AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

@Playnoway this is a you issue not a her issue. You sound like my mum 30+ years ago. I had a great relationship with my step mum and my mum hated it because she was jealous. It has nothing to do with lack of parenting or time spent with my dad. My DD now 25 also has a great stepmun who has been in her life since she was 3, and had her 50% of the time as DD was at her dads. You need to get a grip!

He's not stressful, he's a normal kid.

No kid likes just relaxing by the pool.

The thing about being a parent is that you often do things for the children that you wouldn't necessarily choose to do

I think you need to go with his terms not yours.

I think people on mumsnet tend to think about the children first. I am sorry for your pain: jealousy but please try to reframe what's going on and you will feel better.

Instead of "I'm envious about my son's relationship with his stepmum" can be " I am so happy my son has another adult who loves and cares for him"

Have you not read about stepmums who can't stand their step children? Your boy is so lucky and therefore you are so lucky! You shouldn't be jealous She's his "best friend"- you are his mother- not his friend.

I do think you have some growing up to do. I can't believe you have spent vacations apart because you want to "hang around the pool with mates". It sounds quite selfish tbh. Most parents want their children to be happy which includes doing things that doesn't really please us initially- but seeing the joy of our children makes everything worth it. The stepmum seems more mature and childfocused. But..you will ALWAYS be your son's mum and it's not too late to try to do more things with him that HE enjoys just the two of you to build up your relationship.

Nothing you've described is inappropriate. She's a consistent safe adult in his life. She's absolutely his family.

Re the holidays, I'm sorry but you reap what you sow. If you get out of the habit of holidays that prioritise his needs, he'll end up familiar with a different routine.

Try to shift how you see things - it's a brilliant think for your ds to have 3 adults who love him. She isn't taking anything away from you. You're on the same team!

Autocorrect- should have said would have loved

The relationship isn't inappropriate at all. Your son's step-Mum is part of his family, and by the sounds of it has a good relationship with him. You are jealous of the fact your son enjoys spending time with his step-Mum and is fond of her. Surely you'd rather he had a stable, secure and loving environment, when he stays with his Dad? Or would you rather he had a nasty, vindictive step-Mum who pushes him out in favour of her child with your ex, making him miserable??

Hmm. You never have your son at the weekend because when he was younger you liked to go out at the weekend? Are you not desperate to spend some daytime/fun times with your son?

I don’t think his relationship with his step mum is inappropriate at all. It may be hurtful to you and you may be jealous, but nothing is inappropriate. It’s lovely that they say “I love you.” He spends most of his quality time with her and his dad, so surely you’d be glad she loves him and he loves her?

It's brilliant that he has this loving relationship with his stepmum and an extra set of loving grandparents. They are part of his extended family now. If you are ever away or ill for a while, he will be with people he's at home with.

But it is your fault you havent bonded with the other parents. Your child has someone who cares about him. His realtionship with her means nothing to you its not your issue. Your issue is you didnt make time for a bond as you but your needs first. You need to do week on week off or they take him sunday to thrusday once a month you get a weekend. You need to build a bond and you should be glad he has people who love him.

I’ve never taken him as he’s very stressful and enjoys holidays like theme parks or city breaks. He’s not interested in just going to the pool and relaxing which is what I enjoy so always made more sense for him to go with dad.

Do you think hi stepmum would describe him as stressful? You need to put him first. Take him on a damn city break if that’s what he enjoys. This is all part of being a parent. You’d rather not go on holiday at all with your son than go on one that he would enjoy? Christ.

Shes been in his life for 6 years of course they love each other, i think its nice her AND her family treat him as family- not the same for all step families. I think some of you thinking this is inappropriate comes from jealousy

My friend has a great relationship with her stepchildren - her Mum plays with them on holidays they've been on together, swimming with them, hide n seek etc, the youngest loves my friend especially - she has been in their life a long time, she is the go between between the ex's, the youngest gets into bed with them for cuddles and has done for years. I think, to find someone that loves your children like this is nearly a miracle and I'd be grateful for it, imagine if she was horrible to your son, or he was shoved out by the new baby etc.

There's absolutely nothing inappropriate about any of this. This is about your feelings.

