AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

@Playnoway are you for real????

He has an amazing stepmum who loves him, helps provide for him and treats him equally to her own child and you still arent happy...fml us stepmums really can't win can we.

You don't take your son on holiday because he makes you stressed and you think she is the problem?

Frankly OP, this isn't about you and making it so will only impact on your child and cause pain and confusion.
i understand that it hurts and you are jealous but it is a GOOD thing that your child has two happy homes. Two families who love him,
The holiday is neither here nor there. They go every year and, despite the father trying to compromise this time, your son wanted to go, Surely you can arrange another time to take your son on a holiday with you?
You have to reign in your resentment and jealousy because all you will do is damage you son's wellbeingl Far too many separated parents play on childrens emotions and go to different lengths to affect the bonds held with dad's family/mum's family . Don't hurt your son because you've suddenly decided you gave up too much when it suited you and allowed him to create such a lovely bond with his stepmother.

If you truly want to create a better relationship with your child, you absolutely can and should but not at the detrimint of the existing warm and happy relationships he values. It must be about your child, not you. You want to add, not take from. And don't 'punish' the parties you believe are 'wrong' here because they really aren't.

That's just fucking ridiculous.

First, you don't "let" his dad have him. He's a parent too and as such has parental rights.

Of course she's going to spend time with him alone. Your ex isn't there 24/7. They live as a family in the same home and have actually blended well and he has a sibling living there.

Your husband has bonded with your son. He has a regular weekly schedule with him including all weekends and holidays that you haven't been able to manage.

She is his step mother, she is married to his dad.

This. (Also, love the username lol)

Sorry read it wrong... even more reason for her to relate to the boy

Aww, it sounds like they have a lovely relationship.
I would rather that than her othering him.

Why are you calling your child's father your husband?
This sounds like a reverse with a couple of slips (calling him husband).
Surely most people would appreciate their child being loved and well cared for by their step-mum, who seems to be the woman they spend most time with.
It seems mad that you would talk about never taking him on holiday because he doesn't like to laze around the pool (of course he doesn't, he is a child) so you go with your friends instead. You never had him at weekends because you like going out with friends. If this was a genuine post where you felt step-mum was in the wrong, why have you shown yourself in this light? It comes across like you are someone who puts your own needs and wants above your child whilst his step-mum steps up to do what you won't.
If this is genuine, you should have spent weekends and holidays with him sooner, then you may have developed the relationship you wanted. It's probably too late now. It seems like dad and step-mum are his main attachment figures and to try and break that up now over jealousy would be cruel and not in your child's best interests.

Every time you add to this thread OP you just get more bitter and jealous. It is your fault that you haven’t built that relationship with the school mums because it was “easier” for you and “you liked going out every weekend” so you chose for your son to go to his dads more than he is there with you.

“I go on holidays with my mates because my son is hard work because he doesn’t like chilling like I do” he’s a child……you are aware they like to be active and go and do fun things like theme parks.

I am so so glad your son has a nice and loving step mom and a loving dad. None of those things you’ve mentioned are inappropriate.

there is so much you could have done better and I feel you are full on pouting because you’ve pished your life away with your son because you wanted to be selfish and go out. My flabbers are actually ghasted at your post OP.

get a grip!

You'll always be his mum OP. And I'm sure you're a very good one. but being insecure is a recipe for pushing him away. Especially as you only get him for the week times.

I think you would have got a more sympathetic reaction here if you had worded this as 'their closeness is a bit painful/scary for me...' rather than 'isn't this loving behaviour inappropriate'? Because it's not and it sounds like it is clearly coming from a place of your own fear/pride rather than actually real concern for him.

Maybe have a think about changing this system so it works better for you and allows you to bond with him? But you'll always be his one and only mum. But do nice fun things with him too

Sorry hope that helps. Its normal to feel a bit insecure/hurt in this situation I think. But what you do next is the most important bit.

I think you need to rearrange your custody arrangement so that you get half the weekends and half the holidays, and your DC’s DF and SM get more weeknights and the daily grind - at the moment your ex is getting all the fun time so of course your DS prefers to be there.

If you want your son to like you and to like spending time with you then you need to put your liking for sunshine holidays by the pool on hold and start taking him on holidays that he will enjoy. You are entitled to have your DS for half the holidays, he is nine years old, you don’t invite him you just have him. Same with weekends - you have been selfish, handing your son over to your ex every weekend so that you can go out and have a good, child-free time. If you want your child to like spending time with you, have him every other weekend and do what he wants to do with him. You can go out with the your friends every other weekend when you don’t have your son.

