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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

657 replies

Playnoway · 09/02/2026 17:10

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

  1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
  2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
  3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
  4. He will sit and cuddle her.
  5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
  6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
  7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
  8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

OP posts:
aloris · 09/02/2026 21:34

I read all your posts but no one else's. I think you made an error by letting your ex have your son all weekend and for a month in the summer, because now he has a closer relationship with his stepmother than with you. I am sure it must be nice for your son to spend time with a woman who (it sounds like) is financially well-off and has a strong family network, so might be more relaxed than you and able to give him bigger gifts, a more comfortable lifestyle, etc. But you are his mum and it's good for him to have a close relationship to you. So I would see if you can change the custody agreement so you get either alternate weekends with him, or an entire day every weekend. And, he doesn't want to go on vacation with you but you are his mum so you put your foot down and take him on vacation. Spend time with him doing things he likes and work on re-building the closeness that you want.

nocoolnamesleft · 09/02/2026 21:34

It sounds like this excellent stepmum is picking up the pieces for what the child's parents aren't doing.

Helprequiredagain · 09/02/2026 21:36

The only problem I can see with any of this is that your ex has his son every weekend.

Which I never think is very fair.

Rachie1973 · 09/02/2026 21:39

Playnoway · 09/02/2026 17:10

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

  1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
  2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
  3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
  4. He will sit and cuddle her.
  5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
  6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
  7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
  8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

She sounds like a loving and considerate woman.

It’s great he has an extra adult to trust.

NeedSleepNowww · 09/02/2026 21:50

Tbh it sounds like she’s put all the hard work in and you’ve prioritised partying and going on holiday and now you’re jealous he has a better relationship with her than you.

She sounds like a great stepmum.

ChefsKisser · 09/02/2026 21:53

MsDoof · 09/02/2026 21:11

Apologies if someone has already mentioned this (I kind of hope they have!), but you keep calling him your husband, he’s not your husband.
You stated you split when your son was 6 months, he’s now 9, it’s been over 8 years and he’s been living with this woman (who sounds amazing and lovely) for 6 years and married to her for 3. Stop calling him your husband for a start.

This. I know it sounds harsh but you are your own worst enemy in this situation.

Piknik · 09/02/2026 21:53

I can't believe this is real, but on the off-chance...

You say your ex moved in with his partner 6 years ago - so when you son was three. Presumably they were together for a while before they moved in as well. Your son and his stepmum have been in each others lives for as long as he can remember and she has shown him kindness and care, OF COURSE HE LOVES HER and she seems to love him very much too.

How on earth can you be pissed off that his stepmum shows him love and reads him a book at night? Do you want him to be miserable every time he is away from you? (which is a fair bit).

You have no idea how lucky your are that your ex seems reasonable and has chosen a new partner who has embraced your son and loves and cares for him. Have you actually imagined the alternative? A cold, unloving house where he is sent to bed, ignored and not made to feel that he is 'at home'? Seriously - how do you think a stepmum should behave?

You are unhinged.

BumbleBee7891 · 09/02/2026 21:53

You let this happen because it was convenient for you and now it's biting you on the arse.

parkezvous · 09/02/2026 21:53

I must be strange then as this is similar to the relationship I had and still have (to some extent) with my step daughter - she’s 35 now! Us step mums just can’t win

SENcatsandfish · 09/02/2026 21:53

Surely it can only be a good thing that your son has extra adults to love and support him? It sounds like maybe youre feeling guilty about some things with regards to your relationship with your son. And rather than addressing this or admitting this, youre looking for someone else to blame.

parkezvous · 09/02/2026 21:57

It sounds like it was all ok when it suited you and now it doesn’t you’re not happy. I think that’s called tough luck OP. Sorry but you can’t have it both ways. Be grateful she loves your son

Blushingm · 09/02/2026 21:58

You sound jealous op

Livpool · 09/02/2026 22:02

I don’t see the issue - you just sound jealous

Daysgo · 09/02/2026 22:06

Given your lack of prioritising him, I assume his stepmother and father make a big attempt to make him feel valued etc. Your posts are all about you, and your feelings, not him. If you are genuine, I'd chge the days you have him to include part of weekend, assuming that you can guarantee to place his interests above your own for that period.