But when that arrangement was made OP was getting to spend Sunday to Thursday with her child and it worked because her ex worked those days, yes she enjoyed going out with friends in her free time, I don’t think that’s wrong. It’s just more difficult now because her sons in school she doesn’t get the quality time she used to when he was younger.
I do agree she is wrong to say his step mum isn’t family and to say their relationship is inappropriate

1. This is her trying not to step on your toes by finding something he can all get that’s not ‘mum’. I had to do the same with DSS when DH and I got married and he suggested ‘mummy my name’.
2. Because that’s his sister???
3. She supports him doing something he loves.
4. Yep, I give my DSS a cuddle. He’s 14 now though so it’s only when he’s sick or upset or before bed now really.
5. We both tell each other we love each other.
6. She is his family.
7. Because he wants her to 🤷🏻‍♀️, she clearly reads good stories, probably does all the voices, I am not that accomplished so haven’t ever done this with DSS.
8. DSS calls my family great grandad, nanny, uncle, aunty.

DSS has always had a good relationship we me and his step dad, even though his mums not with him any longer and called both sides of the family with relative titles. Given it’s been like this since he was 1 with his stepdad and 2 with me he doesn’t understand it really any other way. I really don’t see the issue.

Equally, as DH and I do DSS football all the parents know me by name too and I go out to events with them (alone and with DH sometimes) because we get on and have built relationships.

I really don’t see the issue. I’m not pretending I am his mum, everyone knows I am his stepmum, we are just blessed to get on and have a good relationship. It takes a village.

maybe its time to start 50/50 share so you can spend time with your son. him having the weekends and less school drop-offs, etc. is far more quality time.

Being blunt, you’ve chosen to let DS spend the weekends with his Dad and you’ve chosen to go out instead. Now that he’s older you’re suddenly realising that maybe this routine has naturally caused him to be closer to Dad & partner? Quality time over weekends would build that bond?
You need to prioritise your son, not holiday with mates & never have him on the weekends! See if you can alter the arrangements slightly because you don’t have quality time otherwise?
I see how hard done by you feel, but I also see a son who has built strong relationships with his Dad & partner because you have weekends off to go out?
Sorry if I’m reading that wrong btw, but being honest your priorities should have changed as soon as he started school every weekday? What has suddenly caused you to realise that he’s got these close relationships?

But she’s had 4-5 years to renegotiate this arrangement and she hasn’t, presumably because she’s still enjoying child free weekends. Doesn’t want the inconvenience of her own child and doesn’t want anyone else to make him feel loved and wanted either. OP really needs to reflect.

Considering your son spends most of his time there, what exactly would you want their relationship to look like, if this isn’t it?

She doesn't have an inapprorpiate relationship with him. She has a loving family relationship.

Your problem is that you don't have as good a relationship. And while I can see that there extra money helps his dad and her do things with him that you can't, it seems clear from what you've said that for years you've prioritised having a good time yourself over building the same sort of relationship with your DS. This isn't his stepmum's fault. And his step mum doing less of the fun loving family stuff with him not improve your relationship with him, but it will hurt his life.

It's not her fault you've not made the effort and instead put more energy into being jealous. The only red flag I see here is -you-.

You barely spend time at the school, you like going out on the weekends, you don't socialise with the other parents, you find your son stressful on holidays etc the list goes on.

All I've heard here is "Me, me, me, me, meeeee! What about meeee!" You sound very bitter and jaded. It's no wonder your son doesn't want to he around you. You should appreciate that your son has a wonderful step-mum and somebody positive in his life. He's probably picking up on your petulance.

"I thought you would all be more supportive of my pain" - Woe is me. No - We will not respond conveniently. I think you need the truth and some tough love. This is ridiculous. It will not stand in court- You'll just be another bitter woman using her child as a weapon against her Ex because you're jealous of what they have.

You never have son in weekends? When do you do fun things with him or take him to parties or have play dates.

He’s probably started being a bit more interesting and self sufficient and fun to hang out with can probably hold a decent conversation as well. Less of a time suck with caring responsibilities and more of a little buddy. Now she feels like she’s missing out more than getting a break.

Are you quite young or neurodiverse @Playnoway ? I’m wondering if there are cultural issues here too?

I understand what you mean, your child dad’s partner is doing more/equal parenting than you or his dad are. I think you should do alternate weekends do you can have time with your son.