Stay at home parent

[123mother]

Why do people think a stay at home parent doesn't work? That they have so much time on their hands? Am I wrong in thinking I have less of a break then my partner brining in the pay check

lol yeah the salary you will use to pay bills...

Half of the bills.

good for you lol I still prefer to be home with my toddler, pay no bills and have some savings..

I am happy in my arrangement and some other poster was trying to put me down about it so I stood up for myself and now your trying to join in too.

lovely bit of support on a site that women are meant to be using to help one another.

I think considering a lot of women on here say how they have no pension no job and no savings I think my partner is kind in helping me to save while I look after our son. you may not agree with it but id rather that then be not working and have nothing...

but yeah keep putting people down - if it makes you feel better!

The other option, of course, is to work and not have nothing.

I would guess that most of the people you’re speaking to either work, and have more than £200, or have husbands that are contributing more than £200.

SAHPs are (generally) middle class, with high earning husbands that earn more than many couples do combined - that’s how they afford it.

Whilst my other posts have been about getting paid by a man to do household tasks, and my general views on that, even I can see and admit that women are generally paid well for it.

I don’t think anyone will be jealous of someone in an insecure and abusive financial situation.

I don't have nothing lol. My home and bills are all paid for. I have access to money when I need it. PLUS a small but of savings each month JUST FOR ME. My partner continues everything lol so I'm not sure why you are implying he doesn't contibute more than £200?

We are not middle class or high earners we had an inheritance brought a home and his wages cover everything. Obviously when my son starts nursery/school I can and will work again.

I think your trying really hard to make me feel like Im in a shit situation when actually I have no financial worries, I get to spend time with my child, my partner treats me well and is fair and believe it or not does help with house work and chores too because he's a competent adult.

So why don't you keep your opinions to yourself if you don't have anything nice to say!

I was just making a point on my original post that mostly it's men who think they work harder than women who are at home with the kids. That is my opinion.

I think it's bizarre that some of you think in being financially abused and say I'm insecure when you literally jumped on me for having an opinion and explaining in my experience I have financial freedom which makes being a sahp easier.

my comment saying don't be jealous was because the poster below me started trying to be rude to me.

I still 100% would rather not work, have no bills to pay and have savings (even if it's a small amount) some people may not prefer that but I do!!

I think there is a lot of jealousy and hate towards women who make the choice and legitimate plan to stay at home and look after their children (mostly from other women). It's strange because these are also usually the women who apparently champion women's rights to choose. It seems they only support the notion of choice if the choices are identical to their own. I think sometimes it's ignorance, sometimes jealousy or insecurity.Many women are helpful, supportive and understanding of the sacrifices made and consequences of either decision (to work or not). There is no perfect way, nothing is without compromise. It would be much easier if these women just stopped lashing out! E joy your time with your child/ren and well done. For standing up against the anti feminists! X

Can people stop piling on the poster with the £200 savings? It's coming across as very sneery and rude. That might not be loads in your world but not everyone has loads of money after bills are paid, working or not.

Both DH and I work part time and share childcare between us. We could each work more and earn more but we are comfortable enough. I prefer our set up to the unevenness of a sahp but I still think my days at home are easier than my work days, sorry. That doesn't mean it's not a valuable thing to be at home with your kids, but it really don't think it does anyone any favours to act as if being at home with your kids is relentless work far harder than working out of the home. Maybe back in the day before washing machines etc were invented that was true.

I know I think £200 is still good considering only one of us works. I think my partner is a good man and is conscious of my role as a mother and supports me the best he can. Im shocked that people are so quick to put me down for that. When my eldest was 10 months old I went back to work doing 40 hours a week so my circumstances were very different with my ex and I was scraping to get by so for me this does feel very fortunate.

My intention isn’t to sneer. I think it’s genuinely hilarious that anyone would tell working women, with financial independence and money of their own, and all that that entails, that a kind man saves money for them.

I see no need to, but I could leave my partner tomorrow and manage financially. I have my own savings, that I build myself, out of a salary that I have earned. Why would I be “jealous” of someone getting £200 put to one side by a nice man?

I also think that “you’ve got bills to pay and I haven’t” is a really strange brag. We’re adults. Adults pay bills. Bragging about how you don’t have to because said nice man does it for you just comes off grabby.

