AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

His best friend is not going to be you is it, if you don’t do anything nice with him? Don’t spend ANY weekends with him? So no parties, no park trips, no play dates?
He likes theme park and city breaks but you refuse to do that because you’d rather sit around by a pool.
So why would he see you as his best friend when this is how things are?

The step mum sounds wonderful, how lucky your son is!
Nothing on your list is anything but wonderful for your son. Surely it's him who should come first?

You didn't want him of a weekend, you'd rather party with your mates. Same with taking him on holiday - he's 9 and you're only just now thinking to take him, but only to something that you will enjoy. Doesn't matter what he'd like.
You don't know his friends because you haven't put any effort into it. The step mum clearly has.

I know a mum who is very much exactly as you've described. Her child is a bit older and wants nothing to do with her now.
Actually start making an effort with him before it's too late.

At least he's got a great step-mum, who from the sounds of things puts him first and wants what's best for him.

Sounds like he needs it 🙄

Sorry but what mum would choose to give up every weekend with their little kid? So that they could go out on the piss with their mates instead? I know lots of single mums who have EOW without their kids, and most of them have friends, hobbies, nights out that they enjoy during those times. But I don't know any single mums who would choose to never spend time with their kids on a weekend. Most of them miss their kids loads, even if they appreciate having some free time. Honestly, this thread is so sad.

Think of how many step parents have terrible relationships with step children, especially when a baby comes along in the "new" family.

Imagine how you'd feel if he was desperately unhappy because his dad no longer really wanted him around because he was getting on his stepmother's nerves? You might think you'd just keep him with you, but it's not that simple for him.

I can completely see why you're afraid of being "displaced" and want your son more to yourself but the reality is that it's FAR better for him to have a great relationship with his step mum, so if you care about his well being, you're going to have to suck it up and try to be happy for him.

And you are his mum and always will be. Don't spoil your own relationship with him by being jealous of another relationship that he has which also makes him happy. He didn't choose to have a stepmother. Just be glad that she's good to him.

Tbis thread has made me so angry as a stepmum.

I consider my step children to be family and whilst I’m obviously not their mum, when they’re with us then I treat them exactly the same as I’d treat my two. I tell them I love them, I’ll hug them and do things with the that they want to do. Sometimes it will just be me and one or both of them and sometimes all of us.

You chose weekends with your mates over time with him ans you go away with them them because it’s easier as he’s hard work.

His stepmum clearly loves him and has been in his life for as long as he can remember - be glad that he has a bonus grown up who loves him.

A child can never have too much love.

If you want to change things then discuss your arrangements with your ex so you have him for more weekends. Do something just for the two of you and put more effort into your relationship with him.

Did you have your son quite young? Not an excuse but you sound as though you haven't made him your priority. Choosing a custody pattern so you could party and holidays with friends instead of your son? I can see why as much as it hurts he has a stonger relationship with step mum.
The days you have him hes out most of the time at school whats stopping you asking for a switch so you spend weekends with him?
As the parent of a child who is not acknowledged by his step parent you should appreciate what a fab step mum she is. Sounds as though she chooses to love your son as her own many in blended families are not so lucky

Apologies if someone has already mentioned this (I kind of hope they have!), but you keep calling him your husband, he’s not your husband.
You stated you split when your son was 6 months, he’s now 9, it’s been over 8 years and he’s been living with this woman (who sounds amazing and lovely) for 6 years and married to her for 3. Stop calling him your husband for a start.

"AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?"

Just 1 small change "inappropriate" needs to read "appropriate". Because EVERYTHING on that list is completely appropriate for a step mum. The reality is that unless you and your ex get back together, it is totally appropriate for him to be spending half the week with his Dad. On that note he has to spend half a week away from his mum, so he really deserves someone else there who helps care for him on those days. I can see why you are jealous, but you need to put your son FIRST not after you in this, and realise that having someone else who looks after him on those days is good for him.

OP you do come across as very jealous I’m afraid.

of course she’s loving and kind and spending lots of time with him. She’s known him since he was very small. Nothing in the op suggests anything weird at all. It sounds like she cares and is treating him like your own.

