clear I've been providing a bag of prepped food for the day. But we spoke and DH is going to check what she'd prefer, for us to continue providing food or not as that's where the confusion (and extra stress the evening before and day of) is happening. I've taken on board people telling me to chill out for one day a week and hopefully we can clear up what the expectation is for what I provide or don't, then at least I won't be having to throw away food that was prepped but unused.

To be clear, I don't expect anyone to get my child to nap or eat if he refuses, that's his problem! And absolutely MIL can go on holiday or be sick or have a break whenever she wants. To put it bluntly, it was more, okay if I'm sending a bag of prepped food and something else is being served instead, this is how I actually like to feed him - which I thought I'd avoid by sending food. My bad.

Said I'd leave it - had a great conversation with ChatGPT 😂 and feeling a lot more chilled how to approach it. Happy to let her sort food as she wants to, just no refined sugar. I couldn't articulate it well myself but the uncertainty of these days and the general no break rush of going back to work I think has triggered some health issues. The idea of doing way less prep, simple dinner like PB toast and banana on Grandma days and spending quality time with my son sounds amazing rn.

My child is at a childminder and she's great in fairness. One day a week my husband has him while I'm at work and many a evening I've had to give him a bowl of weetabix before bed because Daddy doesn't stuck to normal eating routine 😂

Honestly he will change so fast that the "routine" of feeding times just goes out the window eventually.

Just to say you really sound like a fantastic mum and a caring and kind DIL. You're juggling so much yet being careful not to upset anyone or hurt any feelings.

Don't doubt yourself too much... your opinions and preferences matter as much as anyone elses! And trust your gut when it comes to what's important for your baby.

It might be best to let DH take the lead on reinforcing the routine and foods with her.... she may well take it better from her own son (and be more inclined to follow requests).

Thank you for saying! I'm getting used to the idea for sure. Definitely taking on board the need to unclench. I really struggle with changes to routine and all/nothing thinking so it takes me a while to come around to an idea - especially with going back to work and feeling like I've carefully organised everything and it must all stay in its place or come crashing down. But I am exhausted! And everyone's right, he's safe and fed and he'll make up for it the next day if he's not eaten enough or snacked oddly.

Currently up overnight waiting for a 111 callback so the routine is 💩 for tomorrow anyway 😂