AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

Did you have a partner you recently broke up with or something? Just seems strange you’ve chosen to spend so little quality time with him or getting to know his friends for so many years up till now.

By her own admission this is literally because she didn't want to have him on weekends, she wanted to go out with her mates instead. What a sad life, doesn't seem to care about being with her son then resents another woman for being a mother to him.

I find it odd that you have never been on holiday with your son. I don’t find water parks fun fairs and building sand castles my ideal holiday either but I realised it’s what my kids needed in their formative years and so that’s what we did and build solid foundations from these shared memories.
it sounds like the step mum has invested time and emotion into your son.
i can understand that this must hurt a lot but it sounds like it’s really healthy that he can have this kind of loving relationship with your son. He is happy and I think you should console yourself with that as painful as it may be.

It sounds like you have prioritised holidays and going out with friends at the weekend over spending time with your son. He probably has play dates at the weekend so of course his friends and parents have more connection with his father and step mother. This is of your making I’m afraid.

To be honest you have just been digging yourself a bigger hole and I wonder if this is actually a reverse? You've let them have him every weekend because you like going out, instead of being a mum. You've not bothered arranging any child friendly holidays so he'd rather go with them.

You made this bed pet.

I’m gobsmaked you’re so upset that someone loves and cares for your son. So many step parents are not like this and push the other child away?! How can you not be thrilled your sons step mother is so welcoming and includes him. It’s lovely to hear your son must feel so happy and at home in his dad’s house.

From the perspective of someone who was the child in a situation the opposite of your sons in one house and just like your sons in the other, all you’re going to do by having such a negative outlook on stepmum is villainise yourself and push your son away.

But you had five whole years to build that relationship before her daughter even started at the school

I would let him do his month with Dad and maybe take him away at half term instead.
If he is missing his regular holiday going he’s unlikely to enjoy it.

Also wondering what has changed for you that you want more time?

This must be a reverse. If not, you’re not a great parent and it’s no wonder your son prefers it at his dads.

I can't work out if this is real, but just in case... have you thought about trying harder?

Very few little kids are happy relaxing by the pool. Even if you go on a pool holiday, taking a child means playing in the pool with them, going to the beach etc. Holidays with children don't tend to be relaxing, but parents do it anyway because it's fantastic for the children and an opportunity to spend quality time together.

How often do you do things your son enjoys? Do you do fun things with him after school or in the holidays (it sounds like you don't spend any weekends with him?). What do you do to bond and spend quality time with him?

TBH his stepmum sounds great. I understand that you feel jealous but you should concentrate on improving your own relationship with your son, not trying to stop the bond he has with her.

No child wants to relax by a pool! I miss having relaxing holidays, but I take my kids on holidays that are fun for them too. It’s an investment in their happiness and in our relationship.

I’m finding this thread quite sad tbh.

I am really struggling to believe this is real.

You let Dad have him every weekend , because you liked going out yourself - meaning all the fun stuff would have obviously happened there so it’s going to be more fun and he’s going to build that relationship because he has quality time with them . Realistically in term time he just has evenings with you. I mean - you never have him on a night that isn’t a school night?

Holidays, he goes with them because he doesn’t like the same holidays as you do because you want to lounge by the pool and he doesn’t , so you have allowed him to spend most of the summer every year with them rather than put him first and take him on a holiday he enjoys ?

She is probably closer to the school Mums and has a better relationship with his friends because all the play dates , parties etc will likely be on their time with him .

She wouldn’t let anyone meet their baby until your son had - that is extremely caring ! He says she’s his best friend because he has obviously built up that relationship with her because of how kind she is to him. She makes time to have a day a month with him - do you do that? Considering you pretty much have him on school days only? He says he loves her because he does. Because she is a parent too .

You should be thankful that your son has so much love around him. I can only imagine it’s jealousy which , deep down, probably stems from the fact you know you have prioritised other things over building that relationship up with him yourself. Make changes. You will regret it if you don’t.

I honestly believe this has to be a reverse.

Why haven't you done these things with your son? Because.... No excuses. If these things were important to you and your bond, you'd be doing them and having him every over weekend and making sure you took him on holiday!

