AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

So, in conclusion, you prioritised partying, drinking and holidays with your mates over your son, didn't take him away because he was "hard work" and didn't want to join you lounging by a pool, and now you're pissed off because another woman who did do all the hard graft actually has a relationship with him?

Well, fuck around and find out, as they say. You fucked around, these are the consequences.

Totally agree when did you think you’d build your relationship with your son??

It sounds like a lovely relationship. How is it inappropriate? I understand why you'd feel jealous.

I would suggest some self-reflection here. Even this post is strange - you quoted 8 examples of your son being very happy and settled - and then claimed that this was inappropriate. I can understand the twinge of jealousy - but its really not normal for a mother to be this angry about their son being genuinely happy. Combined with the other things you have said its clear you really really struggle with the most important part of being a parent - putting your child's happiness first.

I’m sorry, am I misunderstanding something here? You’re threatened annoyed that your son’s step mum prioritises him, takes care of him and loves him?

What if, god forbid, something happened to you and your son had to be raised by your ex and his step mum? Wouldn’t it make you feel better knowing that your son would be loved and cared for? Surely the more people who love a child, the better.

YABU and need to grow up.

It sounds as if you’re jealous and I can’t even imagine that pain. But you need to put those feelings aside if your son is happy. As awful as that sounds and probably feels :-(
She’s being kind and he feels happy and safe with her. Unfortunately when parents split this is likely to happen.

I’m actually really offended at your use of the term “inappropriate relationship” in this context. This woman is a parent to your child, not some kind of sex offender.

I'm basing it on her updates, where she says she chose to spend weekends with her mates rather than with her child, and that she chose to go on holiday with her friends rather than with her child. And that she hasn't wanted to go on holiday with her child because he doesn't enjoy doing adult stuff like lying around a pool. And that he doesn't have playdates at her house and she doesn't know any of his school friends. And also that she's telling him that his lovely relationship with his stepmum is weird and that she's not his family.

You're right, I am judging her. I think it's really, truly sad that she hasn't built a close relationship with her son and that she is trying to damage the loving relationship he does have with his dad, stepmum and his sister.

Yanbu to feel absolutely shit

but girl, it’s time to RISE UP

you need to become the desired parent. Improve yourself and your life 🥺🥺 xx

I sense that you don't feel adequate to being a parent in the way you see your ex and his partner being parents and step parent. Either you couldn't or didn't want to do what they have been doing in child rearing, ie. putting in a lot of time and effort as well as getting the rewards. But now, has something changed that makes you realise and maybe feel resentful? This really is about you, not them. Can you face up to that? if you want to feel stronger and more confident as a Mum, maybe counselling would help you. It seems like there is a large chunk of your life and difficulties that have not come out on this thread. Have you recently ended a relationship that took up a lot of your attention? What was your own experience of being parented? You need to look inside, not at your ex's current life.

So many people would love their child to be loved by the step parent like your son is. I know it must feel hurtful for you but equally his Dad, her and their daughter are a family and he's part of their family. That doesn't mean he doesn't also have a family unit with you, but she isn't just some random woman. I think it's so lovely she includes him like her own, I would much prefer this to my child feeling left out. Ok if she was a new step parent but she has been in his life for the majority of the time he would be aware of.

I can imagine if he's spending every weekend at his dad's he's naturally going to spend more time with both dad and step mum as you can't expect his dad to be the only one there every weekend.

Maybe try being a mum first 🤷🏻‍♀️

They have a brilliant relationship that reeks of happiness and safety. Shes not his mum but has a wonderfully caring role and he loves her. I think she sounds lovely.

I’m sorry OP I know that it must feel like a punch in the gut, but you are being hugely unreasonable.
It sounds like they have a lovely relationship, and although it would hurt from a selfish perspective, I would also be happy that he has another adult who loves him and who he loves, to protect him and nurture him. It can only be a
positive thing to have another safe adult in his life who he has a close bond with.
nothing you have listed sounds inappropriate.
You’re going to have to relax, try and see the positives and not be jealous!