I agree with many of the other posters that suggest you could try to spend more quality time with him doing stuff HE wants!! You sound quite selfish in your approach - kids don’t generally want to chill by a pool!!

you’ve also said he’s quite “stressful” what does this mean?

you mention step mum is rich - is this also a factor that could be causing extra jealousy? Kids like memories and time. You don’t have to spent loads to give him a great day out! If he’s active you could go den building in the woods and take some hot chocolate and marshmallows. If you can stretch to it then a theme park sounds like he’d enjoy it - or a pool with flumes??

unfortunately the WhatsApp thing is just one of those things - you can make an effort, or not?! What about play date? Has he had those at your house? That’s a good way to make mum/dad friends when they drop off. At pick up - ask them in for a cuppa.

why did you split up @Playnoway?

I'm struggling to believe this is real purely because your updates paint you in such a self absorbed light, but I'll play.
I was the step parent you describe when my DSC was young. Their Mother hated it but also made bugger all effort. They would rather their child had a poor relationship/miserable time than have a stepparent who made the effort they couldn't be arsed to.
Children notice more than you think and they remember who showed up for them.

Your updates make you sound less reasonable, not more.

You opted for your son to spend weekends with his dad because you liked going out, and you prefer holidaying with your mates because you find your son ‘stressful’ and want to relax by a pool. That was your choice - and it was a perfectly reasonable one. It’s worked well for you. His dad has done nothing wrong and neither has his stepmum. She is everything that a stepmum should be. You’re lucky that your son has so many people in his life who love him as much as you do. Your son has enough love to go round; it’s not a finite resource.

You need therapy. It’s really obvious that subconsciously you feel guilty/inadequate for some reason (you really don’t need to though) and now you’re jealous and letting it eat away at you because you think your son’s stepmum is a better mum than you.

She isn’t a ‘better’ mum. She isn’t trying to take away your son. She is a really nice woman who has been kind enough to treat your son incredibly well and make him feel welcome in what is just as much his home as your house is.

It is absolutely absurd to say she ‘shouldn’t be alone’ with your son. It would be very, very cruel to your son if you try to reduce his relationship with his stepmum. Parenthood isn’t a competition.

Honestly, you need professional help. She isn’t trying to replace you. Your son doesn’t love her more than you. Your whole perspective on this is warped by your own insecurities and you need to work through that because the way you’re thinking right now is grossly unfair on everyone involved, including you - this is obviously making you unhappy and it really doesn’t need to. You owe it to yourself as well as your son to change your thinking on this.

Also, stop calling your ex ‘my husband’. He isn’t your husband and he hasn’t been your husband for years.

You and your DS are so incredibly lucky to have her. He has a stepmom who loves him and treats him beautifully and he’s clearly thriving on it. He was so young when he met her he probably has no recollection of life without her in it. I’m not sure what you want her to do - stop taking him to clubs? Stop reading to him? Stop having a close nurturing relationship with him? Stop including him? You are jealous of their relationship and worried he might love her more, when really he has three adults who love him and have his best interests at heart - that’s a blessing, not something to complain about.

I feel there is a lot of self reflecting and work on yourself needed here; from how you have articulated the scenarios, this woman is not trying to be your Sons mother, she will never be able to replace you. However, it seems to me as though you are still very much hurt from this breakup, whether you care to admit it or not. It sounds like you are hurting and perhaps your ex husbands wife, makes you feel insecure as a parent; perhaps you feel you’re not doing enough compared to what she does?

The tone you have set in your post is very removed, like your Son is a person of existence in your world, as opposed to him BEING your world. As a Mum, I would never choose for my children to go to their Dads at the weekend just because I like to “go out” (don’t we all?) - but do you not think your Son would like to spend an actual weekend with YOU?

Children spend their whole week at school, the weekend is to switch off and spend quality time together.. Your Son does that with his Dad and StepMum, but not ever you?

I cannot tell you what to do or think, I do not know any of the circumstances - but from what you describe, this woman sounds like an angel, and I would feel truly blessed to have someone like her in my kids lives as a StepMum, knowing their happiness and safety are her priority, as much as it is mine.

Please take this time to self reflect, I think the comments and the votes send a very clear message here.

@NotAnotherScarf how's she technically not his stepmum?