You do come across jealous tbh, she sounds like she is trying her hardest to make him feel happy and comfortable... I'd be happy.

You should of been building these bonds with your son.

Yes this is good idea - half term holiday

I’m interested in why you’re suddenly now willing to do a holiday he likes? Or are you?

im sure if you arranged a waterpark holiday or centreparcs for half term he’d bite your hand off

he probably concluded you didn’t want to on holiday with him

Agree plus she is his step mother she is married to his father. All of this is great, I wish my DC had had someone like this in their life and not just me. Sorry it hurts though OP.

This.

Good advice. OP you need to focus less on the stepmum and more on improving your relationship with your son. Therapy might help to think about the issues you’re having with him.

There are 6 weeks off in the summer holidays, you can still book something without taking away from the 4 weeks he usually spends with his Dad.

I have spent the past 17 years holidaying with my kids and ALL of them have been catered to what they would enjoy doing. I’m gobsmacked OP that it’s taken you 9 years to want to put your son’s holiday needs before your own holiday needs with your mates. But I suppose, it’s better late than never - if he’ll let you! So don’t now complicate it. Book at a different time to his Dad.

You need to be really honest with yourself.
You're upset because your son has a loving step mum who involves him actively in their family life?
And now it's highlighting how you haven't prioritised him (not taking him on holiday, choosing to go out with friends on weekends) because he prefers their house.
Maybe time to step up, but you need to make sure it isn't motivated by jealousy

Sorry op. I’m not doubting you love and adore your son, but it does sound like you’ve maybe prioritised your own wants and needs over his eg having weekends without him to go out, holidaying with friends as your son’s holiday preferences aren’t aligned to yours. Sounds like his step mother has really centred him in her life and he’s naturally going to gravitate towards that. You’ll always be his mum, but that doesn’t earn you preferred status if comparatively, you’re not putting the same effort in.

I’d strongly advise against trying to create distance between your son and his step mother. It will not result in him transferring his affections to you, and could actually do the exact opposite given he’s old enough to know his mind and heart.

Instead I’d try and work on building connection with him. Perhaps look into changing the weekend arrangement so you get more quality time and be led by his interests and preferences, rather than your own.

I really hope this isn't real. If it is it might be one of the saddest threads I've read...who chooses to spend so much time away from their child?

I’ve never taken him as he’s very stressful and enjoys holidays like theme parks or city breaks. He’s not interested in just going to the pool and relaxing which is what I enjoy so always made more sense for him to go with dad.

He's not stressful, he's a child and enjoys the kind of things children enjoy. Of course he doesn't want to lie round a pool all day and I can't believe you think that would be appropriate to expect of an energetic nine-year-old. Think back to your own childhood for goodness sake and put him first, before your own adult preferences.

So, reading all your updates, your son was an inconvenience and you were more than happy to live a fun single life, going out every weekend and on holiday with your mates, until you realised that his stepmum is doing the job you should be doing and you're suddenly feeling territorial. Like a toddler who shows no interest in a toy until another child picks it up when they throw a huge tantrum. You're clearly not interested in being a parent so for goodness sake let him be loved by someone who is actually willing to put him first.

I've Read your updates and I think you maybe need to work on your self esteem’s and stop comparing yourself to the other prominent female in his life. You’re his mum, you shouldn’t be his best friend, you she be his best parent.

giving his dads weekends so you can go out was a huge mistake and now he has the ability to say no he is going to. You need to focus on his needs.

also and with respect, you don’t invite a 9 year old on holiday, you take them with you. You need to talk to his dad first, make the arrangements and tell him what’s happening this year. How can a 9 year old prefer a theme park holiday or city break when you haven’t taken him anywhere.

i think it maybe time to find a helpful counsellor and talk through this jealousy, because if you don’t nip it in the bud soon it will impact on your relationship with him significantly more than it is now.

Surely you can see that having another female I. His life who cares for him in this way can only be a good thing - this will help balance the load when you get to the teenage years. It also gives him someone to trust and confide in other than you and his dad - that is something money can’t buy.

I think she sounds great and like she really loves your son.

of course she’s his family!! She’s his stepmum and is the parent of his sibling.