AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

Of course he has a better relationship with her. You prioritised going out on weekends an holidays with your mates over spending time with your child. She prioritised him! She treated him like her own. Loved him like her own.
You fucked it up all by yourself and now you’re bitter and jealous of a woman who has done absolutely nothing wrong but treat her step son as good as she treats her own child. Your son is very lucky he has her. She sounds like a great mum and a great step mum.
You’re now trying to blame her for what? Stealing your child? Ruining your relationship? Nah you did that all by yourself. He’s 9 and you never took him on holiday. Never spent a weekend with him because you prioritised your down time and nights out. This is all on you. It might be hard to hear. But this is your fault. Of course he wants to go on holiday with them. That’s all he knows and they take him places he enjoys. You’re already talking about a pool/beach holiday that you know he won’t enjoy but that’s what you want so once again you’re prioritising yourself. Stop it! Put him first for once!

Wow the step mum sounds lovely, if only most step kids were this lucky!

You are so lucky! Your don adores her. She adores him. I had a step dad like this. He was a shining light in my life. You sound hideous. Are you literally so insecure in your relationship with your son that you'd prefer for him to have a less loving less warm relationship with his step mother.

OP you couldn't be more unreasonable if you tried.
One thing that really stands out for me is it all seems to be about you. You haven't taken him on holiday because he's stressful and dosen't just want to lay around a pool. Most kids dont eant that kind of holiday. You wanted your ex to have him every weekend because you like going out.
You should be thankfulnthat he has such a caring stepmum and a dad that actually want to do things that he will enjoy. I am sure that eh gets plenty of 1:1 time with his dad as well seeing as he is there half the week.
You come across as whiny and petty and more than a bit immature to be honest.

It is hard and you will always be his mum mo matter what, but it’s lovely your son has a good relationship with her. I always think you can never have enough people who genuinely love your child it will make him a more rounded adult. Remember what you have being his “mum” is even more special something she can never have.

Since you have pages and pages of this and I'm sure you've been told how wrong you are I will just say that number two is the perfect step mum behaviour in my book.

I think you need to focus on building your relationship with your child, there isn't anything wrong with theirs.
What sort of holiday were you hoping to take him on? There should be plenty of time in holidays for him to do both.

It must hurt, and extra tough having everyone in the same playground. But it doesn’t sound like she’s actually doing anything wrong. She sounds like a normal, loving stepmum. It’s good they love each other, they should. Maybe you could ask to change the routine of your arrangement so you get some weekends and can have quality time. Do play dates and get to know his friends? Or do them after school. Remember kids don’t know what they’re saying can be hurtful, they’re just speaking their truth. Bide your time, be patient and understanding and one day he will let you know that Mum is number one.

Stop the jealousy and put you son first, OP
Surely the more loving influences he has in his life the better?

If this isn't a reverse or a wind up then I'm afraid to say that you're being petty, jealous, and ridiculous. None of what you've said is inappropriate and frankly, I think it's a bit weird that you're implying otherwise.

She's not "trying to be his mum" based on anything you've said. She's being a pretty damn good stepmother. Looking at some of the horror stories on here, I'd say you have it pretty good.

And for the record, I don't know many people who particularly enjoyed the holidays in the trenches of what young children enjoy but most of us suck it up and do it for the sake of the children. Just like your son's dad and step mum are clearly doing...

So this woman has been in your son's life for two thirds of it, is the mother of his sibling, and clearly loves and dotes on him and you're....upset about it?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her. Kids say all sorts. He just likes her, that's nice.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited. This is lovely: putting his feelings first, making it special for him at a time when it could have been difficult for him emotionally. Genuinely gobsmacked you can't see how thoughtfully done this is by her?
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent. She's a significant person in his life with a degree of caring responsibility, this is not weird at all. My sister takes her stepdaughter for a walk every Saturday with the dog and they get a fancy drink from the coffee shop - so that the stepdaughter knows that my sister values her as a person, and not just her dad.
4. He will sit and cuddle her. He's been in his life for SIX YEARS this is completely normal
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion. Not remotely weird. Aren't you glad she loves him? Aren't you glad that your son spends a good chunk of his life in the presence of an adult who cares about him? I had a stepmum who couldn't have given less of a fuck about me and trust me, that's much, much worse.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad. She IS his family, whether or not you like it. She's his sibling's parent, for a start, plus his dad's partner, and who he spends a significant amount of time with.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed? Maybe he wants her to? Imagine being upset that this woman cares enough to make sure your son gets a story read to him at bedtime.
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this? So your son has hit the absolute jackpot in his dad marrying someone whose parents have loved and accepted him exactly the same as their 'actual' grandchild and made sure his feelings are looked after so he never feels left out when his sibling spends time with them. Good for him!

