4 year old never gets award

[DesperateDad80]

I just wanted to get others' thoughts. My DD is in reception and every Friday her school's weekly newsletter includes 3 awards per year group: perseverance, kindness and work of the week. We are now week 17, so there have been 51 awards handed out since September for her class of 30. My DD is yet to get a single one whereas lots of other children have received 2 or 3 by now. To make things worse, I think I've discovered that every Friday, these awards might be celebrated in a whole school assembly which would mean my DD has now sat through 17 assemblies without a mention. I am completely gutted and fed up with the sinking feeling I get every Friday when I check the newsletter again to see her overlooked. Her only school report this year was absolutely fine. Am I overreacting? Surely, when in reception, children shouldn't be left behind like this unless she's completely awful.

I think people mistake correlation and causation. Kids with parents on the PTA = kids whose parents are invested in their education, aka those who read with them every night, do the homework together, help them practice and learn lines etc. So the kids perform well and get awards and parts in plays etc because they are confident, doing well academically and well behaved (generally).

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at that. How depressing.

OP no harm raising it. You can do it without being ‘pushy’.

I was a straight A student the entire way through school, took part in loads of extra curricular activities, represented the school in a number of competitions.. I was the only person in my year who never received a prize at prizegiving (held annually). I’m still bitter now! Do speak to the school!

Do raise it with the school. It will be having an impact on her self esteem. They introduced certificates, 3 each week per year group if I remember correctly, when I was in year 5. I didn't get a single one. I was a very middle-of-the-road sort of kid, and it was always the trouble makers, academically struggling and high achievers who got them. Within the last few weeks of year 6 I mentioned it to the TA, conversationally, I certainly wasn't hinting, and she was shocked. She organised for me to have a special one which was really sweet of her. These things are never 'fair' but I should imagine there's been some sort of oversight and the teacher doesn't realise she's being excluded, so please do say something.

Hmm - she might just be mediocre, like most of us...

Or you have said she is "cheeky" a LOT. She might be a bit of a bother, in which case she isn't going to get rewarded.

What happens when she is "cheeky" in your presence? Does she know that is NOT OKAY?

Those are your insecurities speaking, and nothing to do with your child.

I remember as a supply teacher watching a Friday assembly where a child from each class went to the front to get the weekly award. A little girl next to me sighed: "It's always the naughty ones, isn't it, Miss?"

Yes think you’re right. I was going to post something similar but couldn’t quite organise my thinking in to words. But you’ve put it very well.

Primary teacher here. Leaving a child out like this is very unusual. Usually a teacher is hunting desperately for something for which a child who hasn’t received an award yet can be given one (though that doesn’t sound like your child). My guess is that it’s a mistake of some sort, e.g. her name got accidentally left off the list where the teacher keeps track of who’s had an award (at least, that’s what a decent teacher does).

I’d advise mentioning it to the teacher in a non-accusatory sort of way, e.g. "Is there anything I can help Delilah with, to make it more likely for her to ever get a class award?"

Did you phrase it as though you were asking how you could support her learning at home, or did you very clearly reference the Friday awards/ assembly/ newsletter? Some times you just need to be very specific.

The teachers response seems to indicate you were not being clear that you were asking about the awards.

You will learn as your child goes through school that it is better to be very specific in dealings with school, often it is useful to follow up with something concrete, like an email or a note.Teachers are holding lots of information in their heads and verbal information can easily be forgotten.

Wow, I didn't realise not being on the PTA was indicative of not being invested in my children's education, not reading to them, not supporting them in their learning, not helping them practice. I always thought PTA involvement was a sign of being gregarious with other parents and good at organising events. It's really great that some parents are able and willing to devote time and energy to fundraising. And it wouldn't be hugely surprising if the school staff's natural appreciation for PTA efforts was converted into subliminal favouritism for those families and their children. But please don't conflate PTA activity with superior parenting.

That’s not what she said.

