Stay at home parent

[123mother]

Why do people think a stay at home parent doesn't work? That they have so much time on their hands? Am I wrong in thinking I have less of a break then my partner brining in the pay check

You gave me your list....I gave you mine. What did I compromise on exactly?

There's wrap around care and wrap around care. An hour after school is not the same as 7-6 as a baby. I wouldn't consider an hour after school as much of a compromise, the working parent is just doing the school run/homework/play an hour later than the SAHP. There's no difference.

7-6 as a baby is outsourcing, fine, but needs must. The parent would still be doing all the normal things you do with a baby/toddler, just maybe only once or twice a day instead of 10 times a day. And all weekend.

It is rediculous. If you need to justify it to yourself, go ahead. I'm confident enough in my choice to be a SAHP to know it's the easier option, that's why I'm doing it for a while. I need the easier option for now.

NB: easier does not necessarily mean easy.

They definitely do. I was really young when I had my first child (16), when you’re that young it’s a free for all for the world to tell you their opinion of how lazy you are. Even though you’re actually doing far more than most your age, night feeds etc.
And no my parents did not do everything for me I didn’t even live with them.

When you’re older people tend not to criticise you to your face

How can you possibly deem it acceptable to tell a stranger their descion to raise their own children (and not have a paid job) is not a 'valid choice?' That is utterly ridiculous! Who gave you the right to decide what choices another human being should make ? To characterise feminism under your own, narrow terms? What do you mean by a valid choice ?! This is exactly the sort of women on women.combative attitude that is so prevalent, it's so depressing.

For the last time, I am not trying to prove it is harder, or the same as working full time. I am just saying it is a valid, and demanding full time enterprise with far more nebulous and qualitative outcomes than a standard remunerated job. We have decided to have children and give them a certain sort of life. Someone would have to do all of the things I do to maintain that (if you accept they are necessary, which we do) I can do them all, because I did work, someone else would have to do them and we would have to pay for that. Some of them wouldn't happen. Given that I have already said we value those things, it is clear that that would be the compromise (for us).

I don't think that, I know it's hard, that's why I have a paid job, it's way easier!

I’m a SAHP due to a large inheritance (sadly my parents both died within 2 years of each other) which as an only child receiving the lump sum allowed us to pay off 600k mortgage on a 3 bed semi. I don’t have to ever work now but we struggled before on DH wage of only 55k a year post tax and family of 4. Now without mortgage a we have enough on just his wage (for x2 holidays abroad per year and luxuries like eating out twice a week etc).
however I still do the cleaning, chores, house work, ironing etc. Kids homework, meals. And it is tough being a sahp. I honestly don’t know how you can do both (work too)without help!

I agree people who work own dogs! I continuing with a stance that people who work don't own dogs' Several.posters asked me ' want on earth I do all day' (quote). One of the things I do is wLk my dogs. If I was out at work I would pay for someone else to walk the dogs. That's all!

All the families I know who both work and have a dog have to have dog walkers.

Because we’re all entitled to opinions, and that’s mine.

Nobody says you have to like that opinion, but you also don’t have to feel personally attacked by it.

I don’t decide anyone else’s choices, I’m also not obliged to agree with them.

I mentioned valid choices because you asked in your post for other women to accept that is a valid choice. I don’t agree that it is, would you like me to lie to you? If you’re convinced it’s the right choice for your family, why does whether I accept it or not even matter?

FYI - we’re all raising our own children, I haven’t given mine to next door to bring up.

I've said the whole way through the thread that it's a valid choice.

The OP was saying it's harder than her DHs full time job and he gets more of a break. Being a SAHP is not a full-time job (unless you have a useless partner - another point I raised up thread). You've chosen to do all the necessary things during the day to make life easier, that's a valid choice. But it does not mean working parents aren't doing those things. It doesn't mean they're compromising or outsourcing those things. They might do, but that's a choice. As is not working.

But trying to justify the choice of being a SAHP by saying it's as time consuming as working and doing normal life stuff is just rediculous. You can just justify your choice of being a SAHP by saying it's a choice. That's it. You've made that choice. Own it.

If one's opinion is offensive and extends specifically to my personal situation, it ceases to be merely an opinion, and becomes also an insult. For example, if I maintain that someone is inferior because they come from a particular country, that is an opinion. It is also racist and a personal attack. Of course I don't 'have to agree with you' . I was hoping to share my perspective on a forum and to nform you of other ways of looking at the world. I suggest if you are speaking on behalf of women/rasing the feminist agenda, you might at least try to consider that there are many different female perspectives than just yours.

I'm genuinely unsure what you mean by owning it? I have never denied it's a choice. I don't go around telling people if they were more efficient, they could have managed 4 children instead of 1 or 2. All I am asking is for the same courtesy to be extended to SAHP. They have made a choice, just as a working parent has. There are consequences to those choices. I never understand why this particular issue is one where everyone feels justified in judging other women, when other areas just get left alone.

