Stay at home parent

[123mother]

Why do people think a stay at home parent doesn't work? That they have so much time on their hands? Am I wrong in thinking I have less of a break then my partner brining in the pay check

To be honest some have it easy , some have it harder . I work full time and do everything a stay at home does , school runs , activities , cooking cleaning ( husband helps ) .so I can’t see how inky having one part of what I do to do must be harder

That is incorrect and rude. As I tried to explain, I would have to pay someone to do much of what I do if I was out at work...so it is obviously a job of sorts.

But you physically couldn't do everything I do and also do a full time job. I'm not saying one is better thB the other or harder, just that I do things that you can't if you are also at work.

Why does it matter what people think or say. If you are happy with your situation and it works for you and yours thats all that matters.

We are two working parents with young teens so no childcare. We cook, clean, garden, bring them to activities as well as work. They also do chores. No paid help now the childcare years are over so its really not one way or the other

Where are you getting your ‘official definition’?

of course you are , or you can be working hard.

You might picture all SAH mums as ladies of leisure, with nannies and cleaners and all the free time in the world to go from hairdresser to the gym to coffee with friends. Some are, I don't know any 😂
Most SAH parents I know work just as hard as you and me. It's just different

They can actually concentrate on their children instead of running around catching up with chores and admin like many of us do.

and let's be honest, without SAH parents to volunteer to help at school , to take my kids on inset days and random holidays, to volunteer to coach team, and chauffeur my kids around, I wouldn't be able to do my full-time job either 😂

Many people seem to be confusing "work" and "employment". Being a SAHP is not employment but it is work, it's unpaid, domestic work.

Everyone I know works and manages the house totally fine with no paid help once the children are at school.

Of course if there are additional needs that's a totally different narrative

I do find it slightly miserable when people equate looking after their children with "relentless work". I mean yes it can be full on and some days (like if they're ill or whatever) can be dismal, but taking your kid to the park, having another parent and kid round for a cup of tea and a play, going to the library rhyme time or whatever, it's hardly being down a mine all day is it? When my kids were small I worked part time and yes I was glad to have a bit of both worlds but my day at home was still easier/more enjoyable. More freedom, less pressure. They used to even nap during the day. And would wake in the night regardless of whether I was working or not.

Of course they are because us who work full time with children have to fit in all the house chores & running children around Acton top of often very stressful full time jobs - SAHM’s with kids of school age is a doddle

I hate this debate so much!

I think it just makes women resentful of one another.

Some women work full time and have to balance domestic work, their children, and their employer. Some women are SAHMs with school-age children, and they have 7 free hours a day to go to Pilates and get their nails done. Some women have high-earning partners and can afford cleaners, nannies, and house managers. Some women have children with complex special needs, and spend their lives struggling to get them into adequate education and dealing with the daily stress of raising them. Some women are single mums who have to finance the whole household on their single income…

We all have different lives and I just don’t think any good comes from comparing or saying one is better than another.

Well your "official" definition has "especially as part of a job".

Although I have just spent the last hour working at my craft project.

So can I call this "work"?

Imagine having to work and still having to do all of the child stuff. Being a stay at home parent is much much much easier for the majority of people than having to juggle everything. I would have loved to have been able to stay home with the kids when they were small. My life would have been so much more relaxing. As it was I was with the kids all day and then went out to work straight after cooking everyone tea until 11pm.

you may feel your partner has more free time than you but does he really? Because a big portion of the day he’ll be at work. You can please yourself all day long even if you have to please yourself with the kids in tow. You certainly have a lot more free time than working mums.

just enjoy your privilege and don’t pretend you have it harder.

This seems deliberately inflammatory. I do not look down on SAHMs, but if someone asks what you "work" as, this is generally interpreted as what your paid job is. It isn't a reflection on how difficult, or tiring, or stressful your day is.

People put a lot of effort into running a marathon, developing a hobby, DIY etc - but I would find it odd if they responded with one of those activities if asked what they worked as.

and yet, we have countless threads about women who hate their maternity leave, countless threads about women who dread the school holidays and even weekends because they think the kids are too much full time.

It's simply not true you fit all around full time work - you can't be in 2 places at once, there are many things you are not doing unless you work nights and are up all day which is unlikely.

While you are doing your full time hours, someone else is looking after your children and doing what SAHM are doing.

People who are happy with their choices are confident about them , it's only jealous people who resent others who try to put them down.

But I am not talking about managing the house. I am talking about all the other things I do, which you can't do at the same time as paid employment. Why do you think I mean housework?

But what is it that you think you’re doing, while your children are at school, that working parents aren’t doing?

What exactly do SAHMs do that WOHMs don't? I have yet to see a single thing on these types of threads that I didn't also do when I was working.

(Just for clarity - I absolutely see the benefits of having a parent at home, but you're kidding yourself if you think it's harder than working full-time and housework and childrearing)

Ive 3 children under ten, one only recently a toddler and I work full time. I am constantly on my knees. My work is FULL ON. I barely get a break and the expectations are very demanding. Im doing that all day and pick my kids up from school and that doesnt stop and then I do it all over again. I remember being on maternity leave with the middle child and keeping the eldest with me to save money on childcare. The day was intense with a breastfeeding newborn and quite aggressive 2 year old but it all felt slower paced and much, much easier in spite of the relentlessness of cleaning food off the walls and constant, simultaneous meltdowns.

for a start you are not picking up your kids from school at 3 and parenting them from 3 if you are at work, you start parenting when you finish work. You can't be in 2 places at once.

And unless you have cleaners and paid help (I do), you can't be concentrating on your kids in the evening and weekends if you are catching up on the chores the SAH parents are doing during school hours.

And I am not even talking about volunteering and being helping around your kids at school during school hours.

I know SOME working mums like to pretend they are super-women and do everything better than SAHmums, but it's physically not possible 😂

define "harder"

some people find it easier to be with adults and have their own time at work.

Some people are disorganised and feel they are constantly trying to play catch-up and they are miserable.

There's no right or wrong choice, but people can't have made the right one if they resent others with a different life.

It depends how old the children are.

Haha exactly! And as if we don’t do enough, we’ve got to constantly field criticism from other women!

I don’t blame you at all, that sounds well needed!