Stay at home parent

[123mother]

Why do people think a stay at home parent doesn't work? That they have so much time on their hands? Am I wrong in thinking I have less of a break then my partner brining in the pay check

I don't WFH. I don't have a paid job. What I mean is that my children require care, despite being at school (they are 6, ,9, 11and 13) Like all through the school holidays and everyday after school ! Obviously X they could be 'left' as you say. My point is that it is better for them not to be left but to be properly cared for by me.

I do think a sahp works. I also think the flexibility given to a partner enables them to earn more. FWIW, I find working a lot easier (but horses for courses). I do think being a sahp is wrongly undervalued sometimes. I have a sibling who has never had to use a babysitter (grandparents) or have those frantic conversations as to whose work deadline is the most important that day or to who is going to work til 1 am so they can enjoy quality time with kids in an evening/help with homework/drive to clubs.

It depends on your child/ren. I been a working mum and a SAHM. Being a SAHM with my DDs was easier than working because they were easy children (DD1 especially).
Being a SAHM to DS is much harder. He is 5 but has severe autism (along with some more minor health issues) and so is only at school 3 hours a day on a good day. There is far more work with DS as there's always appointments to attend and funding and suitable schools to fight for alongside school runs and cleaning. I guess I do sort of get paid as I do get Carers Allowance.
I miss working in some ways adult interaction, decent wages, lunch break, travel time and feeling I've achieved something. My work were also good at thanking you after a tough day. No-one thanks a SAHM after a shit day.
I really think you can't say it's easier to work or easier to be a SAHM because each child and family is different. (Although I do laugh when people say at least you can just stay at home in your PJ's. Oh I wish. DS has to be out of the house for at least 2 hours after school for there to be any chance of him and me sleeping. As you can see it doesn't always work).

I’ve done both. Staying at home is much easier as you have the time to parent. Going out to an office to work means you half arse everything and feel constant guilt. Also the house falls down around your ears. It’s like this - there’s tiles missing off my roof. If I was a SAHP I would arrange for a roofer. As it is, I know where a bucket is and I’m hoping I’ve got the energy to phone around one of these fine days. After work today maybe? Unlikely, I have a deadline. Maybe the weekend.

It’s comments like this that make you sound obnoxious, you get that I assume. I’m doing everything you do, backwards and in high heels (as Ginger Rogers put it). Be a SAHM if that works for you but please don’t imply you’re working as hard/harder than a mum who works outside the home as well. You’re simply not.

the only people that think that are the partners on here that are emotionally and financially abusing their wives/girlfriends.

as a SAHM my husband actually pays me £200 a month so I can have savings too. I know this isn't the same for everyone but when I explained to him that I'm taking a loss career wise and doing a lot more work than him we thought it made sense I get some kind of compensation lol. it isn't much but atleast while I'm not paying into a pension atleast I have something aside for myself in the future. ( not married btw but engaged to be)

Pays you 200 a month?
And you are unmarried and are not paying into a pension
One lucky lady (not)

This is intended with absolutely no hate but what do you thinking working parents do about housework and childcare etc? We also have to do that on top of working.

DH and I work opposite one another so no other childcare but us and we both work full time also.

Both comes with it’s own challenges but questions like this are trying to pit one against the other has one being harder….it’s all hard and everyone struggles different 🤷🏼‍♀️

When I was working DH was also working and the kids were with a CM I had hardly any housework. House,was clean and tidy because no-one was in it 5 days a week for more than a few hours. Two evenings a week I cleaned main areas (kitchen, bathroom and sitting room). Saturday about 2 hours for the rest of the house and an online shop after work.
Being responsible for every meal, having at least one child at home, being expected to do all the cleaning, shopping, laundry while also keeping a SEN child safe and ensuring they get at least 2 hours of exercise a day is much much harder.
I miss work.

yeah he puts £200 into savings for me because that's what we can afford? we're engaged so soon to be married. don't be jealous!

considering I don't work don't have to pay any bills so all I need to do is worry about our child I don't think I'm in a bad situation. I have some savings. it may not be much but I think compared to how so many woman on here are being financially abused i feel that my partner is fair in what he does. don't try and make me feel a type of way because my circumstances are different to yours. when I can work again I will but in the meantime having some money saved is a blessing.

I am afraid you have no idea what I do, just as I don't know what you do or how demanding it is. My point is that the mere fact if getting paid for something, does not mean it is harder. Id you find that obnoxious, i think k you are mistaken. I do work as hard as many people in paid roles. Many women in full time work also work hard/harder than me. You can't possibly know enough to make a meaningful comparison. I stand by my point that the particular set up I have with my children would be impossible to deliver alongside a full time role. I could do less of it to make room for paid work, but in our case, it would deplete my children's life.

It depends on the age(s) of the children and the type of job you did previously. For me, being at home with two preschoolers only 18 months apart was a lot easier than working out of the home. Unfortunately finances meant I had to return to work. Personally, I think the whole narrative around it’s so hard being a SAHP is a myth - just own it! If you’re lucky enough to be able to afford for one parent to stay at home that’s great. But don’t pretend it’s harder than going out to work.