Livpool · 09/02/2026 22:06

NeedSleepNowww · 09/02/2026 21:50

Tbh it sounds like she’s put all the hard work in and you’ve prioritised partying and going on holiday and now you’re jealous he has a better relationship with her than you.

She sounds like a great stepmum.

Exactly! Always going on holiday with your friends over your son is pretty bad - if he doesn’t like lazing by the pool (don’t know any kids that do) then you do something else.

Simplestars · 09/02/2026 22:07

Sounds like you are insecure and jealous of their bond.

TheDenimPoet · 09/02/2026 22:08

You're jealous. You should be happy that someone cares enough about your son to have this kind of relationship with him. He's known her since he was three. He won't remember a time without her. She is family. Her, his dad, their baby and him, are a family unit, just like your household are.

Quit it with the jealousy, and NEVER voice to him how "weird" you think it is.

Plasticdreams · 09/02/2026 22:08

Do you read to him every night he's with you OP?

WonderingWanda · 09/02/2026 22:09

Playnoway · 09/02/2026 18:50

Because her daughter goes to the same school she’s there more than I am. I only pick up 3 days a week but she does it 5. It’s not my fault she’s built that relationship.

Show quote history

But it is your fault that you haven't built the same relationship with him. When he was little you preferred to go out clubbing with your mates. You didn't take him on holidays and build your own traditions and special routines with him. I think now you feel a little jealous and probably rejected by him. You can still fix this. It doesn't need to involve criticism his step Mum or suggesting their relationship is wrong. You need to explain to him how you want to build some memories with him. Start small, maybe a weekend away together, maybe force yourself to go somewhere he enjoys like a theme park or a city. Start enjoying fun times together and I am sure that will build into more holiday time eventually.

Cantbelieveit888 · 09/02/2026 22:12

I’m sorry I think what it boils down to is pure jealousy…. You are sad that he has a better relationship with his step mum than you.

Summerbay23 · 09/02/2026 22:16

I hate theme parks but we still took the kids when they were younger. Also holiday parks which weren’t my thing but the kids loved them. It’s really up to you to build your relationship with your child. I’d start by having some weekends together and some holidays that are focused on him. Be grateful he has a loving and engaged step mum.

Lemondessert · 09/02/2026 22:16

They have more time with him op. As when you have him most the time he is at school. Personally I would have taken him on holiday and not gone with friends. You need to change the routine. It sounds like she has called herself his best friend instead of step mum. I don’t see that as an issue. A lot of step parents go above and beyond. You need to work on making this better asap because as he gets older he will make his own choices.

Ponoka7 · 09/02/2026 22:17

Playnoway · 09/02/2026 18:49

I’m not sure what a reverse is. I’ll be honest I thought people on a mums group would be more understanding of my pain. Probably made it sound worse in my head than it is but I still wish if he was going to have a best friend it would be me.

What do you share with him for him to be your best friend? It doesn't matter what you like, you bond with your child over what they like. You encourage their likes. Unfortunately you haven't put the time or effort in. She has. My grandchildren's father is going through what you are, but we always tried to tell him that as children get older, they vote with their feet. I had a similar relationship with my step grandad. He put time in, was fun and kind. You need to put the time in and make it about him. But you may never have the relationship that she does with him. You have your friends and can continue to build a life.

Gizzywizzywoo · 09/02/2026 22:19

She sounds lovely and you come across as very jealous
Would you rather hid dads new wife be the wicked stepmother and have tears every time he came home because of how awful she was to him? .be thankful someone else cares and looks after him while hes spending time at his dads

Pinkgin00 · 09/02/2026 22:19

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but honestly it sounds like they have a lovely, positive relationship. There is nothing that is coming across as inappropriate, if anything it sounds like you have just become envious of their relationship. Surely you would rather he had a good relationship with his stepmum than someone who treats him awful?

Does the childcare arrangement still work, are you happy about never having your child on a weekend? Whilst it may have suited you in the past , and by your own admission, you enjoyed having weekends free, how do feel about this now?