AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

It feels like you have unrealistic expectations of your son.

you don’t invite children on holiday - you just book it and tell them you’re going. And yes it needs to be a holiday that meets their needs and not necessarily yours.

and of course he’ll feel closer to people he spends quality time with every weekend, as opposed to before & after school.

you need to renegotiate your time with him - with his dad, not with him bit needs to be presented to him as a done deal. When he gets used to some weekends with you where he is prioritised and the two of you spend quality time together then the closeness will develop.

I'm a single parent so can imagine the pain of having another woman step into my role of my child's mother. And as PM said, would you rather the alternative: a wicked stepmum?

I’ve never taken him as he’s very stressful and enjoys holidays like theme parks or city breaks. He’s not interested in just going to the pool and relaxing which is what I enjoy so always made more sense for him to go with dad.

I don't believe any mum would say this? Of course the poor kid has no interest in relaxing near the pool, who plans an adult holiday with their own child?

He's lucky to have his dad's GF in his life. She's not trying to be his mum, she's just a decent human being.

If you ever get remarried, don't you think you will leave your new husband with your son? Don't you think he will take him to sport, or to an event, or spend some time with him - when you are at work, or busy? How would you feel if your ex was trying to dictate how you chose to spend time within your own family: son and new husband?

If you feel she's making more efforts than you are, then maybe it's on you to be a more in-hand parent. She's doing nothing wrong at all, most people would be relieved that their child is safe and happy with their ex new partner.

But your ‘pain’ is all of your own making! You declined to do the hard yards in the years before your boy was old enough to be interesting, you abdicated the tough stuff to his father and his partner, and they stepped up, especially his stepmother, to fill the void you left. It might be painful to realise that now, but it’s nobody’s problem but yours, I’m afraid.

Sounds to me like you prioritised getting pissed with your mates on the weekends when he was young, and holidaying with them too because your son was “too stressful” to manage. Now he’s adapted to someone else’s loving care, you don’t like it. Maybe if you’d mothered him in the first place, someone else wouldn’t have had to.

You sound like my ex husband.

Enjoy going out at the weekend so don't have your child.
You haven't taken him on holiday because you would rather lie by the pool with your mates.

My daughter is now 18yrs, I'm a aingle parent and I blooming miss those days of family holidays and busy weekends.

She sounds marvellous, she's been on holiday with him every year for four weeks at a time and looks after him every weekend. Lucky him. Well done to her for stepping up.

What a lucky boy having a stepmother who loves him so much.

Oh. Just read your updates. Empathy waining, harsher response incoming …. You are just jealous she’s put effort in and built a relationship with your son. It’s not her fault you didn’t do the same. Holidays without him is bizarre to me. Go away with your mates is fine but at the expense of a holiday with him is mental. Your own doing op. She’s not inappropriate at all. She’s doing a damn good job of being a step mother. Sound like her and his dad love him and enjoy spending time with him. Nothing strange in that.

It’s not my fault she’s built that relationship.

Sadly, for you, it is. You left a vacancy and she filled it.

And I say that as a divorced mum whose children have a stepmum.

I've read all your posts but not all the replies and I'm afraid this is, from what you say yourself, this is completely.on you.

You’ve preferred two weeks in the sun and weekends to yourself. Why don’t you know the other mums? Haven’t you ever had birthday parties for your son? Play dates?

I think you’re reaping what you’ve sowed. But this has got to be a reverse.

Why not?

OP, respectfully, you're jealous of the relationship he has with his stepping, but what effort have you made over the last few years?

He's 9, he's been at school for at least 4 years and you've continued only having him overnights during the week because you "enjoy going out ". You go on holiday with your friends rather than your son because he doesn't like the types of holiday you do - funnily enough, not many young children are happy to just sit by a pool for hours on end! You don't know his school friends despite doing pick ups - how many after school play dates have you arranged? It will be his stepmum taking him to weekend parties, sleepovers etc, of course they know her better.

If you want to improve the relationship with your child, you need to put the effort in.

Why is it inappropriate because you are jealous? What exactly is inappropriate?

It's half-term very soon. Will you take time off work so you and he can do some things together?