I think you need to be thankful. I think she sounds lovely 😍

It sounds like you haven't spent much bonding time with your son, having fun and connecting. It might take a few years of real effort to create that connection again. Trying to ruin the beautiful relationships he has in his father's family won't help you to create a good relationship with your son. Take your focus off what he has with his step mum and start to focus on ways you can create a strong bond from now on.

This is a really sad thread. Your son has an amazing relationship with his step mum because they have fun together, she spends quality time with him and prioritises him. I am absolutely astounded that you’ve managed to get to age 9 without having a holiday with your child or spending a weekend with him. I find it so astonishing that I suspect you’re lying. To never have a holiday with your son because “he’s hard work” and you prefer holidays with your friends is incredibly self centred. Your little boy is very lucky to have such an attentive step mum because his relationship with you is clearly lacking.

Errr, did you read ALL of OP's posts? Her somewhat selfish behaviour is at fault here.

If that was my child's step mum, id be grateful they had such a strong, loving bond.

The step mum is lovely and doing everything she can to ensure your son knows he is family. She loves him. That’s wonderful and you should be pleased. This won’t go well for you when he’s older if you cause problems with this.

I say this as a mother with a daughter that had a loving step mum (she passed).

You prioritised going out on weekend and had your ex take your son over the weekends. He’s built a lovely life for him with a woman who seems a really kind step Mum. As parents we accommodate our kids and don’t always just push them to do what we want. (Relaxing holiday by the pool 😆.) You’ve been happy to sit back for years and your ex has established a routine your son cherishes. Please don’t focus your jealousy on the step Mum who’s made every effort to integrate your son into their family unit. Try and establish doing things with your son when it‘s just the two of you like regular meals together and maybe something only the two of you do: think Taco Tuesday and a cinema trip on regular days. Your his Mum and he’s only 9 years old - please don’t think you don’t matter or you’re losing him. You are his only Mummy. Don’t focus your attention on what your ex and his family are doing, build your own special memories with your son.

Op. You don’t have the best relationship with your son nor his friends parents. He’s 9, there’s time. But you must stop blaming this woman who sounds lovely and caring. So what if you only pick up 3 days a week? I work full time and do the pick up 2 days a week and it’s been less than that- I still have a relationship with other parents. You can request weekend time and go to court if the dad says no, no judge will deny you any weekend time at all. I suspect, like holidays, it felt easier to have weekends to yourself.
your child is 9. You take him on holidays, you don’t ask him. You don’t cancel half his dad’s holiday with him as of course he will be unhappy. You do take him somewhere he will enjoy even if it’s stressful. That’s parenting and you’ve been able to not do some of the bits you find hard by not having weekends and not taking him on holiday and instead od making friends with other parents blaming this woman for making friends. That was an option but now you see it’s costing you your relationship with him so ditch the jealousy and step up. Plan a holiday he will like, and if it’s not relaxing you’re a parent who’s had every weekend child free since you had your baby, you’ve had so much time to yourself. Go up to a parent and ask about a play date. Get some weekend contact. This is all up to you and you will not fix any part of it by stewing and blaming other people, your son is lucky to have a loving stepmum.

This.

I’ve never taken him as he’s very stressful and enjoys holidays like theme parks or city breaks. He’s not interested in just going to the pool and relaxing which is what I enjoy

This is weird: you seem to want your son to live entirely around your life and your preferences.

You complain about never seeing him on the weekend, but you say upthread that when he was little, you preferred to have your weekends free for going out, so it was convenient for him to be with his father.

And now you're complaining that he chooses to go on holidays with his father, but you won't take him on holidays he might like because you just want to sit by a pool ?

I mean, mothers shouldn't have to completely sacrifice their preferences to those of the DC, but you seem to consider your son an inconvenience or a block to your pleasure.

It sounds as though you consider him your possession, or something - a cuddly toy?

Your.child is 9. He doesn't get to pick and choose your family holiday.

He's off school 13 weeks a year. I'm sure you can find a week when you can take him away.

Focus on improving your relationship rather than criticising someone for loving and caring for your son.