The reality is your ds has a loving bonus mum - but I completely get why that hurts and feels like you’re competing. I think the best thing you can do is accept and be glad his step mum includes him and cares about him.

one thing I’m struggling with is the fact you don’t have any weekend time with your son. When do you spend time together that’s not the general slog of after school homework/food/shower/bed?

You sound extraordinarily jealous.

Your son is a very lucky boy.

I understand you are hurt but you need to stop blaming his step mum & look instead at what you can do to improve your relationship with your son.

I think you need to change the week split so you have some proper time with your son every week so either you do 1 week on 1 week off or you change the existing schedule so that you have a weekend with him every other week.

Seeing him just on school days has led you to this - you don't spend enough time with him & that needs to change.

Also, I can understand he doesn't want to change his long standing holiday in the summer but you could take him away for May half term to somewhere just the two of you to start re-building your bond.

Good luck

you need to have your child on weekends too - every other one to make it "fair"

you are losing the bond between you both by just doing the main bit of work during the week

So the woman who gets the best bits with your child? of course she is going to be closer to him than you are!

They are the fun ones, at weekends with no school runs etc - open your mouth and change it before you completely ruin your relationship

So you’re jealous.

Surely you don’t “invite” your nine year old to go on holiday. You go or you don’t.

This is madness

I think how you feel is reasonable. But his dad sounds responsible and decent and like hes picked a good woman. Who hes been with a long time who loves your son.

Besides everything else your ex is an equal parent, with equal rights who makes parental decisions. And his decision is to encourage this good relationship between his son and his partner and daughter.

Theres a couple of things youve said that I think you need to think about:

1. You keep calling you ex "your husband". Even if youre still not legally divorced he isnt your husband, hes her partner and your ex

1. For years shes sacrificed her weekends to help her partner care for his son when you enjoyed going out. And once DS reached school age that has been comparibly a lot of time to the time hes been with you.

1. Every year you go on holiday with your mates and he goes with his dad. Meaning 4 weeks a year he doesnt see you. I absolutely think both parents should have time with their children but 4 weeks away would kill me. And you can come up with all reasons you like but hes 9. You dont ask him if he wants a holiday with you, you clear the dates with your coparent and you take him.

And I think you should think about that, and work on what you can control which is your bond with him

Honestly I understand why it hurts. But shes one of the good ones, the very best ones. FOR. YOUR. SON.

And feel whatever you like but if you try to take your son away from her, its your son who will be hurt by it. You need to love him enough to be OK with this even when it hurts and spend some time building the same with him. Maybe even speak to your ex about alternating weekends so you get more time with him.

🙄

Is this rage bait?

This woman has known your son since he was 3yrs old and raised him along with his dad Thu- Sun for the last 6 years. He spends every weekend with them by the sound of it so it’s a good thing he feels happy in that environment for his own wellbeing and needs.

I think it’s amazing that she wanted to let your son meet his new sibling first before anyone else as she clearly was considering his feelings to make sure he felt special and part of the family as he may have felt worried he would be pushed out once the new baby came.

It sounds like she really treats him with a lot of love and affection which he clearly loves and feels happy and safe with her. When he started calling her best friend this was potentially because she knew she wasn’t his mother but at 3yrs old the easiest thing to name the relationship was a friendship or best friend.

he has a 4yr old half sister who presumably visits her grandparents at the weekend, have you considered how your son would feel if he was not included in this dynamic. The grandparents including him like their own is lovely.

you sound very bitter about this relationship, I understand it may make you jealous or envious of their bond but I think from everything you’ve said she sounds like a lovely woman who has embraced her husbands child and made sure he has felt part of their family.

I am not a step parent and only have my own biological children but if their father found a new partner and remarried then this sounds like the type of woman and family I would like them to meet.

The main problem here OP is your mindset.

It is inevitable that he builds a relationship with his step mum who he spends a lot of time with. Try to think how lucky your DS is to have so many people who love him. Surely this positive relationship he has with her and his Dad shows you that he is a happy and content boy. Would you rather she was mean to him and didn’t care about him?

You will be much happier if you accept this and do what you can to build your relationship with your son and do fun things with him.

Btw I say this as a Mum whose DS had (and still has) a close relationship with his step mum.

Op is not coming back