AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

Is this a reverse?

I feel people are not understanding what I’m saying. This woman is trying to be his mum. She can be polite and not be nasty but she shouldn’t be spending time alone with him. I don’t let his dad have him for dad to not even be around. It’s ridiculous, for example one Saturday a month she and my son have a day just the 2 of them. When I asked my husband to explain why he isn’t with him he responded by saying he spends one Saturday a month with daughter alone so build a daddy daughter bond. Where’s the father son time and father son bond?

This is mainly down to you though, isn't it? You'd preferred going out at the weekend so you don't get proper quality time with your son. He's so bonded with his dad and stepmum because of all the quality time he's had with them. Same with his mates and their families. This has GOT to be a reverse.

Your son is a very lucky boy to have a step mum like her and the relationship he has with her. It’s not inappropriate at all, sounds a loving relationship. She’s been apart of his life since he was 3 and she is playing a second mum role. It is hard to see a child being closer to someone else especially a step parent but you just need to try see the positives… another person to love him, he obviously feels safe and cared for

Of course a 9 year old boy doesn't want to relax beside the pool!!

Sounds like she is a good loving person and stepmom who cares about him as much as you do. I would be grateful that he has a loving step mom tbh.
You sound jealous?

Sorry, yabu, many mum's would be over the moon that a stepmum was so kind and caring towards their child. It sounds like a successful blended family to me

This has to be a reverse because I don’t believe you’re that unaware of your own behaviour with your son that you don’t understand why he had that relationship with his stepmother.
If you choose to go out with your friends every weekend and go on holiday with them every year for 9 years , while not even bothering to do a weekend in a theme park because you don’t like that then it’s not really surprising he likes to be with them. He’s built a strong bond with her and there’s no point being jealous now.

Brutally Honest - Your son is lucky he's got a stepmum like her because it doesn't sound like you're much of one to him. 'Inviting' him on holiday, wow how bloody big of you 🙄 you're jealous because he likes her more, I can't say I blame him tbh.

Well, you're not trying to be his mum. So I guess thank goodness someone is.

And yes, his dad probably should be spending one on one time with him. But you don't spend any quality time with your son so again, he's lucky someone does.

You don’t have a monopoly on love. Would you rather she was an arsehole to him? Grow up

Yes, YABU unreasonable to write such utter nonsense. Come on now. 🙄

how lucky your son is to have an 'extra' parent who seems to love him as much as she loves her own child.

Do YOU not want to spend any time with him on the weekends? Perhaps you could strengthen the bond then with some days out or activities if you're worried about being userped!

not unreasonable for step mum to spend a day with him a month as he's with them every single weekend! How would his dad ever get one on one time on a weekend with his daughter without the step mum stepping up?

Find something else to get up in arms about.

If you try to interfere with this lovely relationship you will find in the next couple of years he will want to go live with his dad full time. Put his needs first rather than your feelings.

She sounds like she is more of a mum to him that you have been though. She has been there at the weekends through the hard early years, you have chosen to go off with mates.
She has made an effort to know the school mums, you haven't and are now sulking about this.
You haven't been around and she sounds like she has done all the typical mum things. The way you have chosen to parent has led to this.

You could say that point 2, making sure your son was the first to meet his new baby sister was to make him feel important and valued. Crikey there are loads of children who feel pushed out at the arrival of a new baby in a blended family. She sounds as though she was trying hard.

I’ve never taken him as he’s very stressful and enjoys holidays like theme parks or city breaks. He’s not interested in just going to the pool and relaxing which is what I enjoy

Lol

Come on your on mumsnet, surely you have seen all the threads where the step mums can barely hide how much they hate their step children & don’t consider them family.

your son is very lucky, he has a step mom who vlearly loves him & treats him well. She also appears to be rather respectful of you using best friend and making sure he feels loved and part of the family. Imagine if he was saying 2nd mum or something, you would be having a breakdown

Can you admit it's a reverse now? I think it's pretty clear the majority of posters agree that your stepson's mum has been sadly lacking in the parenting department, and he's lucky to have you and his dad.

You don't "let" his dad have him. He is the child's father. And you get no say in who he allows to be around your child, just as he gets no say about who you allow around him.

The more people that love a child, the better. He obviously feels comfortable being at his Dad and step mums house.
I get that you might feel a bit miffed but be happy that your DS is happy

You are sounding worse with every update. She is doing nothing wrong. The exact opposite, she is taking care of your son, all the time, doing things with him that he likes, being part of his life. Whereas you're admitting you took the easy options all the time and kept putting your choices first, not his.

You have no comprehension of the positive benefits there are for your son in this relationship and you have zero self awareness that your current issues are through your own previous actions.

So there are three other Saturdays a month that I presume his dad does spend with him (considering you choose to spend precisely no Saturdays with him as you’re with your mates)? When was the last time you took your son out for a special day out? Focus on what you should be doing as a mother rather than finding fault in the lovely treatment he’s getting with his other family.

You are being wildly unreasonable. This woman sounds wonderful and you sound jealous.

I would like to know why your ex gets all the fun time with your DS and you get the slog though? That doesn’t seem very fair on you - I think you should get some weekends.

HRTFT. If my DC had a step parent like her I'd be grateful, not trying to find fault. You sound jealous.