AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

Why have you never taken him on holiday though, even for a week?

And how have you allowed your ex to take him on holiday for 4 weeks at a time?

That would be far too long for most parents to be missing their child.

I also think if you’d been honest and said you’re struggling with your son’s closeness to his stepmum then people would have understood. It’s hard. You naturally feel a bit jealous, I’ve been there. But ultimately you have to be a grown up about it. Would you rather she was unkind or dismissive about him?

Saying it’s inappropriate suggests she’s doing something wrong, sinister even. And that’s not ok.

That's what I hope any future step parent to my son would be like.

You are jealous of her and I get it. Maybe see if you can tweak arrangements slightly so you have all of Sunday day times with him, it might make you feel better about your own relationship with him. At the moment they have all the "fun time" during the school term.

This is odd to me OP. Why is this the first year you’ve bothered to want to holiday with your child rather than your mates?

That sounds like a lovely relationship. You sound jealous. Why does it bother you so much that they have a happy, loving relationship? Thinking about your child’s best interests, surely their relationship is ideal?

So you chose going out at the weekend over having your son?
I'm sorry, but you basically have only yourself to blame. All these years he's been having fun time with his dad and step mum, and boring weekday after school time with you. Of course the relationships will be different.

I can't believe that you've never taken him on holiday. That's just bizarre.

Did it feel good to write that? have you got your ego boosted from knocking down someone who you don’t know, and who is already feeling vulnerable? well done you, what a great accomplishment.

My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
Sounds like they have had a chat "i am not your mum and never will be. But I will be your best friend"

When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
Sounds like she wanted him to feel special and not pushed aside

He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
he does not remember a time when she was not around. I'm not my goddaughter parent but we have our thing. I also have a thjng with my nephew. Just an aunty thing

He will sit and cuddle her.
Unless there is more to it, sounds normal. She has known him for almost 70% of his life and he does not remember when she hasn't dated his dad

He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
Again, he has known her almost as long he has known you and his dad

He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
to him, she isn't just dads wife. That is very common when a step parent is involved and been around since you've been a toddler

She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
that you nees to ask your ex. But if she enjoys doing bedtime and he does not. There really isn't an incentive for him to stop her.

He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?
Again, you need to ask your ex. You can also try to forbid your son from seeing them. But I am not sure why it is a bad thing that they are refusing to treat the step child differently.

Sounds like you are jealous. That is understandable. But having loving step parent is a good thing. If it crosses a line then it is worth having a convo but nothing seems to cross boundaries based on what you have written. And the reason your son likes her so much is because she isn't his mum. You have different relationships. You know how you can talk to aunt or sister or frienda parent about stuff cause they are not your mum? That is what is happening here.

Sorry, OP, but it's you who sounds like they have the odd relationship with this 9 year old here. You've voluntarily relinquished all the quality time to your ex and his wife, and now are wondering why your son has a better relationship with the other mother figure. It's not really that hard to figure out, is it?

I’ve never taken him as he’s very stressful and enjoys holidays like theme parks or city breaks. He’s not interested in just going to the pool and relaxing which is what I enjoy so always made more sense for him to go with dad.

My exs parents live in France and have done for 15 years. They usually visit them for 2 weeks then go somewhere else after. Ex said he would just go to France this year so he can go with me but he keeps saying no.

There must be more to this. What's the backstory? I don't believe most mums would agree to never seeing their kid on weekends, and never taking them on holiday. Why would you choose your mates and social life over spending time with your kid? Yes of course being a single mum is hard work and getting a few weekends off is brilliant. But every weekend? So you only see your kid on the evenings after school, four days a week? Who would choose that?

Sounds like she has put in a lot of the hard graft tbh, and now that's coming back to bite you. Why haven't you holidayed with him before? You could easily have gone on a different date to his dad, it isn't 'friends or nothing '.

Sorry OP this is horrendous from you. He’s your child, part of being a parent is doing things your child enjoys. Given this update I’m really not surprised your son doesn’t want to go with you!

You have said you liked going out at weekends and going on holiday with your mates, did you never think that your DS should come before going out at weekends and holidays with your mates?
It sounds like your DS has to fit round your life, not the other way about

You didn't want him when he was 'hard work' so 🤷

As someone who had a wicked stepmother, I can assure you that this is a beautiful life for your son. Let him be loved.

I’ve never taken him as he’s very stressful and enjoys holidays like theme parks or city breaks. He’s not interested in just going to the pool and relaxing which is what I enjoy

Again, like the weekend arrangement, you put yourself first, and this is the result.

X post. So now you are saying you don't want to put yourself out to do fun things with your son on holiday. Again, it's no wonder he prefers people who do want to meet him at his (child's) level.

You can't have your cake and eat it. You were happy to palm him off every weekend and for weeks at a time and didn't bother taking him away or spending quality time with him, and have now discovered he's (fortunately) made strong bonds with the other side of his family.

You’re jealous, she sounds like a lovely step mum. He is very lucky.

I think you’re realising that you only get out what you put in to a relationship with your kids. And you’ve not really seemed to put a great deal in during his childhood. Never having a weekend with him, never having a holiday with him. There are 13 weeks of school holidays so them going for 4 doesn’t mean you can’t go away.

You prioritised going out and holidaying with your mates, your DS’s step mum prioritised your son. It’s not too late to change things if you want to, but don’t blame the step mum for your past behaviour. Nothing you’ve written is inappropriate like you have suggested.

Arrange a holiday for May or October half term, ask your ex if you can change contact so you get a weekend with your son. Do things together, build a relationship.

it sounds like you need to work harder with the other parents in the playground, if you want to develop friendships.

The fact that other parents talk to her more than you is not her fault!

I have a 17 year old step daughter been in her life for 12 years.
I didn’t let anybody meet my younger ones until their older siblings have met them.
I have an activity I do with her once a week as it’s our special activity.
she calls my parents nanna and grandad. They take her on holiday with the rest of her siblings and treat her no differently.
i cuddle her, always have and always will.
She is my family.
I read her books at bedtime when she was younger. What on earth is wrong with that? Surely you want your child to feel comfortable with somebody who is caring for them almost half the time. Who is interested in what they do and care for them?
I really cannot understand your issue at all.

How is that any different than all the people saying that she is jealous. I've just pointed what she is jealous and insecure about.

Op I think you’re now realising how much you need to put into kids even when it’s boring and hard work in order to get the kind of relationship that you want. Your post reminds me of so many dads you hear about who don’t put effort into their kids when they are young and then are shocked when their kids don’t want to hang out with them.

I get that it’s really hurtful but you need to own your choices and work out what you can do to change. First of all you should be having weekend time with your son. And taking him on holiday. Start by taking up your ex about changing the contact arrangements. Plan a mini break with DS.

spend some time thinking about what kind of parent DS wants and needs and work on being that parent.

Added to the never spending weekends or school holidays with him because you were with your mates, you’ve also made no effort to get to know his friends and their parents while his dad and step mum have. Instead of blaming the step mum, you need to take a good look at yourself and your parenting choices.