To (keep) asking MIL to follow baby's routine?

[ridl14]

What things would you reasonably expect family doing childcare to keep to?

Sorry really trying not to drip feed so it's a bit long!

I've recently gone back to work part time. Didn't get to choose my days and DC's (excellent) nursery doesn't yet have space on one of my working days. So, I'm very aware MIL is doing us a huge favour (we almost had to put him in a second nursery just to cover this day). We were and are prepared to pay for childcare for this day and are on the waitlist so DC would be in one nursery all my work days.

She is very happy to have this day doing childcare and is generally great - happy to go out for a walk with the pram in the rain for example, can handle crying.

AIBU however to keep gently trying to ask her to stick to the routine? I'm trying to keep mealtimes pretty consistent nursery/home. Baby is on 2 naps currently (possibly dropping to 1 atm), I've just asked that naps are offered (no issue now) but that he isn't allowed to sleep past around 3pm as he'll be up for 4.5-6+ hours after waking.

I am particular about his food (annoying FTM), I've said no sugar or honey (he's almost 1, MIL wasn't familiar with guidance) or salt. I've started giving the odd bit of food with stock which is fine but generally aim for low sodium. And some solid (whole) bits of fruit/veg with every meal.

I have been providing all food for the time he's there, we obv provided a cot, pram, all supplies and some toys.

He's only actually done 3 days there so far since I've gone back and every time there's been some confusion over the routine:

• trying to get him to nap between 3.30/4pm (twice - once would have been a 3rd nap)

• apparently giving lunch at 3pm (she said he was fed something else around normal lunchtime, I did check)

• giving different food (totally fine in theory but then he's been fed at odd times and it's then hard to gauge what he needs at home. The lunch at 3pm day he'd just eaten a veg muffin at 3, and I'd asked her to give him dinner that day around 3.30, which I'd packed. Had to then try him with dinner at home around 4.40/5, he didn't eat much but then demolished enormous breakfast and lunch the next day so I worried he was hungry just a bit later the day before.

• this is especially where I wonder if I'm being unreasonable, if I'm providing fruit/veg to go with meals, IABU to ask for it to be offered? Doesn't have to be eaten I just want to keep up the routine/exposure.

• lastly, the giving of other food. I thought it would be simpler and easier on her for me to just provide it but she's got other food ready for him each time. This week I checked the day before what she was planning so I wouldn't waste food myself. Then it feels like a bit of a debate/me being controlling. Before the first full day she asked if DS could have Heinz baby cereal that she'd already bought (I said no thanks, he just has normal oats) or fish fingers (I said hesitantly I guess, if the batter was taken off? Felt unsure about it and meant to tell her no after thinking about it, but I thought it was a hypothetical question for if he didn't have food packed one day). That first day I'd packed all his food and she gave him both normal oats and fish fingers. I've since found fish fingers are only recommended occasionally for babies so I've asked her to skip them and talked about how much he's enjoyed other home cooked food of hers.

I don't want to be overly controlling or an ungrateful bint of a DIL but I've gone over these things repeatedly and what I thought was clearly but gently. Other mums have mostly said IANBU but one said just don't ask questions as long as DC is safe and her family was up to all sorts with her kids. Should I let some or all of this stuff go?

You sound like a wonderful mum btw

Very fair. The thing is I do ask when I pick him up and the explanation of what he's eaten is often quite unclear. And I don't want to push too much when she's done us a favour as well.

I would love him to be in nursery for a third day, yes, it's right by my work so the family day adds an extra 20 mins at least each way. Nursery thinks he could do with more consistency to settle in better and their communication is really good. She's aware he's on the waiting list. When he gets a place, I'd go with her preference but ideally still give them some quality time every week, if not for the whole day.

if she enjoys so much making food for her grandkid, why wouldn’t she make something rather than reheat fish fingers? i assume here they are shop bought. i for one wouldn’t agree to this and would suggest something healthy.

Thank you! That's how I feel. We've found another homemade food she's happily giving him and I'm absolutely fine with it. It's a food from MIL's cuisine as well so both really happy with that.

Edit: just to add, I really thought me providing all his food would take some pressure off as well. I'm not trying to force extra effort on her part!

You could say the compensation of your baby being absolutely loved to pieces while with your MIL is worth some discrepancies with food. I would say try not to worry, it’s good of her to offer to do this childcare, good luck.

That's so kind of you to say, thank you so much 🫂

Read the OP!

My daughter had different routines on nursery and non nursery days and sometimes had an unexpected third nap when she would crawl up to her key worker at 4.30 and fall asleep on her knee. At home we could only get her to sleep by walking and not stopping. 🤷🏼‍♀️
As long as the food is ok from a safety pov I'd let things go.