It’s not the same as racism, and you know it. You know that was a stretch.

Offended is a choice. I am not offended if someone doesn’t agree with my opinions and lifestyle choices, because it’s not their life. I don’t care a single iota if you think that my choice to work makes me a shit mum or employee. You’re not my boss, or child.

I understand that some women make the informed choice to be paid for running their houses and caring for their children, by their husband.

Why they make that choice is beyond me, but that doesn’t have to be your job to convince me.

But I am doing what you’re doing, on top of a full time job. You can roll yours in glitter, if you prefer. It couldn’t make me laugh at you any more.

I don't know how you reach the conclusion.that I compared your opinion to racism. I was using an example to illustrate how a personal opinion can be, at the same time, an insult.
You seem to struggle to make this anything but a personal debate (For example, you say 'I understand some women choose to be...paid by thier husband'; a comment clearly designed to conflate SAHP with servitude, and a personal affront).
I know it's not my job to convince you. I guess I am an optimistic person and I am also passionate about the importance of developing a society where people's value system does not solely revolve around monetary exchange. I am glad I can choose freely to spendy life with my children. I am equally glad my daughter could choose to do otherwise. I hope that women might find better ways to engage with alternative realities and live alongside each other supportively, instead of turning on each other. I wish you all the best.

That's not a very grown up, or helpful response. Consequently, I am not really sure what you mean (but I am glad I am cause for you to feel amused!)

You've spent the whole thread saying you couldn't possibly work because of how much you do. And time and time again, posters have said that they do all that AND work. You're making excuses for not working. You don't need to. Just own your choice to be a SAHP.

No judging, just eye-rolling at the rediculousness of the busy-comparatives you're using to justify your choices. It doesn't need justification.

But the posters who say they do what I do and work full time, do NOT in fact do what I do, on top of full time work. That would not be possible in our set up. I don't understand why they are insisting that they do the same as me. I am not claiming I do the same as them. They are different lives, that's the whole point. Of course they do washing and cooking and pick ups. But they do not spend the same time doing the same number and distance of pick ups as me for example. It would be necessary to get someone else to do it or some of it, if I were at work. It is very obvious that you can pay someone else to do it, because people do all the time, because they have to work full time. The sheer volume and type of things I do to support my children are not compatible with full time work, which is obviously why I made the choice I made. I realise I am coming across as belligerent, but I really object to people pronouncing about things they know nothing about. I have many friends who work full time in 'big' jobs or as medics for example. They are all fully aware they are not able to do the things I do because of their work.They wouldn't presume to be arrogant enough to claim that they manage it all on top.of work, and are open about that. They are the first to recognise their compromises.(and I recognise their advantages too) but they have chosen to prioritise differently. That's fine. Just don't say things that are inaccurate about people you don't know.
I don't really mind how other people organise their life admin, I'm just saying there isn't time to do the kind we do, and a full time job. That's why I keep saying it. The things I do instead of paid work are a choice, but they are also not things I could do if I also did a full time job. It's really quite simple!

I have many friends who work full time in 'big' jobs or as medics for example. They are all fully aware they are not able to do the things I do because of their work.

totally agree with this. These types of professions, medics, lawyers, finance etc can’t do “flexi hours” really so they’re not able to work around the school run and pick up their kids etc. Also these jobs often demand longer hours, after work drinks/meetings.
But the positive side to that is the high pay.

I think it's fair to acknowledge that most SAHPs will do a bit more hands on childcare than WOHPs. I don't have any issue acknowledging that.

I do have a bit of an issue when they start trying to portray themselves as better parents (not backed up by the evidence) or much busier that everyone else (patently not true). But I'm perfectly happy to acknowledge that they typically do a bit more childcare.

Yet you still haven't given a single example of anything you do that working parents don't do.

I can assure you I am not jealous

🤣

No, I’m not jealous of anyone’s £200 either, and certainly won’t be when my whole salary arrives 😂

For goodness sake, I am not saying that working parents don't do some of the things I do. I am saying that I do more of them with my children than I would if I were working full time. How can you not understand that? What would be the point of people paying for wrap around care/ holiday clubs/boarding schools/cleaners /gardeners/ care/tutors/cleaners/dog walkers if their parents who were both working full time were also able to do it all? It's so obvious I don't know how else to put it. I am not with my children if I am working. I am not able to devote as much time and energy to them if I am focusing on work. They would not have the same number of siblings, pets, access to half of the clubs and activities they do, the enhanced education and teaching support from me, their friends wouldn't come over as much, they wouldn't have such good food or such a focused attention around the school day and at weekends. I wouldn't be able to attend all their concerts, dances, plays, assemblies and music performances. I wouldn't volunteer at their school.so wouldn't have such a good relationship with the staff. They wouldn't do so many instruments, languages or clubs. Why is that so difficult to understand?