It is true that being active in the PTA usually correlates with being active in your child’s education.

No one said that you can’t also be active in your child’s education without being part of the PTA.

Perhaps she's not getting an award as she being very "cheeky" at school.

Stop telling people to let it go - as if you have some kind of higher parenting knowledge and know this isn’t an issue. It’s an issue for OP and some children are sensitive and do pick up on this kind of unfair situation.

OP - you’ve raised it. I would give it until March then raise it again - this time requesting that your daughter gets it soon so that she doesn’t lose her motivation and confidence.

What is the point of having behaviour mechanisms if children can’t fairly participate? Either they’re genuinely winning them off merits or it’s rotational. It’s not fair to just award to those kids who “need” the extra boost. Lots of well behaved quieter kids also need a boost every now and then.

Why not give her awards at home - once a week / month - something she's done really well without you coaching her or giving her an inkling in advance. We often used to carry things on from school to at home. Bless her

Someone may have, somewhere...

However, when you see the looks on their faces when nice things are said about them in front of the school, then you realise the impact it can have.

Also, they can be given quite strategically, praising the behaviour/achievement in this way, (eg, unusally neat presentation in one piece of work when the child is usually a bit disorganised in their handwriting) can definitely have an impact on their effort with presentation subsequently.
I wrote one of these only last week and it has definitely had a good effect on the child in question.
With children who do not behave particularly well, I would usually give the award for something that they have achieved well in academically, rather than anything to do with a random day of good behaviour.

This happened to my dc who was desperate for an award. When he finally got one I mentioned to the teacher how he had felt, just in passing conversation. The teacher was mortified he had missed out for so long. So maybe mention it if it goes on much longer.

Whoa thats quite an angry response - are you okay?

It just flags up how meaningless these awards are, if they are done on rotation. The other scenario is that the awards are given to children who need additional encouragement ( Well done to Benji who sat through a whole carpet session without hitting his classmate). Your DD is presumably kind and well-behaved and is passing below the radar.. not always a bad thing.
If DD thinks it's unfair, (as opposed to you) then have a word with her teacher. It's unlikely to be deliberate, or if it is, then there are concerns which you should be made aware of.

Indeed. I know of at least two children of PTA parents who behave like entitled, uneducated bullies. Very affluent backgrounds, wealthy parents. Have been tearaways since the age of 6.

I actually think you're right to raise it, op. It doesn't sound fair at all. I'd probably raise it very quietly though, and not display your disappointment to your dd. Lots of girls end up with performance related perfectionism. Don't pass any anxieties onto her about this.

At 4 years old by this point in the term they should have been able to give her an award for something- being a good friend, listening well, helping the teacher etc. They are being mean leaving her out like this. I would contact school and ask what does she need to improve on to get an award given that 50 something have been handed out and she’s not had one. I’m fairly confident she will then get one the following week.

Hmm, perhaps. I do think the emphasis on corelation rather than causation is flawed though if we have parents doing all those good things but not on the PTA, whose children are consistently overlooked for awards and recognition. I'm not saying that's the case always or everywhere, but I'm convinced I've seen that favouritism at play.
Maybe there's an alternative dynamic at work where PTA corelate to 'In group' and non-PTA corelate to 'Out group'.
My DC moved to the Independent sector from Y4 where there was no PTA and the parents were much less of a presence in and around the school. From that point on the recognition for children was much more about their actual ability and achievements.

Meaningless to you perhaps. But for some children, the ones whose parents don’t take them to swimming, gymnastics,chess club, ice skating,football training,ballet etc etc a printed certificate with their name spelled correctly , recording that they were kind and helpful to a new child in the class ( other awards are available) may be the only physical validation of their effort or achievement that they get.

Never underestimate the poverty of some children’s lived experience. It is easy to assume that all children are valued and praised at home, many are not.

in my experience a lot of the times the awards get given to the kid who is a complete nightmare, but has had 2 days in a row without biting another kid.