AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

This has got to be a reverse surely.

Is this a reverse where your new partner does these things with your daughter and your ex is saying it’s inappropriate?

I’m not sure what a reverse is. I’ll be honest I thought people on a mums group would be more understanding of my pain. Probably made it sound worse in my head than it is but I still wish if he was going to have a best friend it would be me.

Yabu. How lovely for DS to have many adults love him, she is definitely family.
I totally understand that it would hurt you. It would hurt me too. It must be difficult but there is nothing you can do about it.

You don’t ’let’ his dad have him, and frankly what they do when he’s with them is entirely up to them. Imagine they started dictating what you did on your days?

The stepmum sounds great BTW. I think you’ve gone for a pattern that suited you to have the weekends off (did you not work too?) which means you and your DS are spending very little quality time together. I also can’t believe you’ve not holidayed with him either. No wonder he seems to prefer and have a better relationship with his stepmother.
I’m also struggling to understand how you don’t know the school mums given you collect more often than not.
Sorry OP, I think you need to take responsibility for the situation you’ve slept-walked in to (which feels like it was due to laziness and prioritising your down time) - trying to curtail your DS’s relationship with his stepmother is not the answer.

This is really sad.

From your first post I felt sure it was a reverse.

But turns out it isn’t.

You are jealous though, which I also suspected.

And I can understand why.

It sounds like she’s a really good stepmum to your son.

And sadly, I think you’ve made some bad choices which have meant you don’t measure up so well.

Letting him spend all weekends there so that you could go out with your friends. Going on holiday with your friends instead of with your son.

I’m sorry, but this is the issue. Not the step mum.

I hope you can rebuild something with your son. First thing would be to reconsider where he spends his time. Just seeing him before and after school isn’t enough.

Stop worrying about what she's doing and start worrying about what you're doing.

When do you spend quality time with him, doing things he wants to do?

Half term is coming up and Easter not too long after.

Why don't you arrange to take some time off and do something nice with him, if you haven't already?

You need to focus on building your relationship with him. And you do that by putting him first and spending quality time with him, NOT by being jealous of, or spoiling his relationship with his step mother.

Not so much formal perhaps, as unassertive and lacking in confidence? You don't invite your child on holiday but tell him. You could sit down with him and have fun planning a holiday together? Maybe get used to spending more doewntime with him - can you have him for weekends sometimes? Why does he spend every weekend away from you?

The “best friend” and the cuddling might be a bit weird, but nothing wrong with any of the rest of
it. Is your son particularly young/immature for his age? Just because I would have thought it’s not really that common for 9 year old boys to sit cuddling anyone, whether that’s a parent or any other adult. But I wouldn’t call it “inappropriate” or anything like that.

How can you be his best friend when you don’t spend any proper time with him? An hour or so before and a couple of hours after school are not going to make a close relationship.

Because her daughter goes to the same school she’s there more than I am. I only pick up 3 days a week but she does it 5. It’s not my fault she’s built that relationship.

Are you for real ? Your child has a wonderful step mum whoa frilly seem to love him to bits and you think it’s not appropriate because you don’t have it in yourself to share him a little bit ? He is lucky that he has someone else that he loves and considers important. Deal with your own feelings but don’t try and ruin your child’s clearly important relationship

Nope, nothing inappropriate here. Your lucky son has a wonderful stepmum and extra grandparents who love him and treat him as their own. Just as anyone might hope would happen when their partner gets a new partner.
You’re jealous of their relationship which is a valid thing to feel, but she is not and never will be his birth mum, that’s your role alone. Enjoy your son, take him on holiday, do things with him that he wants to do (not just the things you want to do perhaps?) I’m sure he loves you just as much and probably more.

But she spends more time with him than you do? Every weekend! Of course he is going to feel closer to her.

Sometimes op you do things as a parent that you don’t particularly enjoy. It’s called parenting.
we’re off to Butlins this weekend. Not my idea of fun but my little ones absolutely love it. I also wouldn’t be holidaying at haven and eurocamp if I didn’t have kids but again they love it and it suits our family.
You can holiday with friends and your son too. Even if he goes away with his dad for 4 weeks, there are another 48’weeks in the year where you could take him 🙄

You're barely being his mum

Why on earth would you want to be his best friend?

This is why people thought it was a reverse as there is nothing you have said that would make your son want to be your best friend. Friendship is earned and as it stands you'll be lucky to have a relationship come 10 years time let alone a friendship

There’s so many variables of what is actually happening here but I refuse to believe you’re the mother of this child who hates that he has somebody in his life who clearly loves him.

This woman has been in his life since he was 3, she clearly dotes on him and he loves her for it, as any child would.

I wish my daughter’s step-Mum was like this.

So you’d rather spend your weekends going out with your mates. You’d rather go abroad with your mates because your son doesn’t like being round a pool.

Yeah, your son’s stepmum isn’t the problem here.

But you could have built up a relationship with the other parents. Why haven't you?

If you want a closer relationship you need to centre his needs before yours. You'll also need to take on some weekends to do fun stuff with your son. It's not a surprise he prefers to be with his dad and stepmum when they do things that he wants to do. You can be a fun, caring parent too.

I haven't rtft but have read your updates.

You have ended up in a situation where your ex has all the quality time and you have all the drudge time. I would seek to change that so you get a Saturday or Sunday spend that day focusing on your DS, doing fun stuff.

Re holidays, when you have kids, hoidays are more for them not you (especially if you're a single parent when they're absolutely exhausting). Suggest thinking of something your DS would enjoy, maybe 3/4 nights, arrange it and tell him - you"re his mum you don't need to invite him.

And when you do that pick up, are you inviting DS's friends over to play?

As someone who is in a parent / step parent / blended family situation I think YABU sorry.

It sounds like she and your ex are making plans and arrangements that suit him and of course he will enjoy that. If my best friend wanted to do a weekend at a theme park id be there even though its not my thing because that's what best friends do IMO. Kids don't relax around pools until they grow up so you have quite a wait on that one.

Id be thrilled that my child was so loved and accepted by someone.

Then maybe you should have tried a bit harder. Assuming this isn’t a reverse when it very much sounds like one.

you prioritised going at at the weekend to spending time with your son. You prioritised the sort of holidays you like rather than compromising and helping your son explore his interests. You didn’t ask to rearrange contact once your son started school so that you could see him at least some weekends.

You just come across very whiny, just like you would if this was a reverse. But you say you don’t know what one is……