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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Direct report sent me a voice note feeling sorry for themselves

150 replies

Mistymeg · 10/02/2026 09:19

AIBU. I’m not your mum. I’m your VP. She isn’t genZ, she is in her late 30s and is Director level.

We work at an American tech company, it’s beyond start up; hundreds of millions $$ turn over a year but still has the start up feel.

I’ve know this direct report from our last company but didn’t manage her. She started four months ago (I’m quite new too) and she has been off sick a good few times. Has two young kids and it’s been for a day or so but last week was most of the week.

On Monday she said she needed to go offline and was sick. I told her sorry to hear and let me know i could do anything. The next day she was back online, sounded awful in calls but she’s an adult (and director) I let her make her own decisions.

All of Wednesday she is offline, meetings cancelled, didn’t hear a word until Thursday when she sends me a long voice note on WhatsApp along the lines of….. sorry she’s been MIA, hasn’t known what to say, she stated that leaders are reliable and seemingly she has taken time off again for illness again. Told me it was flu and secondary bacterial sinus infection and needed antibiotics, that she just spoke to HR who encouraged her to get a GP note and keep me informed. Then spoke about her iron deficiency and that was the root cause of the immune system challenges. Even went into her iron levels and why it’s so bad with two young kids in flu season and how she feels so bad about missing work.

I get it totally but a single message would have been fine. I don’t need a long emotional WhatsApp voice note and GP note. I just need you to get better and let me know if I can take work while you’re gone. She said being a leader is showing the human side and that she’s never been so unwell in her life to catch flu then had the most excruciating head pressure due to the bacterial sinitius that followed, she stated we too work for a tech start up who has a value to ‘be human’ and not a big corporate bank. AIBU?

OP posts:
Qikiqtarjuaq · 10/02/2026 10:10

Do you wonder why she felt the need to emphasise the importance of leaders being 'human' in her message?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/02/2026 10:11

I think as she's new she will be worried about her job / how she's perceived. She is probably just trying to demonstrate that she is not normally this ill, that she has taken steps to investigate and there is an underlying cause, and that she isn't the kind of person who just takes a load of time off because of a random sniffle.

Octavia64 · 10/02/2026 10:15

I personally don’t like voice notes but most of my workplaces have insisted I call in every day if sick. (I was once in hospital and they relaxed it then!)

sounds like she might need support.

gooeyeye · 10/02/2026 10:18

I just want to say sinus infections are one of the most painful things going, it’s relentless constant face ache and nothing takes it away

ArtificialStupidity · 10/02/2026 10:20

CmonBobby · 10/02/2026 09:29

I think you’ve taken the hard nosed take no shit boss bitch persona a tadge too far.

The people you manage are literally the reason part or all of your job exists. They aren’t pawns on a chessboard and people tend to try and move on from jobs where they are made to feel as if they are.

Of course we just want them to turn up and do their bloody jobs but we are all real people with our own lives. She’s clearly feeling very guilty and worried and anxious about all the time she’s taking off and is over explaining to get ahead of it. Be warm and gentle with her now and raise it as an issue if it is one when she’s back.

Some people need a bit more cosseting to get the best out of them, some take the piss, some like it totally professional. Your job is partly to figure that out. Don’t be so wedded to your own persona and self image you can’t adapt to get the best from your team.

Agree with all of this.

MajorProcrastination · 10/02/2026 10:21

BringonSpringnowplease · 10/02/2026 10:09

It was too much for you to listen to but yet posting it on here for others to take the time to read is perfectly reasonable..?

Haha - this! She's wasted my time but somehow I have the time to write a post about it to a bunch of mumsnet strangers.

ChalkOrCheese · 10/02/2026 10:32

As a leader, in the first instance I would have thought youd do well to model the way you want your interactions. So to the voice note you could just email or text a short reply saying "Sorry to hear you're unwell, sounds rotten. Thank you for the update, rest up and take care of yourself."

You don't have to engage with the detail over WhatsApp.

