Stay at home parent

[123mother]

Why do people think a stay at home parent doesn't work? That they have so much time on their hands? Am I wrong in thinking I have less of a break then my partner brining in the pay check

I know it's a choice. My whole argument is predicted on the fact that my descion to have 4 children and look after them instead of doing paid work was a positive choice. I choose to spend my time with my children. I choose to spend my time helping, caring and supporting them by being here for them. It's fine if you choose something else, there are loads of ways to be a family and none is the 'right' way. I would never presume to judge. I just feel strongly that sahm are often maligned ina way that I find despicable (and deeply unfemiinist to boot). I wish people would just respect the value in unpaid work with your own children.

Like what ? Because I bet most working mums will do all those anyway so

Well no because it’s not a job, in that it’s not paid.

You volunteer, if anything, to provide your family with a qualitative experience.

If it is a paid job, it’s paid by your husband, and I’m not sure how comfortably that would sit with you personally - I know my view on that.

How much do you bet?! Refer to my previous threads. I know for a fact that the majority of my friends that work full time do not do the same things as me for/with their kids. They tell me they wish they could. They don't have the time -because they are at work.

I honestly don’t give it a thought
Wouldn’t be for me but if it works for you crack on x

I work from home , I’m whether for my kids , the house and still work around their school time . Meaning in my eyes you ah e 9 to 3 of free time . Or do you truly belive all working mums have cleaners , gardeners , people who take their kids to activities and cookers ?

You are still not making a list because again most working mums will be doing the same

I am not concerned with the fact that I am not paid for my work. You may attach significance to money if you choose to- I do not. I am also not particularly concerned that you seem to think I am being kept by my husband, because you know nothing about our situation and it is irrelevant to the discussion. Whether or not a job is paid does not , in my opinion define whether it is worthwhile. It's ok if you equate value with money, but I don't.

No I just equate anything called a job with getting paid for it, otherwise it’s not a job - it’s literally volunteering or slavery.

I wouldn’t accept payment from my partner for tasks that I see as a shared responsibility.

You mentioned feminism - isn’t domestic labour funded by a man the very definition of misogyny?

Because I couldn't do all these things whilst also doing a full time job. And because noone else would, unless you paid them . There is a finite number of hours in a day, and our commitments require 2 people to do full time hours already. If I took on a full time role, I would need to get cover for my current work at home

OP posts a controversial topic and then runs away never to be seen again, leaving a ton of people arguing back and forth on the same boring topic over and over and over again. Is this done for traffic, I wonder?

No. Misogyny is the hatred of women. I am not a slave I am a sahp. I think feminism should encourage women to be able to have agency -and bot slag each other off! Once again, I am talking about parenting, not domestic labour!

If your kids are at school then obviously you're only looking after them in the day during the holidays. I was referring more to parents of children below school age.

If they are doing what I do and a full.time job, they are doing their.paid role very badly indeed.

As a FT working mum there is just a huge amount less mess when my kids aren’t in the house as much. If your kids are in childcare or school then they are being taught, fed, consoled, played with elsewhere.

Of course I still do all those things. But I’m not doing them for the same duration (or frankly flipping intensity) that a SAHM does.

I have done both and I agree that ages of the kids and temperaments plus what kind of job you’re comparing it with all make a difference to which is ‘hardest’. But I would never, ever say that now I’m working FT, I’m still doing everything a SAHM does because I’m not.

Any kind of break also makes it feel very different. The relentlessness of caring for young children all day, every day, over and over is hard to replicate by doing dinner, bath and bedtime (yes even after a long day at work).

If you’re a SAHP in the thick of it with little kids you have my utmost respect. Keep going - what you’re doing matters and is worthwhile.

Thank you.

I think if you can and want to be a sahm mum by all means do it . Just don’t try to prove you have it harder than other mums who do what you do plus have a job .
the times I managed to stay at home , 3 years on maternity leave ( 3 separate pregnancies not in one go ) I found it much easier even with a newborn it was less stressful .
Would I do it permanently? Maybe for the first 3 years of my child’s life , but I have 2 daughters so would be worried about the message I would be passing on . As someone who works in the legal framework of divorce I would alway be to concerned they would be in a disadvantage if they where to leave future husbands/ partners . Of course this is not issue with every woman , I’m sure some are secured financially but the majority is not so the message I pass on my kids is make sure you can stand in your own 2 feet , if your husband leaves you ,have enough stability that you can keep your life going . The majority of SAHMs will not be able too .

Or maybe you just can’t do the same yourself and refuse to belive that

You cannot possibly be a SAHP to children who are at school.

Your direct “work” with the children is limited to when they’re physically there.

Everything else - cleaning, tidying, gardening, animal care - is domestic labour, and it’s a shared responsibility IMO.

You don’t believe that it’s shared, or should be equal, fair enough. You do you. But work, is paid. It carries a remuneration for the job you are doing.

For most SAHPs it’s paid by a working partner keeping the roof over everyone’s heads. Instead of the contesting that, I think it would genuinely be easier if SAHPs just said “yes, my husband/wife covers my costs because I cover the household responsibilities.”

If your child has a nanny or goes to a nursery while you are working then you are not doing both jobs. The phrase used by nurseries (and schools) is ‘in loco parentis’ meaning in place of parents.
What parents of young children want to do is up to them but they are not doing both jobs. They can’t be in two places at the same time.

But the children are physically here for ma y hours during standard working hours. Secondly, my work 'directly' relating to them is not just limited to when they are physically there, why would you think l that ? I do not have a problem saying my husband's work pays for our financial outgoings. We both understand that my work brings benefits to he unit in other economies.

Of course if you are at home and your kids are at school, then that's a pretty easy life. There is no comparison.

Someone who is full time and has to fit everything else around it is of course harder work. Nobody can deny that.

What pisses me off is this ridiculous inverted snobbery from people who say 'well I work full time and manage all the other stuff fine', like they expect some kind of fucking medal.

I bet if they have a choice, they wouldn't!

I don't think it helps your case to be nasty. I am absolutely confident I do a good job within my capabilities with our children. If I did a full time paid job, i would do a far lesser job by my measures for them and our family. If what you want to deliver to your children is best served by working full time, or you have no choice but to do that, that is no concern of mine. Please don't presume to know what I offer my children, or how capable I am. I respectfully ask that women don't attack each other for choosing to devote time to raising children without being paid.

So if you are WFH while your children are there then they are presumably old enough to be left.

Have I got this mixed up?!

They’re confusing the invisible, never ending, never enough, all consuming tasks that appear in a well run home which has low status, no pay and no bonuses with “paid work” outside the home which is one dimensional with regular breaks, status, bonuses, respect, freedom to think, 9-5 not 24/7 365. Don’t do it for long or you will be broken xxxxx