Stay at home parent

[123mother]

Why do people think a stay at home parent doesn't work? That they have so much time on their hands? Am I wrong in thinking I have less of a break then my partner brining in the pay check

Most people don't think that? I think the exception is when the kids are all school age and the parent complains they have no time. But if the kids are not at school it's full on.

Most people don’t think that, it’s a myth.

Depends on what the demands on you are at home and what the demands on your partner are at work,as well as what he does in terms of parenting when he's at home.

I don’t think people mean “work” in the sense of labour. They mean that the SAHP isn’t generating income. Which, rightly or wrongly, they are not.

A person who remains at home with children is contributing to the household but its not “work” in the way its officially defined.

I’m sure lots of people will challenge this definition as they always do but officially work is the exchange of labour for money.

Which people?

Also, it depends on your kids ages;

toddlers and babies - YANBU - SAHP is a full time job.

School & college aged children - YABU, yes you have a lot more spare time than someone working full time.

It depends on the individual circumstances.

If you've got one school aged child and your partner is an A&E doctor then I think they're probably working harder.

If you've got toddler triplets and they have a cushy low stress office job then you're definitely working harder.

Well a stay at home parent doesn’t work… in paid employment.

SAH is completely different to being in employment. I hate posts where people try to compare. They are completely different!

It’s probably less valued now a days as women are showing they can work and still run the household!

I agree it’s not work, but it’s still a contribution to household. I think undervalued as many women do work outside of the home and most of domestic chores. It is under valued yes, I guess as fewer women are just a SAHM now.

Obviously being a SAHP involves doing unpaid work in the home. Being a SAHP is not a job, though - you don't have a boss and there is nobody else setting the expectations for how you do things.

Whether or not it is as hard as, or harder than, paid work really depends on a range of factors. How many kids you have, what ages, whether they have disabilities or SEN, their personalities, how much help you have etc vs what kind of job the other partner has, what responsibilities and demands etc. It will also depend on the personalities and skill sets of the individuals involved.

It isn't really a competition either way.

Each situation will be unique and raising kids is draining, no doubt about it. Personally having been a more or less SAHP for years who worked very very part time, and now kids all grown up, I work full time. I look back and think what a cushty number I had. A lot of days it is literally a walk in the park. I find working FT exhausting and I cannot imagine for a second trying to bring kids up at the same time. I think mothers who work full time are absolute machines, honestly don’t know how they do it! And I say this as a fierce feminist.
Those women should be running the world.

I don’t know if you’re in the wrong without knowing your circumstances but it’s obviously something that’s vexed you.
Has someone said this as a criticism to you?

I never understand this argument because people with full time jobs - ie no 'stay at home' person still have to do all the house stuff. They just do it on top of full time work...

And the argument that they have to cover all the school holidays is totally bananas because working parents do too... just AND WORK.

If you're a SAHP with children in school full time then as a working parent no, you're not working harder than me because all that stuff you do in the day I have to do in my evenings and weekends on top of my paid job. If you have a baby/toddler yep, that's hard work and has its challenges, and if you can afford not to be in work then good for you.

However, I dislike the tone of the OP as it's pitting people against each other again and it's boring.

It obviously depends on the number and age of children (and the presence or absence or any special needs).

I imagine being a SAHM to two school-aged children with no special needs must be a doddle.

Being a SAHM to three under 5s or to one or more children with special needs must be much harder.

I was a SAHM for two years after my youngest daughter was born. I found looking after a 2 year old and a newborn (and later a 3 year old and a 1 year old) much easier than being at work.

Looking back (children are now in their twenties) it was one of the happiest, most relaxed times of my life.

It was certainly a whole lot easier than going back to work when they were 4 and 2 (even though that was only 3 days a week).

I had little help from my husband, who worked long hours and had a long commute, and no help from wider family who all lived too far away, but my children were easy.

A person cannot be in 2 places at once. A working parent is not with the kids, so no, they're not doing double the work of a SAHP.

Nowadays

I think there are more parents now where both work full time, and I think it's detrimental to kids unless they have family to take on the role. Something's going to give.

SAHP of preschoolers have a tough job imo. So much so, I practically skipped down the road to the calm and relative freedom of the office after my maternity leave. I throughly enjoyed the two hours each day reading on the train, the lunch breaks, the chats with adults, the appreciation and job satisfaction I'd missed so badly. Not to mention being treated as entitled to need to relax after my 'tough' day earning money.
However SAHP of school age children (SEN excluded) have a very easy time if it. Much easier than the working parent if they are only able to afford to keep them by working silly hours in a high stress job.

Saving income from turning to outgoings though, surely?

I work and so DD is in childcare, which we pay for. If I didn't work, that would be money we weren't paying out.

Some people earn less than the monthly childcare bill, so by not "working" they're increasing the "income" be reducing the outgoings.

Aside from that, I think my job is far easier than spending all day looking after a small child. I love DD with all my heart but I am not cut out to be a SAHP.

SAHP with school aged children simply have more leisure time than the equivalent parent working out of the home.

I still "run my household" - cook, clean, sort bills, do house & garden maintenance, take pets to the vet.
Sort all the shopping, organise everything re the DC (clothes, party gifts, take them to hobbies, organise & host play dates, help with homework, hear them read). The school lunches are abysmal and ive yet to find a wraparound provider who offers a decent evening meal so Im still preparing 3 meals a day too.
DH and I just do that AND work out of home (him full time, me 32 hours over 5 days).

My SAHP friends all have far more time for socialising, fitness/exercise, shopping for unnecessary stuff eg browsing fashion, beauty treatments & self care.

All SAHP are not created equally. Neither are all jobs.

A SAHP with school age children is a totally different beast to a SAHP with 3 pre-schools with additional needs.

A hospital doctor is equally a totally different beast to a retail assistant in a not very busy shop.

One thing about being a SAHP is that, to a large degree, you can choose what you do. Don't fancy getting dressed or leaving the house? No one will stop you. Whereas most jobs won't allow you to decide you can't be bothered doing any work today.

Oh I was on a non working day with DD on Friday and had I NOT left the house we'd have both gone insane!

Equally, on a working day if I don't fancy getting dressed or leaving the house no one (other than the dog who would be furious) cares, as long as I appear on camera to be engaged and at least vaguely appropriately dressed (throw hoody over PJ's, sorted).

So yeah, they aren't all created equal. But it goes both ways too. Working can be much easier.

It depends on the situation both with work and the child/children, I have a six month old and a two year old and I find it less demanding than my job before my children were born! I wasn’t a brain surgeon or anything but I just found my job way more demanding due to deadlines, sales targets, management pressures etc, looking after my children is a lot less intense

Well, without downplaying that sometimes parenting can be difficult, it isn’t a job. It’s a life choice you’ve (and I) have made. I am a parent. I also have a full time job. I don’t have two jobs.

Who looks after your children while you're working?