My partner is a wonderful man because he does his equal share of everything, and doesn’t expect me to either carry their financial weight (I’m the breadwinner) or carry the domestic weight (because I’m a woman). That’s what equality looks like, not just having a kind man who pays your council tax.

I have previously worked and will again work because yes I am an adult. While I am not working I have some money to save each month which helps me out - proper hilarious that isn't it?

If we split up tomorrow I also would be fine but I wouldn't be able to stay at home with my son like I do now and that would be pretty crap but financially I have no worries.

It's not grabby that my partner supports me lol. I don't have bills to pay like I said he pays for the bills, my car and my phone because I look after our child every day so I don't have any income. it wasn't a brag it's just my circumstances and again I am quite happy to be in this situation.

Equality for me is being a team and that isn't always 50/50. If I worked and we paid for childcare we would financially be in the same situation but I wouldn't spend as much time with my son so who does that actually benefit?

I'm not sure who told you lied to you but not all relationships are the same or have the same circumstances and what works for one person doesn't always work for another.

It's great that you feel you have financial freedom from going to work. if that is what makes you feel good - cool! but don't say it's hilarious that I don't work and my partner supports me as if it's beneath you. I am happy in my relationship and I am so blessed to spend every day with my son without the worry of bills or going to work after a night of broken sleep.

That might look like equality at home but ultimately we are all locked into an unequal capitalist system so perhaps it matters less than you think.

it's baffling because there are people who claim benefits and get put down all the time and we don't claim anything we rely completely on my partner's wage and still I'm getting out down lol. sorry I'm not putting my son into nursery and working to pay the fees and not see him. what a ridiculous perspective

I did say in an earlier post that I view optional unemployment as just that. I don’t believe people who could work, should rely on the state.

I also don’t believe that we should rely on anyone else to pay more than their fair share of the household costs.

It does cost someone when people don’t work. It costs the tax payer. Yes the husbands of SAHPs pay tax, but the SAHP themselves opt out. You may not be costing in terms of benefits, but you’re not contributing either.

To be completely candid, as the parent of a disabled child, I’m bored of people telling me that we need to cut disability benefits (or any other benefit) or the country is going to collapse, when there are thousands of people choosing to opt out of the workforce and meaningful tax contributions.

I also have a disabled child and still worked full time and will work full time once my youngest is in nursery. it isn't optional unemployment I am looking after my son at home while his dad works because me going to work then paying nursery fees is ridiculous..I have been a tax payer and will be a tax payer and if I want to take time out to look after my son I can and will.

"I also don’t believe that we should rely on anyone else to pay more than their fair share of the household costs."

lol I'm relying on my partner who is my child's dad, for a couple of years until he can go into childcare.

You are entitled to believe what you want but we are just going back and forth about something that doesn't make any but of difference to either of our lives. I do however think you should consider whether you are actually happy working and contributing as you put it because you seem really unhappy about the fact I don't have to work and my partner supports me for a short time. I am sorry if you haven't had that luxury but maybe it's time to reflect on the kind of man you are with as apose to tearing me and mine down...

I earn more than my partner, by quite some way, and wouldn’t have it any other way. He doesn’t not support me because he’s selfish, he doesn’t support me because I wouldn’t allow it.

I find value in working, because despite being the very busy and tired parent of a disabled kid - I’m also more than that. Staying at home to clean and bake all day would drive me up the wall.

But thank you for your concern!

I love cooking and cleaning and doing activities with my son.

Let's agree to disagree ☺️

Error

How can you work full time with a disabled child? Genuinely, I couldn't do it. DS only does 3 hours a day at school and I know not all disabled children need that level of support but many do.
How do you fit in appointments and meetings? I probably average about one meeting or appointment every week, does your manager just say okay, go ahead.
What about applying for DLA or appeals for school places? I don't know how you can do all that if you're working full-time (I did it when DS was at nursery when his needs weren't so obvious). I struggle with it despite being at home. That's not taking in to account the extra cleaning and washing because DS smears at night.

