AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

Lol I think we know the answer!

I’m sure it’s hard for you to read these comments OP but based on what you have written you are describing a step parent who is fully embracing their blended family whilst trying not not step on your toes. Your DS isn’t seeing her as a ‘Mum’ rather an extra special friend/family member. It sounds like your ex and his partner are trying to ensure both of his biological children feel equally loved. No child can have enough adults loving them.
the danger would come if they were putting you down or being in competition with you.
with regards to the holiday, he’s 9 years old. If you want to book a holiday for the two of you, you book it. You’re a parent. Why can he only have one holiday? Can’t he have one with you and with Dad? Why do they have to be within the same month?

I think you are jealous of their relationship. I understand that is hard. However, I would just be grateful he has lots of parents step and biological who love him.
I consider my step parents as parents and I love them like my own parents. I always say I have 4 parents. Surely that is better than the alternative . You are his Mum and always will be, no one can take that away from you. However, growing up surrounded by love is surely the best you can hope for for you son

You do sound a bit like a passive bystander in their lives. But you are his DM. Is there some backstory here, OP as to why you are less involved in his life? Are you wanting to change the situation now? It does seem odd that you don't spend any non-school time with him. Are you lacking confidence because of something? It also sounds as though your ex would gladly help you be more involved, so what is holding you back exactly?🌺

I have to be honest, I don't mean to sound nasty but you do sound jealous of this woman. She has done nothing wrong. The point where she wouldn't let anyone meet her baby until your son had - what a wonderful kind gesture to make sure he doesn't feel pushed out.

From the things you have said so far; you haven't had much fun time with it all, you go out with mates while he goes to his dads, you go on holiday with mates while he holidays with his dad, you don't take him on holiday because he doesn't like the type of holiday you like and you find him 'stressful'. Do you know how that all sounds?

Then you say you don't even know the parents at school, don't talk to them but stepmum knows them all.

There are do many things you could have done differently. Better, even.

Don't spoil the lovely relationship he has with this woman for God's sake, you'll end up pushing him into wanting to live with them.

Then you comment that on a mum's group you thought people might understand.

We have read what you have written and I'm sorry to say you haven't painted yourself in a very good light.

"I never wanted to spend quality time with my son and am now mad that another woman has a great relationship with him after she made an effort to spend quality time with him."

Summarised your post OP.

Sorry but I think you’re being swayed by the green eyed monster OP

If you want a better relationship with your son - you need to centre his needs (not yours quite so much) Maybe see if he could come to you one weekend a month and concentrate on doing things he likes. Ditto holidays.
From what you have said yourself, it's not really surprising he enjoys being at his Dad's. The SM is kind and loving and it's a great family dynamic.
I'm sorry it's hurtful for you - your DS is perfectly capable of loving both sides of his family, but you need to focus on improving your relationship with him, not complaining about his SM.

This makes you sound SUPREMELY selfish!!!!
I can't believe you just described your own child as "stressful"! Of course he doesn't enjoy just relaxing by the pool, he's 9!!

You have opted out of a huge chunk of his life and are now jealous that he has an understandably stronger bond with his other family.

Grow up.

I actually think you're incredibly lucky that he has a caring, loving and maternal step-mum in his life. There are so many posts on here of people complaining about awful step parents.

I understand if you're jealous though, as hearing your child gloat about another woman must be really hard.
Do you read with your son and get special time with him too?

I can’t fault your ex or step mum

they are in with parents because they are obviously doing more of the clubs and parties etc if they have him at weekend

you would have got more support if you’d said you were struggling with adjusting - rather than villifying other parents

you are feeling displaced - your comment is odd about the holiday - most parents don’t expect to sit round the pool if their kids are with them - you didn’t want do what kids want to do

you sound like you want your cake and eat it too

Grow up! You're his mum not his best friend, and nor should you ever be!

You sound very passive in your relationship with your son, you have prioritised holidays with your friends and when you have holidayed with him have put your enjoyment before his. I have 2 sons and holidays were always based on what they would enjoy first off.
His step mum sounds like she has really made the effort to find out what he likes and ensure he has a good time when he’s at their house.
It sounds like he has a good time with them and you are unbeatably envious.
I think you need to make more effort or you may find he will want to live at Dad’s full time.

There’s so much going on here op. You let the dad have him on weekends because you liked going out on weekends. You don’t take him on holiday because he doesn’t like the holidays you like. Perhaps you should consider being a bit more flexible with your son and perhaps go on a holiday that he likes rather than what you like. That’s actually what most parents do. . He might like his stepmum so much because she is more flexible about what he likes and will do things he likes with him?

