4 year old never gets award

[DesperateDad80]

I just wanted to get others' thoughts. My DD is in reception and every Friday her school's weekly newsletter includes 3 awards per year group: perseverance, kindness and work of the week. We are now week 17, so there have been 51 awards handed out since September for her class of 30. My DD is yet to get a single one whereas lots of other children have received 2 or 3 by now. To make things worse, I think I've discovered that every Friday, these awards might be celebrated in a whole school assembly which would mean my DD has now sat through 17 assemblies without a mention. I am completely gutted and fed up with the sinking feeling I get every Friday when I check the newsletter again to see her overlooked. Her only school report this year was absolutely fine. Am I overreacting? Surely, when in reception, children shouldn't be left behind like this unless she's completely awful.

I personally don’t think this is ok - it sounds to me as it’s likely that she’s the only one in the class who has never received an award and she is bound to be somewhat aware at 4, even if not fully understanding. This means you can’t broach it with her, but rather the teachers as you mention you have done. Did you put it in writing before Christmas? If not, I would be looking to put it in writing - since you mentioned before Christmas, I would maybe wait until February half term or so, then you can email saying you are following up on your earlier discussion before Christmas and another half term has since passed without her receiving an award and all of her other classmates have. This has led you to be concerned about how she is progressing and you want to know what support you can give as a parent to help her achieve these awards, as well as what support they can give as a school to develop her skills for these awards. (or however you worded it before Christmas)
Always put in writing to document.
Hopefully they either reply with some feedback or will give her an award. But honestly, at 4 years old, I’d be expecting every child to have won at some point.

My DC is in year 2. During the reception year, awards were given out equally across all children. In year 1 by Christmas every child had received an award except my son. Some had received 5 awards by this point. This continued for months and when I mentioned it to my DC’s teacher she turned nasty on me and bad mouthed me to the after school club staff. This continued until July when my dc finally got an award. By this point my DC was saying that they didn’t want to go into school on a Friday when it was assembly. When I asked why it was because they never got an award. Now in year 2, no awards as yet this year. My dc hasn’t said anything. I haven’t mentioned it as I don’t want to upset them. My child is very bright but struggles with changes in routine possibly due to suspected and undiagnosed as yet autism. My dc is getting on better this year rather than last year but I am very disappointed that they don’t receive any kind of award whether a sticker or even just praise. Yet at parents evening they only concern they had was what I have mentioned above. After last year, I am not going to say anything to the teacher however if by Easter my child still hasn’t received any form of reward I will be speaking to the headteacher.

This. The ones who behave all the time don’t need the reinforcement. The ones who manage to sit down & not turn a table over for the first time get the star of the week shit. It’s rubbish but the way if the world

Have you specifically asked the teacher about the award?

It may be as simple as your daughter's name wasn't written on the award list, or has been ticked off accidentally.

The best thing is for your child to ask the teacher ‘what do I need to do to get an award’. This will bring them to them to the attention of the teacher and hopefully they will acknowledge that they haven’t had an award. Better coming from them than you.

I totally get this. It maybe depends on the child but some kids do notice. Yes it is good for them to experience a bit of disappointment sometimes and to see others succeed but when they are little they also need encouragement. My DD was the same and she’s the kind that noticed so was starting to say things like “I must not be very good at reading because x person got the star”.

I checked subtly whether it was random or if they kept a record (answer was they kept a record of one type of award but not the other). And I pointed out my DD hadn’t had one at parents evening. I was embarrassed - I literally said “I’m sorry to be THAT parent but I’ve just noticed that DD hasn’t ever had any stars or awards”. This was Summer term so only a few weeks left. Teacher said she hadn’t realised and she got one 2 weeks later.

The weird thing was the teacher was often sending me messages saying how well she had done at tasks or how kind she’d been but yet she never won.

i think I’m probably a bit sensitive to it as I was always overlooked myself at school and I do think it affected my self image.

Anyway I would say don’t worry about being unreasonable - it doesn’t really matter - if you think this is something your DD needs then advocate (in a nice way) for it x

I can assure you that parents PTA status is very far off my radar when choosing who gets an award. See also: who gets the lead in the school play, another rumour on here that regularly gets spread.

And as for voluntary donations 😂 I’ve never worked in a school where that happened, or if it did I certainly wasn’t party to it as a class teacher, and it wouldn’t has made me give their the maths certificate that week.

Have to agree on the other categories though - basically the kids that stand out either for being really good or really naughty. Which is why I always had a list to make sure I included everyone and no one was forgotten just because they’re a quieter character and behave well.

But there's a huge difference between a 14 year old and a 4 year old and a huge difference between just the end of year one person wins award and a weekly some kids have won 3 already award.

I have friends and family members who went to school during the 70s and 80s. As long as you kept quiet, didn't rock the boat you could easily make it through junior and senior school and leave illiterate. I suffer from being a very very poor speller, it's clearly something dyslexic but because I can read and write well it was never addressed.

What I am trying to say is that the school are failing this child by not once celebrating her achievements.... whilst celebrating everyone else's

Any reasonable reception teacher fills in 30 names on the 30 certificates at the beginning of term. Fills in a childs( or two or three) achievements every Friday. Then starts again when all the certificates are gone. Nobody missed out. Everybody happy.