MajorProcrastination · 10/02/2026 10:32

Honestly struggling to work out what the problem is here. Is it that she's shared too much information? I get the impression that she's stressed about having to take so much time off and she feels rough and poorly. I think it would be helpful for her to here something like this from you

"I'm so sorry to hear you're unwell. You don't need to disclose any private medical information to me, don't worry. I hope you feel better soon. Go offline, get some proper rest and you only need to get in touch to let me know when you're able to come back. Please don't worry, we've got things covered for now."

Empathetic but really clear that you don't need any more comms.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 10/02/2026 10:36

MajorProcrastination · 10/02/2026 10:32

Honestly struggling to work out what the problem is here. Is it that she's shared too much information? I get the impression that she's stressed about having to take so much time off and she feels rough and poorly. I think it would be helpful for her to here something like this from you

"I'm so sorry to hear you're unwell. You don't need to disclose any private medical information to me, don't worry. I hope you feel better soon. Go offline, get some proper rest and you only need to get in touch to let me know when you're able to come back. Please don't worry, we've got things covered for now."

Empathetic but really clear that you don't need any more comms.

This. She sounds stressed, ill and burnt out. I've been there!

Hellohelga · 10/02/2026 10:37

I’m going to buck the trend and agree with you OP. She sounds very unprofessional. HR are quite right, she should get a sick note and keep you informed so you can plan for her absence. You don’t need the details of her illness, just that she’s too ill to work. If she wants to give you her sob story as a friend then that is one for over a coffee in the staff canteen. Doesn’t bode well for her resilience going forward.

Crazyfrog44 · 10/02/2026 10:44

YABU but...you sound like my best mate. She could have written your post. However, since being friends with me, she now knows her initial response isn't necessarily the appropriate one and she either things "what would crazfrog44 do/say" or "crazyfrog44 would probably completely over explain but that doesn't mean she is looking for sympathy or being inappropriate so I can apply that to this situation". She doesn't do the "fluffy" bits of work...but she's starting to realise she needs to sometimes.

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 10/02/2026 10:53

It's a pretty identifiable original post if she sees this, with all her medical conditions, job type, what type of company she works for etc.

Tell the direct report what format you want communication to be in?

I don't listen to voice notes, but the direct report (employee?) should know what channels to use for communication.

Qikiqtarjuaq · 10/02/2026 10:53

Hellohelga · 10/02/2026 10:37

I’m going to buck the trend and agree with you OP. She sounds very unprofessional. HR are quite right, she should get a sick note and keep you informed so you can plan for her absence. You don’t need the details of her illness, just that she’s too ill to work. If she wants to give you her sob story as a friend then that is one for over a coffee in the staff canteen. Doesn’t bode well for her resilience going forward.

Is there not scope within any reasonable definition of 'professionalism' for empathy?

AurielleBaies · 10/02/2026 10:57

She went about it tbe wrong way (I wouldn’t have sent a voice note personally) BUT she’s clearly feeling anxious about the time off and feel like she has to justify herself. She’s going through a rough time, cut her some slack.

OverheardBreakup · 10/02/2026 10:57

I think it’s quite telling how many times she’s mentioned that she’s showing her ‘human’ side and spoken about how ‘leaders are supposed to be’…. I think this perhaps implies (and from the language in your post) that you see your employees merely as ‘reports’ who need to put the effort in

Part of being a good leader is having emotional maturity and intuition to connect with your team and make them feel valued and cared for. If they don’t have that, they won’t stick around

QuietPiggy · 10/02/2026 11:02

You lost me at 'direct report'. If you use dehumanising language, people will think you need reminding that they are, in fact, human.

TorroFerney · 10/02/2026 11:05

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 10/02/2026 10:02

You actually sound callous.

Are you thinking this is a bad thing?! Agree op anyone who is so bloody self indulgent needs a word. We all feel sorry for ourselves but we don’t talk at someone in a voice note, or if we do we are self deprecating and say sorry at the end. As for the going to hr before she went to you, very odd and makes me think she’s covering her back.