Is this a classic poster starting a war on a controversial topic and running away?…

On a serious note, you can’t compare the 2. You can’t compare a SAHP whose children are at school who get 7 hours free time a day to someone who is a SAHP with young children or babies. You can’t say what’s harder or not unless you’ve done both yourself and even then it’s just your experience.

I work part time, some days at home are harder than work and some days I struggle when I work with the rush of getting home after a full day and then having to look after DS do housework etc.

With difficulty!

My partner and I both have very flexible employers - mine is even more so, I basically manage my own diary and workload. I’m a senior manager, and a lot of what I do involves reports and meetings - as long as they’re done by a certain time/date where relevant, nobody cares. I’m lucky that I’d worked to that point in an industry that I’m competent in before our son’s needs arrived where they are now.

We are under a lot of professionals but mostly by email/phone at present. Meetings we either use leave from work or I go because my work has most the flex.

We’re lucky that my son does access school 8-3:30, we do one of the school runs each and any hours/time I’ve missed, I make up on an evening while my partner watches him. Paperwork I do either do by using A/L from work, or fit it in where I can.

The real killers are days like today. Last night we all woke up 11-12:30, and then got up at 3:30 for the day. I logged on at 7am today, horrendously tired.

Housework is a challenge. I won’t lie, I may get a cleaner. We’ve got a smearer too, so we change his bed upwards of 3 times a day, and his clothes. Everything needs cleaning, always. I try and keep on top of washing by putting one on before the school run, another at lunch, and another while dinners in.

There is plenty in this house to keep us busy. I’m just very very stubborn and refuse to give up a career I’ve worked hard for to exclusively focus on shit covered sheets.

Work keeps me sane, it is my respite - if all I had was sleepless nights and lasagne covered walls I think I’d lose my mind, so I just take the tiredness and get on with it.

I also like the flexibility of income it gives us. Our house is expensive to run, and our son costs a fortune in replacement broken items and very quick wear and tear of things. He’s on his 3rd tablet since Feb last year, bedsheets are often ruined beyond rescue, he’s had 2 beds in 2 years. We’re able to manage that, and take him on (UK) holidays and experiences that we couldn’t possibly manage on DLA and UC (which we don’t receive as we’re way too high earning).

Constantly having to replace beds and sheets here too and sofas. His understanding is very limited he doesn't really understand why he can't bounce on items. Tell him no, he stops starts again. He does have a trampoline but prefers the bed.
My career (only thing I'm qualified in) just doesn't have any flexibility. DH does but only to a certain extent.
I absolutely couldn't do what I do and work but I'm impressed you can manage it.

if your child has an ehcp you could apply for a specialist school? my son attends a specialist school so can do a full time table and they offer holiday clubs with care that caters to his needs. we use DLA to pay for this we save through the year then pay for it during the holidays while I'm working too.

I took 2 weeks annual leave when my son was diagnosed and researched everything he needed and got most things in place at that point and now other than annual ehcp reviews follow up hospital and therapies I don't usually miss as much work when I am working. whilst I am off work now I have some of his appointments which we've waited years for so it helps doing it during this time.

my partner (who is not my disabled sons dad) is allowed time off if he needs to help me as his employer is disability conscious and he can be flexible as it's a family run organisation and they take care of their staff quite well..

my partner also helps me do any of the house work and fixing broken things too so it makes things easier.

I think it's hard work having a disabled child and if he wasn't in his specialist school I would not be able to work as he'd have to be at home with me..

whilst he was little before I met my partner I worked full time as I was a single parent and had to so I could afford to live and he stayed with my parents all day. this was bloody difficult as we didn't know he had autism and they found it quite stressful.

If PP’s son has limited understanding, and smears, I would assume he’s already in some sort of specialist provision that he still can’t access. Mainstream wouldn’t cope with that level of need for even 3hrs.

That is an assumption though, might be wrong.

Im not sure I could fit all of our paperwork into 2 weeks A/L, it’s like an ongoing forever project!

Amazingly DS is in mainstream, although the school have created an extra room for him and 2 others with SEN, so he's in that classroom all the time which is a bit like a SEN setting.
Ridiculous LA say he doesn't need a special school, despite our rainforest of evidence that says otherwise so we've had to appeal and waiting to go to tribunal.
And it always seems like there's something else to do, another form, another meeting...