No wonder your DS seems to prefer his SM when you palmed him off every weekend to enjoy yourself and you’ve never taken him on holiday. It’s not too late to build a proper relationship with your son. Do it now before he’s a teenager and he chooses to move in with Dad full time.

Actually the more and more I think about this post, the more and more I call bullshit or reverse.
Only a Mother who was so oblivious would question why her Son wanted to spend more time with their Dad/Step Mum on reading back what they had written.
I actually don’t believe a word of this now.

You're just jealous. She sounds lovely.

Hi OP,

I can see how painful this must feel for you, but I think I can see what might be happening here and I think you might be projecting your pain and anger on to the step mum. You need to remember that she’s been in your son’s life since he was 3, he does not know a life without her so she is very much part of his family. It’s honestly a really good thing that he’s got such a supportive step-mum. Your posts read that actually you might be feeling no threatened or worried that he might like her or view her as a mother figure , and maybe you feel a bit scared that he might view her in favour of you (which is very unlikely to be true. Usually kids behave the worst or are the meanest to those they feel most secure with).

Your talking about losing your son, I don’t think your losing him to her but it’s him getting older and more independent. It sounds as though she has made a great deal of effort to be a part of his life and take an interest in things (like knowing his friends). That is not to say you haven’t done the same (although if you are feeling guilt that maybe you haven’t that’s also ok) but she’s had him on the weekends which is when the real ‘quality time’ happens. You said you have historically done the weekdays, and that time is generally just short bursts to get through a routine. Maybe that way of doing things isn’t working for you any more but you need to expect some push back from him if you want to change that.

it would hurt me if my son said he didn’t want to go away with me and would prefer to go with his dad. But I could also understand that he wouldn’t want to miss out on something he does yearly and loves doing. Is there any way of working around it to give him both?

I think it’s understandable that you feel this way, but I wonder whether maybe you could think about other ways of how you can make sure you feel connected to your son instead of zooming in on his step mum. You feeling upset at them spending quality time alone together (once a month) does sound as though your struggling a bit with your own feelings rather than anything anyone else is doing and maybe the solution is to work on how you view the situation and your sense of threat rather than to focus on her relationship being ‘inapproprate’.

I don’t find any of what you’ve described as inappropriate. I agree with PPs who’ve said that you sound jealous of your son’s relationship with his stepmother. While this is completely understandable - blended families are hard and you don’t sound as if you have a close relationship with your son - it doesn’t mean their relationship is wrong, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

FWIW, I have a stepmother. She came into my life when I was 14 and married my dad when I was 17. She’s a wonderful person and I love her dearly. My youngest sister, on the other hand, was only about 18months old when stepmother came onto the scene. My sister doesn’t remember a time when our stepmother wasn’t there. They spent a lot of time together when my sister was young, so of course they have more of a mother/daughter relationship (although my sister is now in her 20s).

Meant to click yabu

So you preferred to go out at weekends than look after your child, giving him up every weekend, and have never taken him abroad, pretending to go with friends?

Frankly he's lucky to have his dad and stepmum. Over my dead body would I have sacrificed my relationship with my child like that.

I have a sneaking suspicion OP is actually the stepmum and is upset the real mum has an issue with her so is writing this from the mum's perspective.

Ridiculous thing to get upset over!

3 days a week for 4 or 5 years vs 5 days a week for 1 year!? 🤔

You may well be right

How lovely. Your son has an extra someone who really cares about him and doesn't want him to feel displaced. We wouldn't let anyone meet our son until his sister had met him too.

This woman doesn't replace you, she is an extra person in your son's life who loves him. She is prioritising your son so he feels part of both the families he spends time with. For her to negotiate the relationship with his step grandparents so your son doesn't feel 'less than' or left out shows how much empathy she has towards him and how she has assimilated him into their family unit as a full member and not just a visitor. Of all the children of divorced parents, your son has a real shot at avoiding the damage that can come with divorce if he has so many people that love him and such a firm sense of belonging.

You go out with friends every weekend and go on holiday with your friends.
You’ve prioritised your social life above your son and now you are worried about his closeness to his stepmother.

Do you have issues with drugs or alcohol or something, OP? Because honestly I can think of no other reason that you’d prioritise going out with your mates over spending time with your boy. That’s really sad. And you show absolutely no insight whatsoever.

If this is real, it really sounds like you have some kind of issue. Ask me how I know.

he’s lucky that he has her because he doesn’t have you. And you have the audacity to criticise his dad for not spending enough time with him…

This is a completely normal and healthy relationship. Surely you should be happy your ex has found someone so caring that your son looks up to? You sound bitter and jealous.

From the title I thought the post was going to be about a teacher texting an ex-pupil or something. But no, just a loving relationship between child and stepmum