LottieMary · 10/02/2026 11:06

Do you know I nearly sent a very similar voicemail to my manager this morning because I’ve had some time off, and am off for a few days - a stretch unheard of from me as I feel incredibly guilty having time off and feel I have to justify it in every way possible (including by dipping int work anyway from home). I stopped myself with a stern talking to; I’m a manager I’ve been there a long time and everyone knows both me and my work ethic. If they think less of me they can do one.

she however is new and you clearly don’t have a good view of her sickness record so shes
feeling defensive and probably worried and lovey, on top of feeling shit

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 10/02/2026 11:06

How exactly does this negatively impact you?

Original poster
Mistymeg · 10/02/2026 11:10

LottieMary · 10/02/2026 11:06

Do you know I nearly sent a very similar voicemail to my manager this morning because I’ve had some time off, and am off for a few days - a stretch unheard of from me as I feel incredibly guilty having time off and feel I have to justify it in every way possible (including by dipping int work anyway from home). I stopped myself with a stern talking to; I’m a manager I’ve been there a long time and everyone knows both me and my work ethic. If they think less of me they can do one.

she however is new and you clearly don’t have a good view of her sickness record so shes
feeling defensive and probably worried and lovey, on top of feeling shit

Why did you stop yourself? And how do you think your manager would have responded?

OP posts:
Hellohelga · 10/02/2026 11:12

Qikiqtarjuaq · 10/02/2026 10:53

Is there not scope within any reasonable definition of 'professionalism' for empathy?

Show quote history

OK first up she’s got a seasonal illness not cancer. Second, don’t see the OP as lacking empathy. Empathy in a professional environment means supporting someone’s need to take time off. Along the lines of…

Hi manager, I’ve got flu and won’t be in for a few days. I’ll drop a sick note to HR and I’ll be in touch with you in a couple of days with an update.
Sorry to hear that direct report. Take the time you need and keep me posted.

No one at work wants to hear the details of your illness or how hard your life is in their day to day. If it’s a situation where something is seriously impacting or going to impact your ability to do your job, and you need to discuss it in more detail, then booking a 1 to 1 is appropriate.

Hellohelga · 10/02/2026 11:15

QuietPiggy · 10/02/2026 11:02

You lost me at 'direct report'. If you use dehumanising language, people will think you need reminding that they are, in fact, human.

Normal office terminology. What replacement would you suggest? Subordinate?

ArtificialStupidity · 10/02/2026 11:20

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 10/02/2026 10:53

It's a pretty identifiable original post if she sees this, with all her medical conditions, job type, what type of company she works for etc.

Tell the direct report what format you want communication to be in?

I don't listen to voice notes, but the direct report (employee?) should know what channels to use for communication.

That's a really good point @Mistymeg I trust you changed a lot of the details before posting because otherwise this could be considered quite a serious breach of confidentiality/ data protection

Pigletin · 10/02/2026 11:22

I have a bit of a different take on this since I've had quite a few situations like this with people I have managed. Some people do need more time than others and more listening to than others but I think it's important to note that this is a professional relationship and there are certain things a manager can and cannot do in the position they are in. Can you imagine a man sending an emotional voice note to someone in a VP role about feeling unsure and unwell? On WhatsApp? It sounds really unprofessional.

I have also found some people are looking for you to make the decision of taking time off instead of owning it themselves. From an HR perspective only the employee (along with their doctor) can decide if they are sick and need time off or if they are healthy and need to be back at work. The manager cannot decide it for the employee. We can't put pressure on someone to take sick days and we can't pressure people back into work if they are not well, it goes both ways. It is the employee's responsibility to tell the manager that she is sick or not sick and whether she needs time off or not. And what the manager needs to do is offer support with the work and tell them that they will cover them while off sick. But the last thing you want is for someone to have a high number of sick days and then tell HR that their manager pushed them to stay home and the high number of sick days are the manager's fault because they asked them to be off. I have had this happen to me when let me tell you, it taught me a lesson about there being all kinds of people and some will take advantage if you let them.

Mulledjuice · 10/02/2026 11:23

she stated that leaders are reliable and seemingly she has taken time off again for illness again.

What does this mean?

I think she is telling you that despite clearly being not well enough for work and signed off by her GP she feels guilty. What could or should you as her leader do about that?

What does the culture in your organisation say?