Yes exactly.
She’s just a 4 year old girl , it’s not an achievement thing , it’s supposed to be a nice thing they do for all the children.
Everyone gets a turn , everyone gets celebrated & gets to feel a little triumph.
I actually can’t believe the amount of posters here that think it’s a competition & don’t get what it’s about at all .

Sounds like school where a pupil can get an award just for breathing.

This number of awards is truly staggering.

I'm completely against these generic awards at that age. A once a year award for the top result in maths or something ok, but "nothingness" awards are just counterproductive .
I felt the same as you re: my sinilar-aged dc until out of nowhere thry got two "star of the week " in a row. Queue floods of tears now every week they don't get it as they just don't understand the concept. Once they got an incident form for a bump on the head which was handed out right after the awards and were just as proud as for star of the week as they got a piece of paper to feel.special about.
I'd rather not deal with the drama, it's not worth it.

Totally agree with this.
it was the same for my DC -although tbf at primary they did get ‘star of the week ‘ at some point during the year as they just rotated the names.
What pissede off more was at secondary - and annoyed them too - no prizes at prize days except for one of them finally got a prize post-leaving (was a sort of grad leaving ceremony) , but didn’t actually receive it in person cos it was covid!

Both DC v academic as well. Youngest never got a prize despite GCSEs at 7-9 across the board and straight A*s at A level.

Strap in hard, OP!!

As its reception they probably won’t have done it for the first couple of weeks while they settle in
then October half term and Christmas break
she has got until the end of July to get an award and everyone gets the chance to be rewarded or recognised for something
our school usually only has one person per class each week

This happened to my son - and literally a third of the kids in his class in year 1. They give out 'dojo' points and you get celebrated at assembly when you get to 100. When my son finally got to 100, I turned up to see basically a third of the other parents in his class - it was really clear that these were the 'mediocre' kids who didn't get them for being amazing, or as a reward for not behaving badly. It was soul crushing, actually.

😂

I remember in reception DD suddenly started bringing home loads of “books” she’d made with elaborate stories and lots of sellotape. She was making them at night too to take in, her output was insane.

She got an award in assembly at the end of that week for “her incredible storytelling”, told us she knew she’d get it as she’d worked out the system and planned the whole thing. No more books were made lol.

Well thankfully the idea is to encourage not to teach them a very tough life lesson at a very young age

I was laughing at the idea of describing a four year old child as 'mediocre' - what on earth do people expect children to be doing at that age??

I know - me too - it’s quite scary isn’t it

Please, take this from a mother of 4 who has been through the primary school thing 3 times now (my youngest will be starting next year). Not trying to be patronising by saying that. You're getting overly invested in this, and you're making it about you and your anxieties, which you need to be careful not to pass on to her.

You have already raised it. I'd give it a while longer before saying anything again. It's likely she receives plenty of praise in other contexts at school.

It's basically just a sticker or a piece of paper. Her time will come, anyway.

Although I agree with this, as a parent of 3 children who've been through primary and as a former Reception teacher - be the pushy parent!
Don't be afraid to say 'my child hasn't had an award yet and is upset about it'.
It doesn't matter if the teacher likes you or not, don't worry about being labelled that parent.
The squeaky wheel gets oiled at primary school, and you have to stick up for your kid first and foremost - no one else will.

It's good to hear from some actual primary school teachers that they have systems to ensure all children receive this encouragement. If only this was the case everywhere. My DTwins attended an apparently idyllic village school in Hampshire and the levels of favouritism were breathtaking. We had year groups of c10 and a fortnightly Superstar award per class, always with different criteria. It was always the kids from the 'In' group who received them, the same kids time after time. The teachers used to complain to me that my sons asked too many questions and put their hands up too often. I think what they really didn't like was that they had a muddy walk to school (plus a den along the route) and turned up looking like they had had fun on the way to school rather than emerging pristine from a Volvo at the school gate. DTwins were never singled out for parts, recognition or to represent the school- it became a running joke in the family and amongst the 'Out' group of parents.

Some schools are just like that, @DesperateDad80 I don't think it holds kids back or ruins their confidence so long as they get encouragement and praise from their parents and other significant adults.

Has the teacher explained the rationale behind the awards? Some might be given out purely on merit, so if your DD is a steady "plodder" who always completes the task but not exceptionally so then she might not stand out (against a background of children who do). She might just be missing the mark if other kids are suddenly making great progress with something they've struggled with and that's being recognised. If it's on a rota system where the aim is to ensure all children get an award for something, no matter how tenuous the link to achievement is, then she might have been inadvertently missed off the list.

I don't think your DD will be only one who hasn't had any yet, there will be some others who haven't either unless it's simply a rota system and she's been mistakenly left off?

I would definitely raise it politely with the teacher if your DD is getting increasingly despondent over it, whichever system they're using, and stress that your DD is getting unmotivated as no matter how hard she tries, she feels she's not good enough to earn an award. As PPs have said, they can always find something to praise, it shouldn't be that hard!

Is she actually making any effort to win? Is she purposefully being kinder, perservering with hard tasks or working hard in order to win or does she just expect to be given an award without doing anything to get it?

Speak to the teacher and ask if there’s anything DD could focus on to try to achieve the award as she hasn’t had one yet (this lets teacher know but doesn’t assume she should be given one without trying). Then speak to DD about what was mentioned so when she does win it’s FOR something and not just box ticking everyone’s name off a list.

Teach her HOW to win not that everyone SHOULD win.