AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

Also wondering what has changed for you that you want more time?

I wonder this too.

she sounds like a great step mum and it’s good that they have such a great relationship.

but you need to work on your relationship with your son. You need to spend some weekend time and holiday time with him - your current arrangement made no sense after he started school. You need to split the school weeks, weekends and holidays 50/50

Food for thought here from a person with step parents growing up. My parents divorced and met new partners (mum remarried and dad with his 15+ years now) but the goal was to always provide me and my brother with a loving family life. So they co parented as a foursome. If it was our birthdays, or family bbqs both sets of parents came. My dad and stepdad would team up one side of the table joking that the ladies weren’t allowed because that’s the men’s beer drinking side. My mum and stepmum would often meet for lunch. Hell my mum and dad would go for a meal to catch up on me and my brother from time to time.
I use “was” as my mum died quite young but I’m still in touch with my stepdad even so.
Point is, I had the BEST family life even after a separation because my parents welcomed the new partners into the family and did it all together. Just food for thought from the child’s point of view

You are coming across as insecure and jealous, OP. This boys stepmother relationship is in no way inappropriate. Your reaction however is super weird. It's like you've pushed your son away for years and now you are realising that he has noticed and wants to spend more time with people who love and care for him. Rather than question what sounds like a loving and caring relationship, maybe you should look at yourself and see if you should seek some professional help like therapy

Sorry but it really does sound this way op. I cannot understand your attitude to holidays at all, surely literally everyone knows that when you have kids, holidays aren’t about just what you want anymore?! A very selfish attitude.

Your jealous op and feel excluded, its ok to feel that way. What is not ok is for you to project it onto your son or his step mum. Its isn't weird or odd. Yes annoying that your sons dd doesnt step up more but it is what it is. Your son is loved and in a happy environment when he isn't with you.
Concentrate on how you can make your relationship better with your son.

Yes perfect analogy with the toys - is that why you want to holiday with him all of a sudden?

I’ve never taken him as he’s very stressful and enjoys holidays like theme parks or city breaks. He’s not interested in just going to the pool and relaxing which is what I enjoy so always made more sense for him to go with dad.

Kids this age don't want to lie by the pool! That's an adult holiday. Unfortunately when you have kids you have to go on holidays that they will enjoy.

So arrange a city break or a few days away which includes a theme park or other adventure activity and tell your son you're taking him.

The simple answer is that she has far more quality time with him than you do. 4 weeks holiday every year, every weekend together… it’s no wonder they’ve built up a close relationship. How lucky he is to have another adult who loves him.

You have to put your son first in no matter how much this is bothering you. He is happy. If you use you say he can't spend as much time with this woman your relationship with him will only get worse

I’m not entirely convinced that op does want more time. She just doesn’t want the stepmum to have a better relationship with her son than she has.

The thing is, she can’t just change it all suddenly because she is jealous, she needed to do it when her son needed her. She was taking the easy route by “letting” him go to his dads to allow her more time to not parent at weekends etc.

I still wish if he was going to have a best friend it would be me

Well you dont spend enough quality time with him for that to happen. I would be rethinking the days you have him with you if I were you

I agree with last comment. In a nice way you are reaping what you sow. That lady has prioritised and built a life as your son’s stepmom and now you feeling the old ‘green eye’.
You miss every weekend with him and admit it’s because you liked/ like going out.
You have never been on holiday with him? And say you don’t like the same holidays- well yes you are supposed to prioritise your son’s wants and needs.
With the month holiday a year you have been sidestepped and your son knows who is being the more nurturing parent.

The problem you have is that if you pull him away now it will look like jealousy. You really need to sit down with both of them and try to renegotiate by explaining why. You want more quality time with your son.
I also agree that presenting a holiday as a choice is giving a nine year old too much power. If your ex agreed then you should have presented it as fact.

This is on you.

You're only thinking of yourself and your own needs, not your son's.
Do better.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. OP will always be her son’s mother but she missed the boat to be a parent.

I don’t know why you are calling her ‘this woman’. Since the age of 3 he has spent nearly half the week at their house with her. That’s such a young age - he won’t remember a time without her. Of course they are close. Especially as that has been weekends where there’s more family time.

The relationship sounds lovely - stop saying inappropriate. You need to work on your relationship with your son but accept responsibility for your actions. You have never taken him in holiday because you want to lie in the sun. And I’m guessing weekends worked well for you to not have him as you could go out.

Well now he has this other family unit who have invested in him.

From now on I’d work on putting him first and improving your relationship with him. And getting to know his friends and their parents! Doesn’t he have friends round to your house?

How amazing for a child to be loved by so many.

It’s lovely that they have a good bond and she’ll cares for him. But I understand it would sting. It’s not weird behaviour on her part or your sons. I think maybe you feel abit jealous (which I understand). Try see the positive that your boy has another family member who loves and cares for him he’s a lucky boy.

Have you ever considered maybe making more of an effort with your son by entertaining his interests? Maybe suggest a holiday he would enjoy instead of being selfish and wanting a 9 year old to enjoy a holiday lazing round the pool? 🤷🏾‍♀️

She's doing a lot of very good, loving parenting. She's not preferring to go out clubbing or on holiday with her mates, she's putting his feelings and needs first when his sister was born, she gives him undivided attention, takes him to activities for his benefit, they all go on child centred holidays, her parents have welcomed him as much as their own biological grandchild. And yet she isn't calling herself Mummy because he has one for weekdays and when she isn't out or on holiday doing more interesting things than something a child would enjoy - she's being his friend.

And you don't 'let' your ex have him. Firstly, it suited you and your social life until it became his normal life and secondly, the child has a right to have a happy, loving relationship with his family members. So you aren't going to be able to put a stop to it - Family Court would not go in your favour when your application would be on the basis that the child has too lovely a life from Thurs - Sun each week and for a month in the summer.

Actually it sounds very much like the dad and stepmum have been the ones doing the slog whilst you go out with your mates and spend holidays with them instead of him. What message is that giving your child? If you’re not careful you will end up with him moving in with them permanently.

You comment that you feel you are losing your son - you probably are, but not because of an inappropriate relationship with his Stepmum - but because he is picking up on your bitterness and jealousy and doesn't want to be around it.
You need to focus more on improving your own relationship with your son and less on trying to destroy his relationship with his Stepmum

I think it sounds lovely OP. I think you’re best to just embrace this. God forbid if anything happened to you then he has another caring adult in his life. You’ll always be his mum, no one can replace that bond, blood runs thicker than water.

Why do you think OP isn’t ‘trying’ to be a mum? Your comment is very judgmental and I’m not sure what you’re basing it on?