You are not your child's friend.
You are there Mum.

You can't dictate how Ex uses or doesn't use his time with DS. Ex will do as he wants - learn to let this go DS is 9.
My Ex would be taking DS to a different woman's house every few weeks. Letting the next step mum have a go at playing mummies and daddies. It killed me but nothing I could do it was Exs time.

I am so grateful for my DMIL she isn't my DS bio nana, she tells everyone she has 6 grandchildren and my DS is her eldest GS.

Now your DS is older you may want to look at changing the days so you have weekends also, then you can have the cuddle days also.

Your DS loves you and you are his Mum. Try to be thankful he has a solid network of people to support him.

Er, she is his family - she's his stepmother. Don't you want him to be happy when he's at her place?

But the new baby might end up with a stepmum, at which point OP will spontaneously combust.

Have you heard of the expression "You reap what you sow" @Playnoway

it means that your current actions, behaviours, and decisions directly determine your future outcomes and consequences.

Purely from what you've posted, you have never taken your lad on holiday because you prefer to go with friends.

eta "I’ve never taken him as he’s very stressful and enjoys holidays like theme parks or city breaks. He’s not interested in just going to the pool and relaxing which is what I enjoy"

By the time he comes home from his Dad's on Sunday evening you only have him before/after school from Monday to Wednesday and Thurs am.

Extrapolating therefore, you are, at best, spending 6 hrs per day x 3 times a week with your son.

Does it really surprise then, that your son may not be as close as you would like?

His Dad and Step Mum appear to be somewhat more involved.

You only need to look on the step parents board @Playnoway to see, just, how lucky your son is to have such a lovely step Mum.

Be happy for him, not jealous (which it feels like you are)

This must be so hard for you ❤️ I do wonder if it would help if you split the weekend - only having him post school is rubbish for you both, you just get the tired stressy time and none of the fun relaxed family time. Can you swap to Weds - Sat pm? So you get one day of the weekend each? Or switch the arrangement entirely so you have 1 week and weekend each, and swap each Sunday evening?

his relationship with his stem mum sounds incredible, for him. But I can really appreciate how hard that must be for you. I hope you get to spend more weekend/holiday time with him so you get to have a little more fun with him outside of all the mid week routine xx

This thread can’t be real surely? You can’t be this selfish as a parent and wonder why the kid is responding more to the parents who put him first consistently?

Nothing wrong with stepmother, but you need to revisit the time you spend with your son. You should have equal weekend and holiday time as your ex. Your son needs to do fun things with you, at the moment you don't have him at times when that is possible.

I think it’s really lovely that she wanted your son to be the first to meet his sibling. That’s a really nice bond he has with his step mum.

I can understand why you’re upset, you want to be the one he’s best friends with, you want to be the one that he wants to go on holiday with and have special time with however, sadly years ago your prioritised your son spending weekends with his father so you could eh you going out.

You have prioritised your type of summer holiday over his. Of course she knows friends and their parents more as the father and step mum will be the ones doing birthday party drop offs and all that.

Sorry but your son has a fantastic relationship with his step mum, I don’t see anything weird , I see a woman who has tried hard to be part of your son and his father’s life, she has helped make a home for him. She’s supported him and is a main figure in his life.

You had your priorities wrong, at some point surely you realised he would go to school so would spend the majority of his day there. Holidays when you have children do become something the children enjoy rather than just sitting by a pool. You need to sacrifice some of the things you like to do the things your child likes. At the end of the day it then becomes the stuff you love because you spend time with your kids when they are happy.

You have no idea how lucky you and your son both are.

Do you know how rare it is for children to even have a person in their life who treats them with such kindness?

Many children don't even have 1 good parent.

I could've only wished to be as included and loved by my step mum.

I've read your other replies.

So he spends every weekend with his Dad?

Maybe the arrangement needs changing so you get more time together, but without sounding harsh, it kind of sounds like you've prioritised nights out and socialising over time with your Son.. So he's understandably built a bond with his father and step mum due to the extensive free time he's spent around them

This, you reap what you sow. Didn’t you/don’t you work?

you seem upset that she is a more engaged and considerate (step) parent to your son than you, your posts are weirdly detached.

step up to match her efforts, don’t expect her to lower hers for your comfort, and at your son’s expense!