I think the 'narrative' , as you describe it has emerged because sahps have to defend their position constantly. If people just accepted it was a valuable way to spend your life and gave it some credit, we wouldn't have to spend time explaining what it involves, or justifying our position. The equivalent for paid roles is if the general opinion was that your job was easy, your work was dispensable, required no skill or recognition, you were lazy /you were freeloading, a traitor to the feminist cause etc, you might feel affronted too.

The issue is that everyone feels judged. SAHP for being lazy and WOHP for being crap parents. You've done that yourself in your insistence that your children need to have you at home to do what you are doing or they are worse off.

When you get in from a long day at work and then have to be a present parent and maintain your household being told you are outsourcing isn't going to go down well

Yes!

I found I had less to do working than as a sahp because when I did things they stayed that way because the children weren’t home to make messes and DH wfh would clean up after himself as expected and wh . I could put laundry on in the evenings and put the delay setting on and clothes would be done so either DH could take them out if he had a moment or I would when everything was settled. Scheduling of appts and going through school emails done on the bus to/from work vs having my attention divided or having to stop due to toddler and having to remind myself to go back to it. I had blocks of time to do tasks uninterrupted and finish them quickly when I was a working parent vs being a sahp.

haha I don't know in which part of the world you live, but i don't know anyone who can work 7-3 😂, or even 9:30 to 5:30 frankly, and that's assuming they work next door and don't have any commute. Some parents work part-time during school hours, don't get me wrong, but that's part-time.

I don’t think I know any families who have cleaners
interesting, I don't think I know many who don't, and my local FB groups are flooded by people looking for cleaners because most people can't (and refuse) to manage without one.

In fact lots of our children quite enjoy joining in and pretending to hoover, sweep and mop oh yes, the favourite activity of children past the age of 2 and teenagers 😂

All the kids I know are at clubs and doing interesting activities, thankfully no one is forced to stay home and do family clean.

Your post sounds great in theory if you want, but I don't know any family where it would be physically possible, unless one works part-time at the most.

I get that it is hard for some working parents.I do not mean to imply that their children are somehow worse off than mine. It is pointless comparing. If a family is lucky enough to have the choice (like the majority of people in the western developed world do) whether or not to have children, one of the considerations is how you will bring them up, what you choose to prioritise in many and various ways. One factor is how you will pay for that, another is balance of ambition/ fulfillment etc especially for women. Here is the process of weighing up priorities . I do not presume to judge other people's life choices. Our choice was to have 4 children and to for me to be at home to bring them up. This has nothing to do with other people's parenting choices. By my measures, my children are better off this way. Of course I don't expect other people to adhere to the same measures as me.

You make a fair point @shouldntbeonhereagain However, sometimes when I read the lists of tasks that SAHPs say they’re doing it’s like they’re protesting too much: life admin, sorting appointments (surely that is life admin), organising presents for birthday parties (also life admin), meal planning etc. These are all tasks everyone has to do, SAH or not, and it just smacks of exaggeration. For me, that’s where I can feel my eyes rolling. My experience of being at home was relaxed, no rush to be out the door by 7.30, plenty of time to complete all of the above jobs along with swathes of free time. But then I was a mum decades ago when perhaps we parented differently and I accept that my experience is exactly that, my experience. Different for everyone.
Overall though I still think it’s the easier option to stay at home.

Not really sure why that's funny? Working in construction, hours are often 7-3. It's a very normal work pattern.

I was a teacher and often had Dad's in their work gear doing pick up.

Most dads in my school wear suits! or at least smart/casual.
@FlakyRedDreamer yes most kids I know are in after school clubs/activities and not doing chores and cleaning. Are we living in Dickensian times now 🤔

Going to assume you don’t know many people then? I work 7-3, my husband chooses his hours and so chooses to do 9:30-5:30 working in financial services, BIL works 7-3 in a factory, 2 of my best friends work 7-3 in healthcare, another of our friends works 7-3 in Tesco, another friend works 7-3 in IT. Civil Service is brilliant for flexible working and so you could choose 7-3, 8-4, 9-5, whatever works. Another of our friends works local council and has flexible working so can choose her hours. My sister works in recruitment and is 8-4. I could go on😂 so as I say, I’ll assume you don’t know many people who work?

I genuinely don’t think I know anyone who has a cleaner, maybe there isn’t a market for it here because I don’t even see it on local Fb pages. There are some posts from bin cleaners and people looking for grass cutters but that’s about it.

If your kids over the age of 2 aren’t helping to clean and tidy then you’re raising really shitty future adults who don’t know how to take care of themselves or their homes!

Thankfully all of our kids are very happy, well rounded and loved😂

I’d rather my kids went to clubs/activities or read rather than cleaned. Sure when they’re 16 and can go to work they should then contribute some or do chores if they’re not in full time education or during the holidays etc

most people who work flexible hours are not in the private sector.

I'd rather (and make sure) my kids do both!

And why exactly does it matter if people are working in the private sector or not?

Private sector pays more and you get more benefits (private healthcare, pensions, etc).
I know because my dh works in construction and we struggle plus he doesn’t get paid holidays, private healthcare, no redundancy etc etc