AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

Honestly, the only issues that come across are from you really. The way describe the reasons your son goes to his dad's thurs to son, and you being happy for him to go with his dad as you want to laze by the pool is very odd.

Step mum sounds lovely, this is the kind of relationship my close friend has with her step son, luckily his mum knows its a great relationship too so there have never been any issues from her side either. They happily attended the DSs wedding recently and all sat together etc.

Bullshit!! I pick up 3 days per week. I have built good relationships with the other parents.

You’re giving nothing but excuses on this thread, and you need to own up to the fact that you have made some big mistakes, for the sake of your relationship with your son! You have time to fix this but not if you keep saying “it’s not my fault” and woe is me.

OP, you should be thrilled that your son has a kind and loving stepmother! She is part of his family now. Surely, the more adults he has caring for him, the better? You need to let go of your jealousy, and allow your son to be happy.

This is so bizarre.

my stepdad isn’t my dad, but he is my family and of course I love him and he loves me. He is however not, nor would he ever be a replacement for my dad…

in the nicest way possible you need to get a grip, and be grateful that he has a step-parent who actually wants to be one…

I think your son's stepmother is working hard to build a strong, loving relationship with him but you will always be his mum. Would you like to discuss changing the custody arrangements with your ex, so that you spend some weekend time with your DS? (It would probably mean you have to do more child-centred activities than you currently do.)

You’ve made your bed and you may need to lay in it or fight for change and not even on the step mum front.

i spent time with my daughters big brother alone a handful of times on my own or when my daughter was small baby. It’s normal and natural however we’ve never cuddled and he never told me he loved me because I didn’t over step. I respected his mum and became his friend not a 3rd parent.

I’m no longer with my daughter’s dad however I have maintained that I will be having weekends every other weekend so I get time to do fun things.

i also wouldn’t be asking my child if they want to come on holiday we’d be going on holiday however it seems like you’ve had it easy for his entire life giving him to his dad every weekend ans then 4 week holidays ofcourse he’s going to want to be with them and value this other woman he never gets fun time with you because youve always prioritised your friends until you’ve now realised he likes another woman rather than you.

Can OP fix this by helicoptering in to 'make memories' when she hasn't bothered for two thirds of his life ?
His stepmother and Dad have done the hard parenting and they are reaping the benefits. OP has put partying and holidays with friends before his wants and needs. She still only wants to take him on her preferred holiday.
It's not as if she hasn't seen her son and had the time to build a proper relationship with him. She just doesn't seem to have used that time to build a good relationship with him.

You should think about changing the arrangements. If your son only sees you on schooldays but sees his Dad and stepmom at the weekends, it follows that he's doing fun things with them and never with you, so it's bound to affect his view of all of you. Likewise you should try to arrange a holiday that he would like so that you can build up your relationship.

I’m sure this is a painful thing for you to witness but it sounds like she’s an involved, caring step parent. Nothing sinister in what you’ve described.

You usually holiday with mates? have you ever been on holidays with your son?
stepmum sounds lovely, I understand why you are bitter, her parenting sounds more involved than yours.

This doesn’t sound very nice to be honest.
You have to meet your child where they are. I’m not saying everything should be geared towards kids, but you really should be thinking of holidays suited to him, not the other way around.
I’m not surprised that DS prefers to go on holiday with his dad and stepmum. He feels safe with them and they do things he wants to do.

This is everything you would want in a step-mother.

I have always felt it takes a community to raise a child. Your son is blessed with birth parents that love him, but also an extended family that treat him as one of their own.

Whilst it is a bit natural to feel a tad jealous of the bond that your child has with his step Mum, just be happy for him that he's so loved and was made to feel part of an extended family rather than being second best, like many other children are.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with anything you've stated that she does. She clearly sees your son as a child of her own, which is preferable to a them/him attitude, which would have hurt your son.

I feel very sad that you can't see past your own feelings and see how good the situation is for your son.

No it reeks of jealousy.

Step mum sounds amazing, and Dad sounds very reasonable.

She is a lazy narcissist of a parent by her own description and thinks a biological link means more than day to day love attention and dedication . That boy knows what he has in both houses and he knows his home is with dad and stepmom . Who in their right mind goes away on holiday and doesn’t take her child until they are 9 .

I can see why you are jealous, but I wouldnt call the relationship inappropriate.

I am a step mum, although he’s nearly 21 now, 3 when we met.

I was his one person allowed to go to hospital with him when he had an operation during Covid, his choice. I completely understand that it hurts, but as step mums we can care about the child and want as well for them as you do, no agenda.

I don’t let his dad have him for dad to not even be around.

No. You don't let his Dad have him. You share custody. And your son and his father have a right to be in his other's lives. And it shouldn't be at your whim.

Your son is so lucky to have many people who love him in his life.

Should anything happen to you, you should feel reassured that he would be well taken care of my his step mum and also her family as well as his dad.

I can’t believe you don’t get any weekends either your son! Start working on the relationship with your son , he’s slipping away. Also his step mother is his family don’t be stupid.

Rather than looking at it in a way that you want her to back off, you need to do what you are able to influence which is your own relationship with your son.
You never have any downtime with him, which suited you when he was little but this is the knock on affect of that. You don’t have the closeness that you hope for and she does have a strong connection with him.
Adjust the arrangement- maybe start with at least one weekend a month with you. And parents make decisions about holidays, not children. They think they want to but it is not best for them.
Lean in to your relationship with your son, strengthen that and you won’t feel as threatened/bothered by theirs.

Oh, OP
I think you are reaping the consequences of your choices.
He is still young enough to rebuild your relationship with him. This is important. Don’t waste time blaming his step mum.

She sounds lovely and dotes on your son. No-one can replace Mum, ever. I would be delighted his stepmother and her parents are so kind to your DS x