We never did a strict routine in terms of at X time do this but we did things in the same order so we went for a nap straight after lunch etc. Her most crucial nap was this nap so we would be more flexible about what we did in the morning and slot the morning nap around whatever we were up to but the afternoon nap needed to come after food.

Maybe you could rewrite your preferences in terms of a pattern to the day. So instead of 12.00 lunch 13.00 nap put early afternoon nap, main meal before hand.

Very true! She dotes on him

When DGSs were very small they came to us with what we called the manual 🤣. The manual gave very detailed instructions written by DDiL which we followed to the letter (no matter how batshit - they aren’t our children). I found it helpful to have a manual to consult and using it meant everyone was happy and DDiL not worried about leaving them with us.

Would MIL be open to noting down what he had for food there for his distinct meals? It sounds like she's not doing meals but little and often. Would she be transparent if she had to write a short list down?
Why would she be adding a danger nap after being told a few times?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

She is just getting used to caring for him. She probably just wanted something quick and handy as a safe option in case she got overwhelmed.

I love that 😂 you sound amazing!

Very reasonable but I'd provided a bag of food for him, all prepared and ready to eat... That's why I've been confused!

The audacity of me if I'd expected her to provide him food but to my rigid specifications 😂

A day with grandma is much better than nursery. You mentioned he is not settled at nursery anyway. Try and reframe it in your head, he might not be eating what you want but he is happier. They will get into a routine eventually, it is still very early days. How old is MIL?

She does answer questions when I ask what he's had but it's quite vague and then I feel like I'm being pushy and controlling asking for detail.

Like when she said he had lunch at 3pm, I said do you mean dinner? "No, lunch". I said oh okay, what did he eat before then because his normal lunchtime is around 11.30...?

Another day she said he had XX but he had what you provided too. Then I basically unpack the food bag at home and try and work out what he's had or not

Edit: danger nap - we're not sure if she's just forgotten or if she's decided that's what he needs and is making a judgement call. She's very intelligent and says yes to all requests to follow the routine but then just isn't following some bits

You are coming across as super controlling. How fortunate you are that your MIL /child have a day together.
I appreciate that you are a FTM but please chill out

OP I say this kindly and gently as you genuinely seem lovely but YABU with everything other than the naps (I would have been murderous if someone made it so couldn't get my baby to bed!!).

I was a bit like you with my first but soon realised I was working myself up over nothing. As long as your baby is happy, fed and loved and you are getting free childcare with someone who loves him so very much, forget about it!

Try to let as much go as possible as she’s building a great relationship with him and that’ll be very handy for when you’re having number 2 and you don’t want to be worrying how number 1 is. Grandmas is always a slightly different routine but the ability to drop a child off at any hour of the day or night and not worry about them is priceless and much needed when you’ve got two

Were the people who agreed with you by any chance mainly FTMs with similar age children?

Some things are important to do right every single time (buckling up car seats). Somethings are important to do right most of the time but occasional variations are harmless (most food for small children is in this category).

The beige thing has nothing to do with not being offered veg with every meal.

Well it depends. I loved the evenings with mine and bed at 9 or 10 was fine as far as I was concerned.

Oh no I would hate that, trying to work out what DC has eaten and when, so you know whether or not they need a proper meal when you get them home.

I couldn't cope at all with the late nap, as surely anyone who has a child knows they could be up until 10pm.

I would find it difficult to trust the judgement of anyone who can't clearly say "we had a great day, DC ate lunch at X time, had a nap at Y time, and plenty to drink" . Surely that's just common sense?

Out of curiosity - do your nursery is sticking to all these instructions? Or do you leave them to do their own thing?

If I was MIL I'd be telling you to sort other childcare already...

Its, almost like you have no respect for her experience bringing up your partner?

I don't believe it's a lack of respect thing. Op is trying to work as a team with MIL and MIL sounds scatterbrained and disorganised. If lunch is at 11:30 how is he having it at 3? If MIL is not scatterbrained then she's going rogue every time and unable to explain being four hours behind routine and inserting a danger nap.

The nursery I used sometimes had workers that would go rogue and there's a bit of an unsettling feeling when I was trying to parent my kids and feeling out of whack with what they needed. They'd lie about giving my kids milk, they weaned them off dummies without telling me, all sorts. That trickling of unease of trying to settle my own baby and feeling like the rules had changed but nobody told me.

Obviously MIL is nothing like that, but it's still not good. Op isn't being controlling or domineering, she wants them to be on the same page and MIL isn't even picking up the book.

I would love more time with him when I've missed the day with him at work! It seems unfair though if he's skipped a nap in the daytime or just as we have to be up at 6 on work days, I want him to have enough sleep overnight