Either you're utterly insane or you're just feeling insecure about the stable, nice home life he has at his dad's. I completely get that: must be weird to wrap your head around. But I cannot emphasise enough that this - multiple adults who care about your child's wellbeing and happiness and emotional safety, despite him not being biologically related to him, meaning that the time he's not at your house he's being loved and cared for properly - is the best possible outcome when you and your child's parent split up. And you would do well to accept (even be thankful!) for it - because it will only cause him a horrendous amount of guilt further down the line when he's old enough to realise you're being weird about people he considers family and he feels like he has to choose.

Lucky lad. It would hurt personally but how nice for him that he is surrounded by love.

A child can never have too many adults who love and genuinely care for him. This sounds like a positive relationship that you should be grateful for if you could put your child first and your own feelings for this woman second.

I think you should be over the moon that this woman loves your son so much, she is his step mum and has been in his life for 6 years. I actually “aww’d” at the point about how she waited for your son to visit first before anyone else with the new baby - his sibling.

You are obviously jealous/hurting and your feelings are valid but you are his mum and can’t be replaced. He is so lucky to have you and also his bonus step mum.

But OP was perfectly happy with this when it suited her to party and holiday with friends. Why should she get to disrupt a very long established routine ?

Especially if she only wants to take him on holidays she would enjoy, not that he would enjoy ?

It’s almost as if she’s more interested in him not having a good relationship with his stepmother than having a good relationship with her.

She sounds like the step mum of dreams, I think YABU x

Don’t be so ridiculous OP - you are sounding very immature

he is in their house for 3 days a week 2 of those when he’s completely not at school - you cannot dictate them being alone - they are a blended family and blending well - you can’t say she can’t be alone with him and nor should you want to - she sound like she loves him becuase she love his dad and HE is her child’s half brother

Stop being so jealous and selfish - did you just want to take him away this year because you were getting h jealous? No wonder he said no

we understand completely - it’s you that are not understanding and you asked our opinions - now you have them you don’t like it

There were my exact thoughts

The same can be said about you, OP. When does your son get mother-son alone time? You can’t complain that your son has developed a close parental relationship with his stepmum when you don’t spend any quality time with him and he’s never even been on holiday with you!

I think part of the issue is that you are doing the hard relentless part of the parenting role, the grind of up in the morning,remembering pe and school stuff, school run, uniform, homework , tired after school, early night . Whereas they have relaxed weekend family time, drama club, reading in bed time. I am not surprised you are feeling that his step mum has got the better end of the deal.

You have my sympathy OP. Your dear son’s step mother is relatively well off, has the support of a good partner, probably has a bigger, more playdate-friendly house, and by the sounds of it has excellent social / networking skills.

I think if I were in your position, maybe struggling as a single-mum - all the stress, and loneliness and insecurity - while Mrs Perfect has created a life like a bowl of cherries for herself and her family… I think I’d feel destroyed. So the fuck what if that’s jealousy?

You’ve also ended up with the wrong end of the week, childcare-wise, as others have pointed out.

I think all you can do is try to go high. You want children to be surrounded by love from as many angles as possible, and here you have another actively helping you to give your son a good start in life. Try to be gracious, and also appreciate what support you do get. It could be a whole lot worse.

If she is being manipulative, then you’ll just have to play it canny, and play the long game. But at the day, your your son’s only mum, and his probably bursts with love for you.

Good luck @Playnoway and go high.

She is married to his Dad, so she is his step-mother.

Because you asked the wrong question - we were never going to undermine what sounds like a brilliant relationship

if you’d have said you were struggling but wanted support with feelings of jealousy you ally have had more supportive posts

This

from someone who’s daughter was actively pushed out the family with good help from her step mum, I’d give my right arm for her to have that. If your son is happy that’s all that matters OP, maybe look into some therapy as these feelings aren’t coming from a good place

It sounds like you’ve been quite passive in your relationship. It’s like you expect to have a special relationship with him just because you’re his mum. However, you still need to work at it.
For example, it’s perfectly normal for a parent to compromise on their ideal holiday for their children. It sounds like you’ve weren’t willing to do that.

It’s great that he has such a strong relationship with her and it sounds like she’s really worked on building and nurturing it. You should be pleased.