AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

It sounds like they have a lovely relationship and see each other as family, which is the best possible thing for your child in this situation. He can love you both, loving her doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Unfortunately there is very little on here that brings sympathy to the OP.
I don’t know any mother who wouldn’t feel hurt and rejected by this situation, it is lovely for DS, not so lovely for you. No one has a baby expecting to be a part time parent.
Would you have another baby OP? Before anyone jumps on me, babies aren’t always a bad thing.

Do you work OP?

I think you need to read your posts back - your ex and his wife have put in all the hard work at the weekends when you preferred to be with your mates (you choose them over your DS??)

He wants to go on kid friendly holidays with his Dad, as apparently you say he is hard work on holiday - because he doesn’t want to do what you want too!! Come on not many 9 yos want to lie by the pool!! how boring!!!

Your ex and his wife have made an effort to know DS’s friends- and you are moaning because she wanted your DS to have a relationship with his step sister before anyone else met her (which I think is lovely), they love each other and your DS feels safe and supported in their home.

I suggest you have a long hard look at whats going on and change your thinking before your DS decides to be with his Dad and his step mum permanently.

You won't even com0romise and go on the type of holiday a young boy might enjoy?

I understand you’re hurt, OP, and you’re jealous of their close relationship. I can imagine that feels very painful. But you’ve let them have all the quality time with him over the last 6 years because it suited you then, and have left none for you and your son together to build your own close relationship. Of course he’s going to be closer to them, he never sees you beyond school runs mid week. Her relationship with him sounds lovely, be grateful she’s one of the good ones for your son’s sake! She’s done nothing wrong.

You need to turn this around and the only way really is for your contact arrangements to change so that it’s more evenly split, and you get some weekends and holidays to go and do fun things with him.

i have to say though, as a parent, holidays aren’t relaxing because you have to keep them entertained. It’s never just relaxing by the pool, that’s so boring for a child - you’re in the pool playing with them at least. They’re not young for long, it’s about their needs not yours. Why wouldn’t you do a city break with him or a theme park? It might be a really fun thing to help you reconnect. You do sound a little selfish to be honest. You can’t have it both ways, and want a close relationship but not put the time or effort in.

I also thought this was a reverse 😂

Sounds like a situation of your own making. Why would you only want your son weekdays and not weekends? He spends all the fun time with his dad and step-mum. He obviously is going to prefer that.

One issue I can see is that you don’t have him at all at weekends when more of the fun stuff occurs. Maybe that is something to address, but it is difficult when everyone is settled in a routine. Is it possible to change that without causing disruption to clubs/activties? Even if one week a month he spent the weekend with you so that you could have fun rather than the school routine.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum

Apart from your big list of issues.

It IS your fault.

You said in an earlier reply dad has him every weekend because you like to go out and party on the weekends. If you had been willing to give that up (every other weekend even) then your son would have spent more quality time with you, not just before school and after 3 days a week.

Just caught up with your posts. You set up a life that prioritised you, not DS. Examples, you wanted to go out so gave them every weekend, not even every other. Which parent chooses a holiday based on only their own needs, then is surprised when DS doesn't want to go with them? Your posts are all about what you want.
Can you not see that this is down to you, not his DSM and DF?

We don’t know that the son prefers his stepmother, only that the OP is insecure about their closeness.

the difference with what other people wrote is that, while other people have (rightly) said she is feeling jealous, your post implies she ought to feel that way and any insecurities are justified. We don’t know that at all.

I’m pretty sure that when he’s with his SM and Dad it’s mum this and mum that. There really is nothing to be jealous of. He’ll always love you as his mum and his SM as a best friend.

Try to be excited for him that he’s enjoying his time with them and if she’s as nice as he thinks she is, she’ll be doing the same when he shares the stuff you do together.

Liaise with them over holiday plans before putting them to your son, so he’s not in a position to have to choose. He won’t like that as much as you not liking his choice. He can do both holidays then with ALL parents.

Take it from someone who had a SM that never wanted me around, or at least that’s what my mum told me, I was oblivious to it. Your son is a very very lucky boy that he has two separate wonderful families who care deeply for him, embrace it and throw those ugly jealous feelings away, as they’ll destroy you.

I’ve just caught up with your more recent posts OP. Mothers aren’t supposed to be best friends, they are supposed to be mothers. You want to think yourself lucky she hasn’t tried to step into being his mother, just his best friend.

