Direct report sent me a voice note feeling sorry for themselves

[Mistymeg]

AIBU. I’m not your mum. I’m your VP. She isn’t genZ, she is in her late 30s and is Director level.

We work at an American tech company, it’s beyond start up; hundreds of millions $$ turn over a year but still has the start up feel.

I’ve know this direct report from our last company but didn’t manage her. She started four months ago (I’m quite new too) and she has been off sick a good few times. Has two young kids and it’s been for a day or so but last week was most of the week.

On Monday she said she needed to go offline and was sick. I told her sorry to hear and let me know i could do anything. The next day she was back online, sounded awful in calls but she’s an adult (and director) I let her make her own decisions.

All of Wednesday she is offline, meetings cancelled, didn’t hear a word until Thursday when she sends me a long voice note on WhatsApp along the lines of….. sorry she’s been MIA, hasn’t known what to say, she stated that leaders are reliable and seemingly she has taken time off again for illness again. Told me it was flu and secondary bacterial sinus infection and needed antibiotics, that she just spoke to HR who encouraged her to get a GP note and keep me informed. Then spoke about her iron deficiency and that was the root cause of the immune system challenges. Even went into her iron levels and why it’s so bad with two young kids in flu season and how she feels so bad about missing work.

I get it totally but a single message would have been fine. I don’t need a long emotional WhatsApp voice note and GP note. I just need you to get better and let me know if I can take work while you’re gone. She said being a leader is showing the human side and that she’s never been so unwell in her life to catch flu then had the most excruciating head pressure due to the bacterial sinitius that followed, she stated we too work for a tech start up who has a value to ‘be human’ and not a big corporate bank. AIBU?

Yabu and I hope she sees your post about her sharing her private business with you, likely for wider context and understanding, on here. Also noted that you had the time to post it in your oh so busy working hours, BTW...

You are her manager that’s not just directing people about. She asking for support in her role and you should be looking at what you can put in place to get the best out of her. She’s been off a week she is giving detail.

She’s probably giving detail because she feels she has to after a week off!

It doesn’t sound like you have the skill set to managing people.

She has sent a voice note.

You have shared her personal health data with an internet forum to atempt to validate your work persona.

This.
Sounds like she would benefit from an executive coach if the company has the budget for it. It’s hugely beneficial to people in senior roles and especially if they are younger or new to the role. Suggest this.. it would stop her leaning on you and she would learn some new skills that might help her and her colleagues.

Why on earth have you posted here about this if you’re such an experienced senior professional?

Its clear she posted the message because she is having a hard time/feeling unwell.

The only response is “sorry you’re feeling unwell, I hope you feel better soon and don’t rush back until you’re ready.” Once she is back you can tell her the level of detail you need and signpost her to your companies support team as presumably they have some sort of outsourced company for this and follow the standard HR procedures based on the number and frequency of absences. It sounds like she also needs a mentor if she is relatively new to a more senior position, with respect that’s definitely not a job for you.

Two things here, yes she is having a lot of time off from what you say but she is messaging you, and trying to keep you in the loop and it sounds like it is frustrating you?

However, well certainly in the UK you can't just take the day off ill and tell your employer afterwards (unless you were unable to as you were unconscious etc). She is trying to keep you informed but in the UK the employee needs to speak with their boss on the first morning of their absence so maybe you need to set boundaries and ensure there is two way communication and you can ask questions that may inform the way forward. As in, is there any urgent work to cover, how long will you be off for etc. It’s not usually about mistrust; it’s about clarity, responsibility, and keeping things running smoothly. As the employer representative (her boss), you have a duty of care for your line reports, or would in the UK. It allows you to check on their well-being and to see if there are other issues at play here that you maybe able to help address.

‘Resilience’

What about ‘resilience’ of a manager posting outing shit online.

I'm glad I'm not in your team. As a manager you have a duty of care. Perhaps she went into a lot of detail - but maybe your attitude made her think she needed to - otherwise you'd think she was swinging the lead. You need to rethink your attitude.

You sound vile. HTHs.

This. But bad managers will label it as lack of resilience. 😂 They never look at themselves.

I’m a manager and would never treat any of my direct reports like this. I’d be messaging her or calling her back to tell her not to worry. You’ll be remembered for being a hard nosed bitch, not a nice way to be at all.

She just wants some sympathy. Why not give her some?

Are you a robot OP?

ok cat out of bag. I AM the direct report. I sent the voice note. I have been totally blanked since I sent it Thursday. I feel annoyed about it and initially wrote a post detailing the circumstances and how I sent the voice note as I had so much head pain I felt writing anything was an effort. I have been ambushed by AIBU before and knew the ‘unprofessional’ ‘she’s not your friend’ ‘id never send a voice note, too emotional, too much detail’ etc would come out.

I thought I’d rub the circumstance in reverse and really pressure test it.

thanks everyone. She is pretty robotic.

As I said in my last post, I would be extending your probation period. You don't really show Director mettel or traits.

@Mistymeg Reverses are annoying!

same question to you as to her

• how long was the voice note?

I wouldn't assume she is pissed off. She may not know what to do or how to respond - unfortunately, even basic manners have gone out of the window.

Hr told her to update you and provide the drs note, so thats what she did.
She probably feels really bad as hasnt been there that long and felt she needed to explain herself fully.
You can just say 'I am sorry you are so unwell, take the time you need to get better fully, no need to explain'
She is obviously worried that you think she is faking it and is having a hard time. Maybe she is the breadwinner and can not afford to get the sack so feels that she needs to explain.

I do not understand some of the terminology or attitude in this thread!

Look up psychological safety in leadership.
You will get the best out of people if you create a psychologically safe environment.
This ain't it.

Well thanks for wasting peoples time OP

I get you, OP - but it's probably best to make the right noises when required. Annoyingly, we're not all equally resilient!

Just seen the update. Sigh. Wondered if this was a reverse!