So true, but its not too late OP. You can do fun things with your DS, and build happy childhood experiences that you share and memories for the future. Its really not too late. Maybe have him stay a weekend occasionally and prioritise having a nice time together. He will be a lucky boy to have care and love around him from both sides. Enjoy it with him and for him.💐

It's not inappropriate. She's been in his life, as dad's partner since he was a baby. He's grown up with her as an influence in life. Isn't it a good thing that he's so happy with her? It's better than having a wicked stepmother surely?
There's more to this, I feel. Like if his father left you, to be with this woman and hes lived happily ever after with her instead of you, I'd understand you not liking her.
Otherwise I can't say it's inappropriate

Having read the entire thread, including your updates, OP, I think that you really need to have a word with yourself.

Your complaints read like you're about 12.
Just be grateful that your son has people in his life who clearly adore him, and were happy to put him first when you wouldn't/couldn't.

It’s equally not her fault for making an effort either. The correct response is making an effort to build your relationship with him and do things that he will enjoy.

it’s not her fault she’s in a WhatsApp group. And there has been time to build relationships with his friends parents before his sister even started school. She would’ve only been there what a year ? Or two if they have a nursery.

you have to be proactive and get stuck in. Not be mad that she has. Take him away at a different time, half term or Christmas have 2 weeks to take him away as well. I wouldn’t try to dictate or curtail their effort to have quality time with them. You have the space to do quality time activities as well.

This, x 10000.
sounds like she’s making a real effort to make him feel included and ‘this woman’ has been in his life for years. It’s lovely they have a relationship and she is absolutely his family.

Your child doesn't need another best friend, he needs a mother - that's your role and no one can take that away from you.

If you want to be closer, it's not difficult, do things FOR HIM with him. You build a close bond by going on experience together (trips, sports and everything), by laughing and sharing time together.

You should put him first, you should be delighted he has someone reading with him, he's happy - the alternative is a sobbing child missing his mum who is miserable until it's time to go back home. No sane parent would ever wish that!
As long as he's safe and happy, you can relax. Use your free time to do things for you, and concentrate on him when you are together. Your free time is a luxury, enjoy it.

Without being rude, the reason your son has a good relationship with his stepmom is because she’s the one putting in the time and effort. You don’t spend any weekends with him, only the school evenings. She probably is his best friend and wants to spend time with her and his dad because they all have fun together. Why do you never spend a weekend with him? Do you read with him and do fun things? Because there’s your answer.

You say that you’ve never taken him on holiday because he doesn’t like sitting around a pool, which is what you like.
Doesn’t that sound a little selfish. He doesn’t like your kind of holiday, so rather than having a change one year and say going to Rome, Berlin or Europa Park, you just don’t take him?
No wonder he prefers to go with his Dad. I would too.
Sorry Op, but you need to compromise sometimes.
You don’t have him weekends as you like to go out.
You still sound like you’re young and childfree.

They’re all going together and it what he does every year. It just what he’s used to and he gets to see his grandparents and I’m sure gets doted on and spoilt by them. Sounds a great way to spend it. He would feel he was missing out for something unknown!

it’s a valid reaction for a child. She just needs to organise something fun for a 9yo and go.

There are a few things on that list that make me think hmm now if the stepmum acted differently you’d possibly be hurt by that as well.

Meeting his baby sister. She wanted him to meet her first before everyone else. If she put him at the back of the queue truthfully how would that make you feel? Angry? Upset?

You saying she’s not family to him eg They’re not family she just married his dad. If she said stuff like that would you be ok with it and be in agreement with her or would you be feeling bad for your son?

Her parents taking him out and including him. If they didn’t make that effort what would be your reaction? Especially if they take their granddaughter to places. They might not be his biological grandparents but they are grandparent figures to him.

She reads him a book before bed. What if she didn’t? Would your ex do it or would ds just never get a story? His dad should be doing lots of bedtime stories and should be doing the majority of the parenting in general but I’ve seen mums complaining on here about stepmums who don’t do the parenting for the dad when the dad doesn’t do it. Maybe you would be one of them too.

“We have always had the arrangement of Thursday to Sunday. When he was younger we arranged this because my ex worked during the week and I enjoyed going out on the weekends. It just seemed best way for us both to spend time with him. Now he’s older it’s a bit more difficult because I only see him before and after school.”

When your DS was younger you agreed to ex having him at the weekend so you could go out and now you are questioning why he prefers to be at his dads and you wouldn’t take him on holiday as he don’t want to lie by the pool all day? He’s a child fgs.