I can understand you feeling you are ‘losing him’ but it’s not a contest. There aren’t winners and losers among the parents.

Step-mother and his Dad presumably spend a lot more ‘quality time’ with him as he’s there most of the weekends so they will likely have more contact with his friends’ families too.

It’s interesting you were happy for Dad to have him every weekend when it suited you to go out at the weekends but now he has a stable and happy relationship with his Dad, Step-mother, and sister, who are his family, you feel left out.

For information, a huge percentage of Every Other Weekend Dads work during the week but their children’s mothers realise weekend time is precious and expect to share weekends. You didn’t because it suited you to go out at weekends. His Dad took his chance to see his son every weekend while you partied. Did you drop the rope or just not realise that your fun weekends and holidays would come back to bite you on the bum ?

Their financial position is irrelevant; you can’t buy time and love.

Sorry, you may not be able to, in your parlance, ‘win’ him back. At least he still sees you but don’t blame him for declining to go on holiday with you when you’ve only just realised you want to take him on holiday. Why the change now ? You don’t even seem to want to give him a holiday he would enjoy, only one you would enjoy, why ?

I’m not sure it would be a good idea to pursue having him some weekends now because he is in such an established routine he may resent being away from what he regards as his family.

You may think I’m being harsh but, from the information you have given, it’s how it looks from this angle. If you were a father who had placed fun weekends and holidays with friends above their child for years but then complained another man had stepped into being their child's best friend or even parent they would be slaughtered on Mumsnet.

dont seem to be getting a response to this…

What a lovely lady! Your son's step mother is just what I aspire to be as a foster mother. I only hope I do a good of a job of making the children in my care feel as loved and secure as she does - often while birth families try and make trouble behind the scenes.

I’m so sorry OP but seems like you reaped what you sowed here. You allowed your son to live at his dads EVERY WEEK Thursday to Sunday? Because you “liked going out weekends” You allowed him to go away with them for FOUR WEEKS at a time… What did you think was going to happen when he started school and would have less and less time with you?

Apart from school hols, he spends Sunday evening with you, then Monday Tuesday Weds evening. The rest at school or getting ready for school. Whereas he gets Thursday evening, Friday evening all day Saturday and all of Sunday morning. Hell would feeeze over before I agreed to any of the above. I’d be fighting for as much free time as possible with my kid, sorry!

Love isn’t finite OP - it doesn’t take anything away from you

he sounds very lucky

makes a change from usual step parent stories we hear

I feel this post pretty much nails it.

It seems like when he was younger, you prioritised your social life/going out and the kind of holiday you enjoy, and dad and step mum prioritised your son and spending quality, child-friendly time with him.

I don't really enjoy them parks or holidays with lots of water parks or kiddie activities, but it's what you do with kids (with maybe some bits you enjoy too).

It's not too late to try and get it back though. Ask dad to swap to having every other weekend so you can have some proper down time with him too and do stuff with him that you know he'll enjoy. Read with him, spend quality time with him and manbe find something he doesn't already do and make it "your special thing".

Rather than be jealous of the person who has already put the work in, you can make the necessary changes and have that special relationship with your son as well.

This is on you, really. Surely you could have found it within yourself to have a holiday your son enjoys instead of it being solely about you.

I dislike all inclusive/beach type holidays and I’m prepared to power through them for my boyfriend, let alone for my child.

YABU

You should be happy they have such a good relationship.

I agree with a lot of PPs. It’s telling that your ex has him every weekend partly because you wanted to go out every weekend and you said he didn’t want to do your preferred holiday- surely with children you plan holidays around them?

She sounds like a lovely step mum. I suspect you’re feeling guilty that you’re not doing more.

he keeps saying no

So, if you want it bad enough then you (and your ex?) will have to persuade him to give it a go. He obviously much prefers the month in France option. Yes, you are getting sidelined in the nicest possible way so think hard about how you can build a better relationship with your son so he wants to be with you more, go on holidays and daytrips with you etc. Basically you're being outperformed! Is it too late?

The son doesn't want to go on holiday with OP but happily goes with his step mum! Id say that's a pretty big preference!

I was not implying that she ought to feel jealous. It was a statement , an observation. She is free to disagree with me. Only she knows what she thinks and feels.